Friday, August 26, 2011

Mrs. Edna Blascowicz of Dubuque, Iowa...

...the residents of Greenwood, Indiana thank you for your generous contribution.

I mean, they're probably sorry that you came up a couple pennies short at the Safeway today and had to put the box of tea bags back, but those pennies went to a good cause.

When last we had left this story, the good citizens of Greenwood were bemoaning the lack of guardrails around some of the retention ponds that dot the greenswards of this sleepy patch of suburbia.

Well, at least some of them were. Others thought that one inattentive or possibly inebriated driver per annum into the drink was a small price to pay for an uncluttered view of herons and duckies doing the nature thing on these man-made water hazards. (And if the driver that went into the drink had already been into the drink, then so much the better, actually.)

But the recently-bereaved aren't known for their sober and dispassionate calculations or their appreciation of bucolic vistas; if your loved one falls into the Grand Canyon, you want that hazard filled in and damn the cost, so let's put those guardrails up, Mr. Mayor!

When Greenwood city officials pointed out that putting guardrails around just the most obviously dangerous roadside ponds could cost upwards of a million dollars that the city just didn't have, they huffed at the idea of a price tag being attached to human lives:
"I don't know how many lives it takes before money doesn't become an issue," said [bereaved stepfather] Mears.
Except, of course, that a price tag is always attached to human lives and guardrails aren't crapped out by benevolent guardrail-crapping unicorns but bought and paid for by taxpayers, and the taxpayers of Greenwood just didn't feel like coughing up the dough.

Enter Mrs. Edna Blascowicz of Dubuque. And Mr. Frank Johnston of Walla Walla. And Ms. Stefani Lee of Poughkeepsie. And you. The city fathers of Greenwood have shaken each and every one of you down for a contribution to their guardrail fund.
Greenwood applied for a federal grant in May, through the Highway Safety Improvement Program, after several deadly accidents in retention ponds.

They were just approved for the money and hope to start constructing guard rails next year.
So, thanks to whatever part of Article I of the U.S. Constitution says that Congress may tax the citizens of the several States directly and then hand the loot over to the municipal government of Greenwood, Indiana, Darwin has been thwarted yet again and the people that wanted a good view of the ducks are going to be out of luck and the world will get just that much Nerf-ier.

Here we all are, sitting around the cannibal pot.
.

17 comments:

Brian J. said...

From each according to the determinations of his lobbyists convincing legislators to carve him out special exemptions to each according to the ability of his grant writers and the disposition of the grant underbursars on any given day.

Art said...

Well then I'm sure ya don't approve of DHS grants to get these ... http://www.gsnmagazine.com/node/22894

Gubbmint (your) money subsidizing aerial surveillance mini choppers.

John Farrier said...

guardrail-crapping unicorns

Someone call a cartoonist! We need a visual.

Bubblehead Les. said...

So you are going to stop using Federale Paid Bike Paths and Dance with Darwin on the Streets of Indy?

Joel said...

We'll see how much actual guardrail money remains after the inevitable graft fog rises.

Tam said...

Bubblehead Les,

Which part of "Here we all are, sitting around the cannibal pot" has you confused?

I'll note that I did not vote for the bike paths, nor did I clamor for their construction. Since they are there, I might as well use them.

FWIW, I don't close my eyes while driving past "public" art, either.

Stan said...

I wonder what will happen the first time some inebriated driver plows through the guard rail and ends up in the drink anyways.

Grumpyunk said...

Maybe they can just string up some of those, "Motorcyclist Cheese Slicer" wires like they put in the median of Interstate 65. Shouldn't be that expensive.

Joanna said...

My dad was in a debilitating car accident as a teen, and the resulting lawsuit is why all the teeny bridges on back roads in Hamilton County have those stripy warning signs.

I don't know if federal dollars were involved, or not. Probably not.

Joanna said...

Addendum: For the record, he was a passenger in the car, and the driver was sober.

Charles D. said...

I would like to apply for a federal grant to have those guardrails removed. How can you put a price tag on allowing the human race to improve through natural selection?

Buzz said...

A normal adaptation of natural selection for the less intelligent or capable species is to reproduce at a faster rate, to make up for the (very likely) untimely end of the majority of their spawn. Given that we are more than happy to protect the dumb ones from themselves, the survival rate is far greater than designed and the ecosystem gets flooded with mouth breathers constituting an Idiocracy.
(Ow, My Balls)

Mattexian said...

At least you can take some comfort that the usual idiots are on the seawall watching the hurricane come in.

DES said...

"the world will get just that much Nerf-ier"

That says it all.

Brian in Florida said...

I like the cut of your jib

S. L. Haynes said...

Ha, the gene pool is still safe to defecate into!

Anonymous said...

Greenwood Village, CO, had a car drive up the cut down curb [so us old folks don't trip]. The driver thought it was the entrance to a nearby restaurant. She then drove onto an ice-covered pond. The passenger drowned. The solution was a park bench bolted to the sidewalk in front of the pond. OldeForce