Sunday, May 03, 2009

U.S.Eh?

So, as everybody on the internets has already told you, the US is going to fragment in a titanic cataclysm in six months and twenty-seven days. The various little regions are going to fall into orbit around those mighty foreign powers to which they feel the closest affinity, and that means that Indiana is apparently going to become part of Canada, eh? (Obviously the Russian prof who authored this theory teaches American Studies at Draw Tippy Turtle U.)

Anyhow, I for one do not welcome our new Canadian overlords, and I would like to offer my comrades in the no-doubt-soon-to-blossom Hoosier resistance a handy field guide to identifying our invaders:

1) The first major difference between the Canadian and you and I is that the Canadian has two stomachs and a gizzard. If you suspect someone of Canadianness, you should get your pocket knife out and attempt to ascertain how many stomachs they have. Your basic Canadian, afraid of discovery, will flinch back from the knife at their tummy. A patriotic American wouldn't be a'skeered to let you count their innards, since they have nothing to hide.

2) If there is still some doubt, ask the suspected invader "What shape is bacon?" If they reply "Round, eh?" then you've got yourself a Canadian.

We'll cover what to do when you've uncovered the invader in our next briefing. Until then, Viva La Resistance!

26 comments:

og said...

Canadian guys also have prehensile peckers. If they have both hands full, and you toss 'em a pencil, and they CATCH IT, you know they's canadian.

Captcha: spatictu: the proper medical term for a prehensile pecker.

John Peddie (Toronto) said...

Awwww...we're not that bad, folks.

Besides, the beer and bacon are fine.

About that prehensile stuff...haven't checked lately. Will advise.

John Peddie (Toronto) said...

Actually, most of our US friends don't realize that, in the 1930s, the Canadian Army actually had a plan to invade North Dakota.

The pheasant hunters had more armament than the Army, where officers were buying ammo for the boys and out of their own pockets.

On Depression era officers' pay, I don't think we had a highly trained force:-)

Pheasants would have been safe, at least from us. Now, from those hunters...maybe not so much.

Caleb said...

Wait, does that mean we're rescinding the "shoot on sight" order for suspected members of the Soviet Canuckistani Secret Police?

Shermlock Shomes said...

Being from Michigan, I'm concerned about the Hoosier inability to discern a Yooper from a Canuck. Please carefully study this for assistance when interrogating your prisoners.

Nathan Brindle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Ahem. "in the 1930s, the Canadian Army actually had a plan to invade North Dakota"

Actually I believe the plan was to invade more than just North Dakota...

But let's bygones be bygones, not only did the US Military of the day have a plan to return the favor, I would bet my pension that the current US Military still has "plan red" "in the can".


I'm guessing it involves a couple of units of the National Guard of some near border states.



As a Canadian legally in the US all I want to know is how I can join the resistance too, and help keep my countrymen out, eh?

On to scarier thoughts: given the current administration you might WELCOME the conservative forces from up north in a couple a years.

Nathan Brindle said...

Sadly, our Canadian friends have been planning this for quite some time.

Canadian World Domination(Note: This website is half an hour later in Newfoundland.)

roy in nipomo said...

Well, Napolitano did warn us about those Canadian terrorists...

Gee and it wasn't that many years ago that there was talk about their western provinces joining the U.S. - I guess turn-about is fair play.

wv: craco - what the Russian was smokingo

Jack (Saskatchewan) said...

Just remember to finish every sentence with "Eh?" and you'll fit in just fine, eh? Oh, and wear another scarf when it's -40°, eh?

FatWhiteMan said...

This is a dire emergency. If the regions fragmented to their county of affinity, then part of New York and New England would soon be German. They are very close to French Quebec. If they adopt the French, then they would sson hand the entire North over to the first German that walks in there.

Andrew Weitzman said...

*whooosh-HAH*

*whooosh-HAH*

Come, Tam. Surrender to us. You know in your heart it is true. Embrace the dark truths of universal health care, gun control, maple syrup, and poutine.

Come...to the Canadian Side!

ExurbanKevin said...

Dammit, which one of you guys talked? Now we have to re-schedule the invasion for later next year.

Did Eisenhower have to deal with this lack of secrecy before D-Day? I don't think so!

sigh

25 years of fifth-column activities, wiped out in a flash.

Mattexian said...

