Breaking News: Billions of foreigners lose access to porn, MySpace.

A cut in an undersea cable has caused billions of terabytes worth of data to gush into the warm waters of the Mediterranean. Seabirds coated in sticky YouTube videos are washing ashore on Egyptian beaches, and environmental scientists say the gooey slick of zeros and ones could spread as far west as Malta.

Meanwhile, downstream of the leak, the vast series of tubes that is the internet has lost pressure. Billions of people who speak strange foreign languages can no longer download porn or find soulmates on Match.com. Sub-Saharan Africa and mainland China have been particularly hard hit, as the 419 Scam and Fake eBay Auction industries were entirely dependent on the internet for their normal function. "We are going to try going to snail mail," said Joseph M'bekebeke, Nigerian minister of commerce, "But we don't know if American senior citizens will be as gullible in regards to badly handwritten letters as they are to badly typed emails."

According to experts interviewed on Thursday afternoon, the data hemorrhage will continue to pollute the pristine waters of the eastern Mediterranean for at least another week. No word yet if Google or Yahoo are expected to help fund the cleanup.