Boomsticks: An open letter to gun store clerks.

Dear Gun Store Salesdroid,

It's good to have preferences. Preferences are what makes the world go 'round. If it weren't for preferences, we'd all drive gray Toyota Camrys and eat meatloaf every night. It's cool to have preferences in music, clothes, cars... even guns.

Lord knows I have preferences in firearms. For instance, they allegedly make handguns other than S&W revolvers and $1,000+ custom 1911s, but you'd never know it from looking at my collection. If we were to meet socially, and you were to ask my opinion of the Blastomatic 2000, I'd say something along the lines of "It's a wretched, pulsating ball of f&*k, and it's full of toaster parts. You know who didn't design the Blastomatic? John Moses Browning, that's who. If someone had my mom hanging over a volcano and threatened to cut her loose if I didn't buy one, I'd have to say 'Sorry, mom, but you raised me to have standards.'"

But that is my private preference. If I was standing at the sales counter and you said "Hey, can I see that Blastomatic 2000?", I would say "Sure!" and hand it to you. When you followed up with the inevitable "So, what do you think about these Blastomatics?" I would reply, truthfully, with something like the following: "Well, they may not have triggers like a target pistol, but they're accurate, and very durable and reliable. If they fit your hand, I think it would be a fine pistol for you."

And do you know why I would say that? Because, Fellow Gun Store Salesdroid, when we are standing behind that counter, our employers are not paying us to convert people to the Faith Of The One True Pistol (or to give lessons in Tactics 101, recount bogus VietNam stories, or share our dazzling expertise in terminal ballistics), they are paying us to sell guns. Got that? Salesdroid = Sell Guns. Period. Full Stop.

When I walk up to your counter and say "Good sir, I would like to see that Euroshooter 55," I don't want to hear "Damn, honey, you don't want one of those. We had those in the 'Nam, and they got all of us killed. Why, I was killed five times because my Euroshooter jammed, plus the bullets just bounced off Charlie and actually made him stronger when you hit him. They're crap. You want you one of these here Thunderzappers! That there's a real gun!" Aside from the fact that calling me "honey" causes me to have to fight down the urge to shoot you in the kneecap, if the Euroshooter is such a crappy gun, then what in the hell is it doing in your showcase? Does your employer know about your scintillating sales pitch? I know that if I heard that in my shop, you'd be out checking to see if WalMart had any greeter's slots open within the hour.

So please, when you step behind the counter, leave your BS in the breakroom and just sell the guns, okay? It really shouldn't be that tough of a request. After all, that's what you're getting paid to do.

Thanks,
T.