Monday, January 14, 2013

Rant #351,792

I am going to take apart all the phones in the house and find the one that has the sensor in it that detects that I'm either on the loo or on the complete opposite end of the house, on the wrong floor, with my hands full of laundry and with closed doors between me and the nearest phone, and then causes the line to ring.

I'm going to find that sensor, remove it, and use the patent information printed thereon to discover whoever invented it. And when I find that fiend, I am going to make them eat it, one bite at a time, without salt.

40 comments:

Leatherwing said...

I'm sure it was invented by a former waiter or waitress.

Jennifer said...

Let me know when you find out. I think I've got one of those too.

Greg in Allston said...

Careful now, careful. It sounds like you're going around the bend a bit. You don't want to end up like Mr. Yeager do you?

Besides, violence is rarely the answer to our problems, it's just a shame that it feels so darned good when it's directed properly.

Scott J said...

This is why answering machines exist.

og said...

it's the size of a grain of rice, and you could eat a bushel of them without coming to harm. No, you need to make him eat the phones

ProudHillbilly said...

I think my house phone isn't working. I've thought that for a while now. Note that I haven't done anything about it.

wfgodbold said...

Without salt?

Do you have reason to believe it was invented by a New Yorker?

Tam said...

Greg in Allston,

Only Yeager's shining example prevented me from saying what I wanted to say, which was that I was going to beat the phone module designer's kneecaps in with a tire tool before feeding him into a woodchipper feet-first.

BobG said...

I have one of those sensors in my doorbell, also.

og said...

Allegedly.

Alien said...

Dear Ms. Tam:

When you have that information, please contact me. I will, with great enjoyment and unbridled pleasure, assist in the educational process, and even pay for the travel expenses necessary to do so. I will caution you, however, that I may pursue somewhat different, and possibly less pleasant and socially acceptable alternatives than you have suggested RE: the education of the inventor.

In the interim, may I suggest implementing the procedure I have chosen: none of the landline phones - all wireless - I possess ring. The digital answering machine to which they are connected serves at my pleasure, not that of my callers.

My cell phone, which number I do not release to anyone Not Certified For Emergency Purposes, does ring; I can testify that it rings very, very rarely, and that I am capable of evaluating, and, if necessary, ignoring its clamor.

One is entitled to make, among others, the decision as to whether one runs one's own life, or one's own life runs them.

I have made my choice.

ChrisJ said...

I made the decision long ago that my phone exists for MY convenience and no one else's. Consequently, I ignore it if answering it would cause me... inconvenience.

Yrro said...

I'm really confused here... when my phone rings while I'm in the bathroom, I take it out of my pocket, hang up, and let it go to voicemail...

Ohhh... people still *pay* for land lines? ;-)

Woodman said...

I hardly answer any phone. Haven't had a friend call up to chat in years, the neighbors just walk over more often than not.

Hunh, except for immediate family I don't think anyone calls me but telemarketers on any phone.

Armed Texan said...

I wonder if this is a female thing. My wife feels the same way as you, Tam. For me though, unless the phone is within my reach, I make very little effort to answer it when it rings. And there are many times it goes unanswered even when it is within my reach.

angrymike said...

You are absolutely right, my problem is I'll take my phone to the loo, on the internet, and someone will call. The best part is ignore ..............;)

Anonymous said...

I pay for a landline. If I need to dial 9-1-1 at Oh-Dark-30, I don't want to get into a discussion of "what town are you in, what's yer street address" with the Statie's dispatcher. Sure, it costs to have that convenience, just as the CT-equipped Model 10 on the nightstand cost something.

Took me a long time to go from "zOMG, the phone's ringing" to "ah, that's what Caller ID and the answering machine are for". Probably because those conveniences didn't exist back in the day when having two telephone sets was considered to be an extravagance.

perlhaqr said...

Heh, yeah, I'm with Yrro here. I don't think I've had a land line in close to ten years.

It's almost gotten weird to me to think of calling a "place" rather than just a "person".

Woodman said...

"Probably because those conveniences didn't exist back in the day when having two telephone sets was considered to be an extravagance."

I went three years without a phone at all in the military, then didn't have one until I got married a couple years later, and after my divorce I got one but no answering machine. Wasn't until I had kids that I really worried about phones at all. And they text.

When I was single people would just come over, I was always home and there was always food and beer, and if not I'd make them go away until they brought some.

When I was a kid I was last on the list for phone priority, and except for a couple years in High School when I engaged in two hour sessions of "what's up?" tennis with my girlfriend it was always easier to just go to my friend's house then to call.

Anonymous said...

It’s not in your phone. It is controlled by some dweeb at a desk in the NRO who tasks satellites too snoop on people. When the thermal imaging shows you are as a far away from the phone as possible, he sends an encrypted message to a NSA location that dials your number.

He can also control the amount of hot water in your shower, so don’t mess with him.

Gerry

Greg in Allston said...

Tam, oh, oh, you went and had to do it. Hoo boy, you're in trouble now. But my lips are sealed and your secret is safe with me, as I'm sure it will be with all of the other billions of eyes out there. Rest assured that your many fans will come visit you in the gulag, and no doubt many of them will be there beside you to help you while away the hours.

Kristophr said...

The Phone Company gets periodic position feeds from the people who run the Orbital Mind Control Lasers.

Tam said...

Yrro, perlhaqr,

"Heh, yeah, I'm with Yrro here. I don't think I've had a land line in close to ten years."

