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| Hunnert bucks at Lowe's. Hurry before they're all gone! |
Books. Bikes. Boomsticks.
“I only regret that I have but one face to palm for my country.”
Saturday, October 27, 2012
You might be are a redneck if...
...on the weekend after Thanksgiving, you and your sweetie reverently move Dale and the mallard wine bottle holder off the mantlepiece to make room for your remote-control light-up porcelain miniature Graceland-in-Winter that plays Elvis Christmas songs...
That might well be the single most thunderously gauche thing I've seen in my entire life; it's so tacky that it misses circling clean back around to cool by bare inches. I think it's the silhouette of the Young Elvis on the remote control for the music box that puts it over the top.
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!?!?!?!?! If you decide to buy that, a trap do should open at the check out line and just dump you straight into the Soylent Green machine.
ReplyDeleteMove the duck?!?
ReplyDeleteSheesh - city girls...
There was a 2 foot tall plastic guitar filled with popcorn that had a real tacky drawing of Elvis on the front at Big Lots.
ReplyDeleteWill you and Bobbi share or do I need to send two?
Gerry
Wow. That's so tacky, it's probably also popular with hipsters...
ReplyDeleteShee-it girl! Thanks for the tip!
ReplyDeleteWunder if'n I could get it cheaper at Wal-Mart?
I'ma gonna call Cletus right nah! Olboy owes me a hunnert bux fer that tattoo payment I made for him.
I'll send ya sum pitchers.
I am deeply saddened by the fact that I know someone who'd love it.
ReplyDeleteMany moons ago, when I was stationed at Ft. Bragg, my girlfriend of the time and I went to have dinner at a squaddie's trailer in Hope Mills. When you're a junior enlisted Soldier, trailers carry no stigma and is considered a step up from the barracks.
ReplyDeleteOr so we thought.
Katie and I pull up and everything is normal until we get inside. My squaddie had an enormous altar to Elvis Presley. It was festooned, among other things, with framed 45s (the flat kind), a godawful Velvet Elvis, and a glazed ceramic statuette of Elvis praying, placed between two burning candles. So help me, there was a kneeler in front of it.
Not something you see everyday.
Hey, that's an impressive Elvis display you got there was all I could think to say.
"HEY!! YOU BLASPHEMIN' THE KING?! DON'T YOU GO BLASPHEMIN THE KING IN THIS HOUSE!"
Blink.
Blink.
Whoa, look at the time! Been great (get in the car, Katie)!"
That's what you get for not listening to your OTHER squaddies when they tell you it's not a good idea to go have dinner at someone's Hope Mills trailer.
gvi
Dale ain't movin' none for no drug and fried banana addled pelvis thrustin' rhinestone wearin' weirdo.
ReplyDeleteI know people who still spit when they pass by a house formerly owned by Dr. Nick in Nashville.
ReplyDeleteThat's the kind of thing you give to an enemies' spouse, in the hopes they'll play it all the day long, driving your enemy mad... quite, quite mad.
ReplyDeleteSomething everyone should buy after they perform their Elvisy to Graceland.
ReplyDeleteun-frickin-baleebabul!
ReplyDeleteI don't know, the mallard might be a hoot up at the hunting camp in Vermont. Not that we drink wine at camp anyway, but I could probably maybe get a bottle of Jameson's in there.
ReplyDeleteI remember meeting him at a kwoon I I used to study at (the instructor was an old friend of his); he smelled like a distillery and could barely stand up straight without his bodyguards holding him up.
ReplyDeleteGraceland? Elvis? Whaddaya talkin' about?
ReplyDeleteGraceland was a Paul Simon album.
Um, Tam? This story seems unfinished.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping that you didn't go back and buy one. Surely not?
Um... NO! :-)
ReplyDeletelol. Tam said Gauche.
ReplyDeleteI don't have it at the moment, but I would put $10 in your tipjar if you posted a youtube video of yourself standing in front of that calling it "Gauche". $15 if you can work "Boomslang" in there somewhere. But you have to say it in southrin.
Yo! Jus' swipe your EBT card and git dat bro!?
ReplyDeleteLAst time at Wal-Mart in the music CD bargain-bin there was one of Elvis singin' Christmas songs and one of Sinatra - so I got 'em.
" NotClauswitz said...
ReplyDeleteLast time at Wal-Mart in the music CD bargain-bin there was one of Elvis singin' Christmas songs and one of Sinatra - so I got 'em."
'It's gonna be a blueoooOOOooo Christmas, without youuuu." etc.
Just perfect for a person who really isn't a hipster, but just acts like one for irony.
ReplyDeleteWell, Tam got linked by Fark.com.
ReplyDeleteI guess this finally makes Fark legitimate.
BGM
"... so tacky that it misses circling clean back around to cool by bare inches." About the best definition of "kitsch" that I've seen.
ReplyDeleteI do miss the original "24HourChurchofElvis":
http://www.24hourchurchofelvis.com/
You think it's a joke?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_Hour_Church_of_Elvis