So, I posit that there is a subatomic particle called the "annoyon".
There's a general background of these annoyons sleeting through the universe, and occasionally they strike people. Depending on how energetic they are, an annoyon will decay in anywhere from a matter of seconds to a few minutes.
The problems in life arise when a person is bombarded by a stream of annoyons such that an annoyance charge builds up faster than the particles can decay.
I further posit that certain things emit annoyons. Heated platinum, for example, which is found in automobile catalytic converters. This would explain why heavy traffic is like taking a bath in annoyance while attending an auto race, where the cars have no catalytic converters, is merely an excuse to relax and drink beer.
I would assume that electron guns, such as those found in CRT monitors, beam a steady stream of annoyons mingled with the electrons, which would explain why watching network TV or reading the internet is an exercise in face-palming, hair-pulling aggravation, but this doesn't explain why doing these activities is so irksome even when done on an electron-gun-free LCD display.
Obviously I'm still working on this. I need millions in grant leech cash.
If needed, I'll provide a letter in support of your theory, I think it's pretty sound.
ReplyDeleteI have a theory that these annoyons are sensitive to explosive dispersion, such as being rapidly removed from the general vicinity by force of an explosive blast. Elmer Keith and the various .50 shooters clubs have long since accepted this as law.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think that annoyons are very promiscuous, like electrons, and can bounce from one person to another. The more people afflicted with annoyons in one place, the greater the body of annoyance per that group. Which says all you need to know about door buster sales, and Christmas shopping. Could increasing iterations of annoyons eventually cause a singularity?
ReplyDeleteI can help with the LCD thing. LCDs do not have the inherent annoyon generators that come for free with the electron guns in traditional monitors. Annoyon generators are still in beta testing with the NSA. As such the annoyon particles are only generated when turned on by special codes in the website or broadcast being displayed.
ReplyDeleteThat's why the mainstream media is so annoying but reading gunny blogs is comforting.
As for why the beta testing period is lasting so long, the NSA has been a little distracted ever since their director issued the command to "copy the entire Internets to local storage for examination". The copy is still running, and all the sysadmins (except Snowden) are busy setting up disk arrays and trying to keep ahead of the data.
When it finishes, they will delete all of us from the Internets forever, so keep typing!
Annoyons accelerate and become even more excited when they encounter another particle known as morons.
ReplyDeleteThe higher the number of morons the particles encounter, the more active and energetic the annoyon particles become, eventually reaching critical mass.
You need to tie in global warming...er...climate change and then the grant bucks will flow.
ReplyDeleteSo was traffic less annoying in the pre-catalytic converter era? (I.e. after statistical adjustment for differences in overall traffic density, number of lanes, etc from back then vs now.)
ReplyDeleteI like the overall idea though. Having been on four flights the other day I'm pretty sure that whatever the TSA is using fer them nekkid scanners generates annoyons like no one's business.
My problem is that I seem to emit Annoyons. :-(
ReplyDeleteTack a Dr on the end of your name, and you to can fleece, i mean, get a government grant to document the breeding habits of the greater cock roach. Not to be confused with the lesser cock roach that is commonly found in garbage.
ReplyDeleteRun to a couple hundred pages and you will be on easy street.
"My problem is that I seem to emit Annoyons. :-("
ReplyDeleteI doubt you could compare to some of the mega annoyon generators I have to deal with. The seem to emit in the visible light spectrum.
I believe if you use enough Pb you can be protected from the harmful effect of annoyons.
Tam, will your Nobel Prize be in Physics or Medicine
Gerry
Some grant application suggestions:
ReplyDeleteEffect of tin foil hats (shiny side in, of course) on annoyons: deflectors or concentrators?
Wookie suits: static annoyon concentrations after public display/use of same.
Moron/annoyon interactions based on latitude and longitude across the US; effect of population density and political affiliation.
Catalytic converter emission of annoyon particles as a function of speed of the automobile, and as a function of the auto speed beyond that posted as legal.
The possibilities are endless!
Tam,
ReplyDeleteActually, I think it is hormones.
Adrenaline.
According to a teacher's book (Tools for Teaching, Fred Jones, highly recommended for teachers, parents, managers, and co-workers), adrenaline takes several minutes to build to a peak interferes-with-thinking overload. It takes 28 minutes to degrade back to average-thinking-plus-tired.
The teacher is advised, when the phenomenon begins, to take a calming breath -- it will still be the 28 minutes to degrade, but the peak will occur much sooner at a lower level.
As for traffic -- the stress occurs because you get closer to the car ahead. Leave 100-150 feet and you don't have to split your attention between operating your car and second guessing what the operator of the vehicle ahead is going to do, and also wondering whether the driver ahead of you is going to make the wisest choices and take the optimum decision paths. Back off, and the stresses are reduced. Don't drive slower, just further back. I like to leave at *least* room for two cars to pull in ahead of me, in any traffic. You get some wild-a**ed shenanigans, but mostly folk just look and wonder. Plus, it is my theory, you make stop and go traffic *less likely* for the cars behind you, with an adequate amount of space in front of you. Just think of the ethanol and battery-charging hours saved for your community!
Brad K.
ReplyDeleteYou are reading all manner of unwarranted specificity into a general joke I've been mulling over in my head for a day or two, there, Mr. Spock.
I think the annoyns keeled'er.
ReplyDeleteSo that's why Elvis shot that television - annoyons.
ReplyDeletehttp://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=22722
This reminds me of quantum bogodyanmics. http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/Q/quantum-bogodynamics.html I think you would be especially annoyed by bogon emitters, being as you are, a great cluon source.
ReplyDelete"but this doesn't explain why doing these activities is so irksome even when done on an electron-gun-free LCD display"
ReplyDeleteAfter years of study, and in consultation with some of the leading minds in my .. er ... favourite pub, the consensus is:
because of quantum! (or possibly - because!)