Concerned that I might be endangering the health of my two self-propelled hairball generators with my chemical warfare antics, the lovely and talented Phlegmmy of Fatale Abstraction fame just out of the blue sent me a care package: A hand-held bug zapper. (And did she know her audience, too: the box was sealed with tape that had frickin' ninjas on it.) The cats are safe from toxic fumes for sure now, for I have seen the light when it comes to insect extermination. Aside from pragmatic indoor wasp killin' however, the gadget has an even more pleasant use...
We've all heard that the ultimate in redneck entertainment is a six pack of Budweiser, a rocking chair, and a bug zapper, and I really can't gainsay that, because I haven't experienced it. I can tell you this, however: A pitcher of mojitos, a plastic lawn chair, and a hand-held bug zapper is darn near about as much fun as you can have without getting nekkid. I know this, for that is how I whiled away my evening on the porch last night.
The mojitos gave the bug-zapping that Hemingway-esque big game hunting feeling, which is to say that I felt the same sense of omnipotence that a drunk author mowing down wildlife with a large-bore rifle must feel. The festive air was complimented by the bluish twinkle of fairy lights as mosquito after mosquito would get cooked against the swishing grid of death in a silent welter of pretty sparks. The lunges, moulinets, and backhands made it decent exercise, or at least partially compensated for the intake of the horrifically caloric mojitos. It was simply hours of big, dirty fun; so much so that I don't even care that it makes me sound like a redneck for saying so, either. You should try it. If anyone can figure out how to make it a team activity, or maybe devise some scorekeeping system, let me know.
Please resist the temptation to take the inevitable step that always seems to occur with drinking and rednecks.
ReplyDeletesounds like good clean fun on a friday night. Had a question though, how do you make a pitcher of mojitos?? I mean you personally. the best recipe i've found comes out tasting like glorified mouthwash.... baus44ATgmailDOTcom, if you're so inclined. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHeath
omg - pdb - SO many levels of wrongness in that video. For one thing, THEIR bug zapper wasn't the glow-in-the-dark kind.
ReplyDeleteMy compliments, Tam. Glad you liked it - I've given so many of those to friends and relatives that I neglected to keep one my ownself. Oh, and I heartily approve of the mojitos. We'll all need to keep stats on battery efficacy with those. I've been wondering how long they'll last.
"...hand-held bug zapper is darn near about as much fun as you can have without getting nekkid."
ReplyDeleteApparently you can have nekkid fun with them, as well.
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JPG, is havin' a ball with his. Flies, skeeters, and errant puppies are not safe when he's wielding the Zapper.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, it can't be nearly as fun as hunting yellow jackets with plastic projectiles propelled by pistol primers. You had to hand chamber each round, but the bullets were mostly salvageable, and with only the cost of a primer, dirt cheap too.
ReplyDeleteThey do dent up some drywall, but they're mostly safe.
I dont know that I could make it a team sport...but it seems like it would make a pretty good drinking game!
ReplyDeletefor every bug you get, take a sip of that mojito. When you get a two-fer you gotta take a shot of rum.
Youll be blasted in no time! (on second though...this is knoxville. it would be a shame to go into an alcohol induced coma_
You're right. We should lobby for synchronized bug zapping to be recognized as an olympic sport. Let me know when and where, and I'll be there for the trials. I'm picturing a Busby Berkeley style extravaganza of chiffon and sizzling bug wings. Nice.
ReplyDeleteThe obvious thought that springs to mind is to keep score of how many bugs you get. For advanced play, more dangerous bugs get more points.
ReplyDeleteAnd a Private's privates gets the biggest score of all. So to speak.
Ross
I think I'll have to bring one home from my next trip. ;-)
ReplyDeleteDon't believe em.... better living through chemistry is not a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteJust keep the fur-balls out of the house and then fumigate. Use the smoke-fog cans not the aerosol foggers. 3 hours later you have a bug-free and cat-safe abode.
If you think thats fun, try going after bats with a tennis racquet.
ReplyDeleteNow that is big game hunting.
Mike
You sat on the porch in Tennessee, after dark, and were dressed? Strange idea; sounds oppressively warm.
ReplyDeleteRemember, Tam, there's naked and nekkid. If you're naked, according to the late Lewis Grizzard, you don't have any clothes on; if you're nekkid, you don't have any clothes on & you're up to something.