"Ohhh... people still *pay* for land lines? ;-)"

A strippo landline isn't much; it comes in on the same wire as the internets, and given the unpredictability of the juice around here during storm season, it's a good backup.

Old NFO said...

LOL, yep answering machine... (hell I screen all calls that I don't recognize the number from anyway)...

Yrro said...

Yeah, landlines don't cost much... but to me, it pretty much means I'm paying someone to give me access to political robo calls and telemarketers :) And I've got a generator for when we lose power anyway... around here, I lose data more often than I lose power :( Although it would make it easier to troubleshoot the dsl line if it had a dial tone.

My biggest frustration is the degree to which the dsl company has started jacking up the price if you don't want a land line that you'll never use attached to it.

Carteach said...

I learned long ago that almost NEVER is an incoming call for my benefit. Inevitably it's somebody wanting something from me.... and as such I simply don't feel the least bit rushed to answer the phone.

Some days, I turn the ringer off and ignore the silly thing..

Anonymous said...

Look for the chip marked PITA. It is a marketing tool so a certain segment of the population will break the product and buy a new one. Sometimes you have to make a market and selling opportunities to clear a profit with big box store discounts.

My great uncle came up with designed obsolescence too.

Made us rich it did.











Kidding! Jesse

Mark Alger said...

Here. This one's for free: let the robot get it.

M

Robert said...

When I run ads for renting the apartments I own, the surest way to get someone to call asking about them is to either walk into the crapper, or be cooking dinner.

Jerry said...

Gee, and I had planned to return the device from my 12 gauge, well padded with rock salt.

Anonymous said...

My DSL comes with a landline option for a few bucks extra, and we keep an old plug-in phone around for hurricane season; in a big blow first thing to go around here is cell service, then power. And when those are out the landline still has its buzz. Occasionally oldschool is still better. JC in FL

Bruce Edwards said...

Tam, it’s more of a mindset thing. If you don't mind, it don't matter. I feel no compulsion to answer my phone at home. Now, in part, it's because I answer 911 at work where it is mandatory. So I answer the damned thing despite 90 percent of todays calls being wrong numbers, idiots wanting directory assistance or pocket dialed cell phones. And the idiots who give their kids disconnected cell phones to play with should be boiled in their childrens effluvia. Disconnected cell phones can still call 911 and the idiot children end up calling 911.
No social contract compels me to answer my home phone, that the advantage of caller ID and voice mail, but if I’m feeling mellow, I may answer in my phony german, call them a dumkopf and hang up.l I also feel no compulsion to answer my front door unless I am expecting a delivery. And if I answer the door, I may have a 12g in hand.

Will said...

The last time I had a land line, I also had two cells. I apparently went so long without using it, the phone company turned it off and closed the account. Seems they wanted the line for someone on the block that was willing to spend money by using it.

Years ago, I ran a secondary cable to the house from the street box, so we had a total of six active lines. I think we are down to one active line now.
The neighborhood distribution box is right next to the house, and there is almost always a phone tech working in it. I've seen three different trucks there, at the same time, on occasion.

Anonymous said...

I keep a landline as well, about 28.00 per month, just in case the cells are jammed up or something. I double down on retro technology by using an old Bell dialing for dollars desk phone (so old the dial has WIllow6-9528 or something in the center) to attach to it.

Since it's a listed phone, I took the bell hammer out so I can't hear when the telemarketers call.

Although with my luck in a storm, the line to the pole in the backyard would be hit by one of the three trees overhanging it...

Matt
St Paul
@1077idaho

Drang said...

We got television screen-displayed caller ID when we got satellite TV. When I'm home, I usually have the '40s music station (or NCIS or Top Gear marathons) going, so I don't have to get up to answer a call from CALLER ID BLOCKED.

Ed said...

Here is the script:
"You have dialed xxx-xxx-xxxx.
I am unable to take your call right now and your phone call may be very important to me.
Please clearly give me your phone number, your name, the purpose of the call, and the phone number again.
I will review your information and may try to return the call at my convenience.
Thank you for calling."
Let your answering machine/voice-mail service handle it.

There once was a dairy farmer way out in the country back in the days when phones first came into use and became popular that finally after several years of delay had telephone service connected to his farmhouse. One day a friend who he had not seen for a great while visited him, and while they were enjoying conversation and coffee in the kitchen the telephone started to ring. The visitor, disturbed by the farmer's non-response to the ringing asked "Aren't you going to answer it? It's ringing." The farmers response was "I had that thing installed for my convenience, not theirs."

Be that farmer.

Steve Skubinna said...

A couple years ago a friend griped at me for not answering a call. I said that I had been in the bathroom, and he responded with "But you have cordless phones!"

I told him that I did not intend to be in touch 24/7 and that the bathroom was definitely one place I was not going to be accessible.

And when I built the house I had two landlines run in, one for modem and fax. Remember those? Both lines are still there but only one is active. And cell coverage is spotty out there too, so it will remain active.

mikelaforge said...

Jes' let it ring. If it is important, they'll leave a message.

Jeffro said...

I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

Uhh, no. I do not.

Justthisguy said...

What kind of silly doodah ever answers the Goddamned telephone unless he has made prior arrangements to do so?

I have a land line which I use almost entirely for my (dial-up) Internet service, and only very rarely for actually talking on the telephone.

However, I do recall a time at which I was eager to answer the telephone every time it rang. That was when I was still building and flying Free Flight model airplanes, and wrote my phone number on them. I was interested in finding out how far they flew before they came down and were found.

Answering the phone just for social reasons? Umm, No!