I knew it! I KNEW IT! I've been saying for years, "Damn Canadians, comin' down here, takin' all our jobs, and the good paying ones too, like actor, musician, TV news anchor, not the low paying stuff that nobody wants, like the Mexicans!"

Ed Foster said...

Actually, if we constrain the California Republic to a 30 mile wide strip along the coast, running from L.A. to Seattle, and Atlantic America to a 50 mile wide strip running from Boston to D.C., Give New Orleans to Cuba, and turn everything else over to Texas, I'll buy a Stetson (just an Open Road, I'm discrete) and vote yes.

"The Russians couldn’t defeat Afghanistan, I don’t really know how well they would do against a bunch of people who shoot moose off their porch with .338 Win mags for fun. Alaskans are tough. Anybody who lives somewhere where the local animals will eat you and the weather can kill you in minutes tend to have their priorities in order."

God, that is beautiful. It has my support for the best single paragraph on blogs. Bravo!

Scooter said...

There is something fundamentally wrong with bacon that is round. And when you get into it, it really doesn't seem like bacon at all, more like a round ham slice.

I'm not saying that it's not useful from time to time, I simply believe that it's wrong to call it 'bacon' when it clearly lacks the yumminess of real bacon, eh?

Joseph said...

Andrew...

You are forgetting the two strongest reasons to "come to the dark side"...Canadian Bacon and beer. Not necessarily in that order.

Seriously, the Canadians have been allies for over a century, and I don't think are usually given their due by our folks in Washington. (Though, yes, both sides have had plans to invade the other since, I think, the French and Indian wars. Hell, you have to give the general staffs something to do!)

Keith-Canada must have its own version of the New York Times.

Timmeehh said...

OK, let's get the bacon thing straight, eh? What Americans call "Canadian bacon", we call "back bacon". We make no claim to this type of bacon which has been foisted on us by American rabble rousers.

Also, "Canadian whiskey" is properly called "Rye whiskey".

And don't forget that Toronto won back to back "World Series" in baseball. Proving once again how useful it is to have a prehensile pecker.

atlharp said...

"This is a dire emergency. If the regions fragmented to their county of affinity, then part of New York and New England would soon be German. They are very close to French Quebec. If they adopt the French, then they would sson hand the entire North over to the first German that walks in there."



Well New York and New England have been acting like they Canadians anyway for the last 25 years, so I don't think it will be that big of a culture shock. Maybe they can nominate Bloomberg as "Chief Mounty for life!"

Brian Dale said...

Tam, you wrote, "Anyhow, I for one do not welcome our new Canadian overlords..."

Shhh; it's part of our secret plan to (1) subvert their country, (2) let free enterprise, guns and private medical care be the order of the day from Brownsville to Baffin Bay, and (3) let both of our own coasts wander off where they may. Don't tell anybody.

~whoops...ummm, forget that I posted that, 'kay? Mum's the word.

Scooter, you wrote, "There is something fundamentally wrong with bacon that is round."

Well, it's just a pizza topping, and pizzas are round, so no harm done. {wink}

Alcibiades said...

Said stomachs enable Canadians to consume maple leaves as a dietary staple.

Anonymous said...

Many years ago, when blogging was done with sticks on clay tablets, I read that in 1917, when such a thing was possible, there was an offer on the table to sell Canada to the U.S. because Great Britain was nearly bankrupt from the costs of fighting WWI. Never went through, dang it.

Old Squid.

mts1 said...

From watching South Park the Movie, it appears that we can tell who is Canadian by the fact that they say aboot instead of about, and the tops of their heads flop around from the top jaw up as they speak.

Brian Dale said...

South Park: it's the new OED. ;)

Anonymous said...

"I read that in 1917, when such a thing was possible, there was an offer on the table to sell Canada to the U.S. because Great Britain was nearly bankrupt from the costs of fighting WWI. Never went through, dang it. "

Canada was not a colony in 1917. So whom ever wrote that was full of..something.

Newfoundland still was, didnlt become part of Canada til 1947.

Brad K. said...

@ Anonymous 9:08,

"On to scarier thoughts: given the current administration you might WELCOME the conservative forces from up north in a couple a years."

Actually, I was thinking that having Canada march would place us under the Queeen of England again. Wouldn't that reward the Keynes-ian spendthrifts in Washington, D.C.?

@ Tam,

I am confused. I thought the KGB analyst's call was for the fragmentation in June, 2010, about a year from now.

It will be interesting to see how the graft in Homeland Security matches up with the RCMP.