Thursday, November 10, 2011

How not to answer the phone...

When I first got the portable magic elf box, I was playing with it in the waiting room of the hospital while Bobbi was attending to her mother. I discovered that the phone had pre-programmed "excuse messages" that could be sent to callers if you couldn't answer the phone, stuff like "I will contact you as soon as I'm out of this meeting" and things like that, so I reprogrammed them to say the kind of things I found funny at 0300 on a Sunday, stuff more along the lines of "I can't talk right now; there's a badger gnawing on my leg," and "I am unable to answer the phone at the moment. I think a dingo ate my baby." I haven't used any of them since. Until...

Last night, Bobbi and I had gone out for a bite to eat and then stopped at a coffee house afterward for a cuppa joe before heading home. The music was a little loud, I was in line for a refill, chatting with the Baristess or whatever you call her, and my phone buzzed. It was Shootin' Buddy. I noticed the little "Excuse Message" tab and thought "Huh. I've never used one of those new-fangled excuse messages before," and selected one blindly, at random, figuring I'd step out on the patio and call him back as soon as I got my refill.

Protip: Do not send a lawyer an excuse message text that reads:
I will contact you as soon as I shoot this guy.
No sooner had the screen lit up with my accidental response than I was bolting for the patio door. Sure enough, the phone was buzzing urgently before my hand hit the knob.

Note to self: To avoid panicking people who care about me, use the one about being chewed on by a badger.

25 comments:

  1. "Don't interrupt, I am negotiating with a prostitute." Sounds funny until your mom calls

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  2. Shouldn't it have read ".....as soon as I finish shooting this guy...."?

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  3. So THAT'S what those little messages are for! Now, we need a list of gun-people excuse messages...

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  4. jetfxr69,

    Actually, "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M AT THE RANGE!" would be a useful one.

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  5. Tam,
    I can see the officer's face who respond's to a call for service from you..."What seem's to be the problem Ma'am"..."Why there's no problem now officer, but you might ask the former gentlemen down the street who wanted my car"...

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  6. The one that gets people to leave me alone is "Not dressed yet, I'll get back to you" As you can imagine, nobody who has ever received this message has ever called back.

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  7. Little girl who cried wolf?

    (Yeah, somehow I'm imagining Tam in a modest-yet-functional little red riding hood.)

    "Grandma, what a big M&P I have!"

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  8. That was the belly laugh I needed to start this day off with! :D

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  9. Mine are along the lines of

    "I'm on the can and desperately searching for toilet paper. Can't touch the phone to answer"

    "Can't answer the phone right now. I'm hiding from the clowns and don't want to give away my position. They have pies"

    "I'd answer the phone, but it's much easier to just send you this message"

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  10. Checking my phone, my other choices include "Sorry, I am in a meeting right now with Don Corleone" and "I am unable to answer the phone at the moment. I think a dingo ate my baby."

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  11. I'm jealous, my phone only gives me one slot.

    Yu-Ain Gonnano

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  12. Take Heart: It looks like your message got through when the Multi-Million Dollars TEOTWAWKI Test Message failed to Alert the entire State of Oregon yesterday.

    I blame George Bush, of course.

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  13. The correct term is "Barista."

    I'll have to check if my 'smart'phone can do that...

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  14. Can you ask the barista for a towel?

    I sprayed tea all over my screen reading that.

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  15. Tam, be pleased with yourself that you are taken seriously when you make comments like that.
    I used to kid about being or wanting to be a professional assassin until I started to get job offers.

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  16. can't talk now, zombiesbsdo 23skji..ms(0

    BRAINS

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  17. Never put a suggestive msg. on your home voice mail machine because the first caller WILL be you mother and her comments will be saved by your Rotten Baby Sister to be played back at Thanksgiving for years to come.

    Technology: allowing us to make an ass of ourselves faster and to a wider audience.

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  18. ??

    SNAKE! SNAKE! I SEE A SNAKE!!

    ... 2005 was cool. :p

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  19. Actually, I never answer the phone, at all, in any way, and certainly not with a machine and a message.

    If anybody wishes to communicate with me, he can send me an email and I might get back to him in a week or so, or if it is really urgent, he can knock on the front door and tape up a note there after the second time he's knocked and I haven't come to the door. Fucking humans.

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  20. And yet here you are, commenting away...

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  21. I don't know why I found it so funny that someone would take that message seriously...
    and then I thought about the guy that got me interested in shooting, and I understand.

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  22. In a moment of whimsy in the midst of a Wisconsin blizzard while at work, I change my work phone to answer "I can't answer the phone right now as I am either busy shoveling snow or talking to my bookie". Of course, the next time the phone rang (while I was there, that is) it was my boss informing me that Someone Very Important had called in my absence. People have ne sense of humor.

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  23. 'Homer said...

    Shouldn't it have read ".....as soon as I finish shooting this guy...."?'

    Don't go re-writing Tam's pop cultural references. This was a takeoff from the Jimi Hendrix line, "Scuze me while I kiss the sky", often and notoriously misunderstood as "...this guy."

    Bonus points if you can identify both cultural references for "Dingos ate my baby" without doing a web search.

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  24. Since she's been dead for 15 years, I'd say I'm in real trouble if my mother calls!

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  25. "You've reached my pants, I'm not in them right now."

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