There's a local guy, a car dealer, who does his commercials talking through a great big fixed toothy smile, an effect like he's trying to deliver his lines while biting down on those bitewing X-ray films at the dentist. Further, his country accent flattens the vowels and blurs the syllables so that "pleasant buying experience" sounds more like "pleasant bang experience", which is probably a more accurate representation of what goes on at car dealerships anyway.
They're doing a story on lightweight football helmets from Simpson-Ganassi that are supposed to prevent concussions. They're interviewing a local high school football coach about helmets and concussions:
Coach: "The two things that scare me the most every time I come out to practice are lightning and..."
Me: "Clowns. You get these migrating clowns sometimes that'll climb the fence around the field and start bumping up against the players."
Now the local news is over and we're on to the national morning show. Matt Lauer is interviewing Bill O'Reilly. That much egotistical douchebaggery is hard to appreciate on the small screen; it deserves Imax.
The two of them are falling all over themselves trying to come up for excuses for the ongoing NSA scandal. Matt seems to think it'll be okay if it can be proven to have as much as a .037% chance of stopping a terrorist attack. O'Reilly thinks it's okay if it can be proven to have been Bush's idea. I'm fantasizing them both in a wood chipper.
...locked in a passionate embrace while they're being slowly fed into a wood chipper, feet first.
ReplyDeleteI'll be picturing about that all day. Thanks for the visuals. We can dream, can't we?
If you put them in a blender the resulting douchepuree might very well have a half-life.
ReplyDeleteYeah, well my visuals will be clown flash mobs...man I hate those f'ers. Where's a Fudd with a bang-flag gun when you need one?
ReplyDeleteI prefer the "fed to pigs, one inch at a time" method but wood chipper will work. Tam, you are made of stronger stuff than me to be able to watch those two. Thanks for taking one for the team.
ReplyDeleteBreaking stuff here in Alabama.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that the NHTSA contracted some private firm to do a study and that firm enlisted OFF DUTY county deputies to set up road blocks and ask people to "voluntarily" give saliva and blood samples in exchange for $60.
I used quotes because anyone who refused was directed to the shoulder and given the pressure sales pitch to participate.
You'd never get the bull stank smell out of the chipper. Never.
ReplyDeleteGerry
Oh and even though they were off duty the deputies were in full uniform and used their taxpayer funded vehicles.
ReplyDeletehttp://blog.al.com/east-alabama/2013/06/feds_state_officials_comment_o.html
Scott J,
ReplyDeletehttp://www.gadsdentimes.com/article/20130610/APN/1306100842
Not exactly breaking, it's just a lot more noticeable in the Facebook Era.
Ok, breaking to me then :)
ReplyDeleteI first heard of it yesterday and didn't have time to dig into it.
It's the only topic the local morning radio talker is on this morning.
He's had the state AG on. The president of the county commission of one county where it happened.
Gotta love some social media attention! :)
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of social media I sent you a Facebook friend request awhile back.
ReplyDeleteOf course you're not compelled to accept :)
As I've said before i Facebook because I'm not interesting or witty enough to blog.
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteYou'd never get the bull stank smell out of the chipper. Never.
You could always run a dozen skunks through it to cut down on the smell.
On the chipping: Mad Mike has personally assured me that when he is elected Dictator and the time comes to go after the Flarduh people, I will not be chipped.
ReplyDeleteIn light of my experience with a tree service company, he has hinted that I might have a position as a throttleman on one of his chippers.
This subject brings to mind the question of whether the Founders would have specified a wood chipper in place of hanging, if some sort of version had been available in their time.
ReplyDeleteWhich brings to mind the question of which type of hanging were they referring to, the lift, or drop and neck break type. Can't recall ever running into this sort of info on the deed.
Will, I may only be remembering something from a movie but I thought I recall the writings of some founders using the phrase "hung by the neck till dead" indicating they preferred knot in the back rather than to the side.
ReplyDeleteInteresting helmets, and I think a new twist on a fairly old concept.
ReplyDeleteLast time I played football was in 10th grade, in 1976. The helmet they gave me had a tiny little diamond-shaped pad in the crown, the usual crescent-shaped pads under the earholes, and webbing of the kind you'd find in the old Army helmet liners. A suspension helmet, they called it, and with a rubberized steel face mask it was the best durn helmet I ever had (I was an undersized lineman in those days). I expect it would have to fit perfectly to do a proper job, but lucky for me it did. I've had three mild concussions in my time, but none were from organized football.
Once again, "Thank You Tam!" for watching the TeeWee so the rest of us don't have to.
ReplyDeleteI just put new bearings in my wood chipper, in case you need it.
ReplyDeleteSo Snowden was fired by Booz Allen for violating their corporate code of ethics. Think about that: a defense contractor who has a code of ethics that says it's not right to expose ongoing conspiracies against civil rights. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteOTOH, I do have to feel some pity for the poor judge who had to read all those affidavits of probable cause and sign all those millions of warrants.
What's that? No warrants?
And they're mad at US?
M
Why do you hate your wood chipper, Tam? Oh, can I borrow it this weekend? I promise to wash it out when I'm done.
ReplyDelete