Evel Knievel takes his last jump.

The inspiration for countless harebrained BMX bike stunts in the '70s and '80s has passed away at the age of 69.

Bummer.

Worth millions.

Jump on that deal right away. Whatever the guy's asking, it's a steal.

What an amazing pack of scoundrels.

Re-watching the Second Amendment portion of the GOP debate, I have to admit that I'm just stunned that some of these ciphers are actually being considered worthy candidates for the Oval Office. I wouldn't trust half these clowns with the keys to my car, let alone the keys to my country. Just once, I'd like a chance to moderate one of these debates:

Me: "Okay. On to the Second Amendment. Mr. Giuliani, we already know how you feel about it, so I'm not going to give you a chance to lie. Senator McCain? How do you feel about the Second Amendment?"

McCain: "Well, when I was flying over Vietnam..."

Me: "Can you go thirty seconds without mentioning Vietnam? The question was about the Second Amendment."

McCain: "Well, my government-issue .45 I carried when I was a pilot over Vietnam..."

Me: "Shut up. Mr. Huckabee, how about you? How do you feel about the Second Amendment?"

Huckabee: "Jesus."

Me: "Huh?"

Huckabee: "God. Family values."

Me: "Yes, but about the Second Amendment?"

Huckabee: "The Bible. No gay marriage."

Me: "Never mind. Hey, you! The blow-dried tool down towards the end who looks like he just hopped out of a tanning bed! How about you? What do you think about the Second Amendment?"

Romney: (Strikes pose and smiles like an underwear model for the camera.)

Me: "You're an idiot. On to the next question: Taxes. How bad do you think they suck?"

The list keeps growing.

So now they're talking about adding "Working Third Shift" to the list of things that cause cancer.

Wouldn't it be easier to make a short list of things that don't cause cancer?

Overheard in the front yard...

So I'm over at Marko's, helping him pack up his house, and we're taking a break standing in the front yard:

Me: "Yeah, the last time I used the 'Razr, Rizr, Cruzr, Pozr, Luzr,' gag I only had about thirty readers a day, so I figured it was safe to trot it out again."

Marko: "I wonder what the Luzr would look like? It'd probably be like those little kid's phones; it would only have two buttons. One marked "Mom" and the other... would be..."

Me: "'Comic Book Store'."

Marko: "What about the Pozr?"

Me: "Oh, that's easy. It'd look just like an iPhone, but the 'screen' is actually just a stick-on label."

CNN doesn't like Fred Thompson.

Thompson launches first negative ad amid GOP street fight screams the headline on CNN.com this morning.

Like anybody trusts anything CNN has to say about politics anymore. Hey, did you know that the reporter was carefully selected beforehand and provided with a script?

Dear Diary: I'm tired of washing the Commander's Che t-shirt...

This is rich. This is absolutely beautiful. This is the funniest thing I have ever read.

It seems that the poor little Dutch middle class girl went to college and got her head packed with leftist twaddle and her wardrobe packed with Che shirts. Showing that she had more chutzpah than your average whiny Rage Against The Machine fan, she actually decided to run off to the jungles of Columbia to live communally with the guerrillas and be a terrorist against oppressive capitalism. Unfortunately, once she got there she found out that it actually involved living communally in the jungle and being a terrorist. And their vacation plan sucked. Plus they made her cook. It wasn't romantic, and it sure wasn't like a RATM song.

Or maybe it was, if she'd actually listened.

(H/T to The Philosophical Detective.)

Today In History: Suffragette city.

It was on this day in 1893 that women, even non-uppity ones, were able to vote the parliamentary elections in New Zealand. This was a first in a national election in a modern Western democracy. The United States didn't let us worry our pretty little heads for another twenty-seven years.

Hmmm...

Somebody in Michigan is already Googling the name of the Wedding Dress Tango... I wonder...

Because I love you guys...

...here's a link to the funniest post on the internet.

The giraffe is Moses, the penguin's Jesus...

...and they called the bear Mohammed.

And now their kindly teacher is going to suffer sixty lashes for it.

I am beginning to think that there's nothing wrong with large swathes of this planet that 'round the clock carpet bombing wouldn't fix.

You're still doing it wrong.

They'll let just anybody have a keyboard these days...

On the Origin of Specious.

Dad's Deadpool Blog had a link to a charming article on the evolutionary virtues of patriarchy.

Basically, it claims that when the menfolk are properly in charge and religiously motivated, we wimmen get to breedin' lots of children, especially healthy sons. And everybody knows that big families and a positive population growth rate are important in a post-industrial economy, right? Well, they are if you want to prop up that post-industrial economy with payroll-tax-derived welfare programs. This leads to a delicious irony when you think about it: The under-reproducing Bohemians on the Left are going to need the offspring of the God & Grits Anti-Choice segment of the Right in order to keep the workforce at levels large enough to supply the funding needed for the social programs the Left so loves. It'll be interesting to see how they try to ride that tiger.

He is never going to live that one down.

All the Terrorists in Cell Block D: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Haider al-Bahadli: "No, guys, really! It was a good plan!"

All the Terrorists in Cell Block D: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Haider al-Bahadli: "Hey, it wasn't my idea anyway!"

All the Terrorists in Cell Block D: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Haider al-Bahadli: "Look, stop laughing! I didn't want to wear the wedding dress!"

This guy is going to be eighty years old, running a convenience store in Flint, Michigan, and people will walk by and say "That's old Mr. al-Bahadli. They busted him in Baghdad back in '07 and he was wearing a wedding dress."

Bleg: Phone me.

When my then-roommate and I moved to the cottage in which I now dwell, the decision was made that we'd go with cable internet access and not even bother turning on the phone line. This meant that I finally (this was 2002) had to give in and get a cell phone. Looking for a quick, turn-key solution, I went to Cricket and picked up the cheapest Audiovox cellie they had, and it has served me well for five years.

It's on its second battery now, and the annoyances are starting to stack up. Even with a relatively fresh battery, talk time is barely over an hour. There's no cover for the buttons, and I can either disable them, which requires me to enter a password procedure so complex that I'm afraid I'll launch a strategic nuclear strike every time I try and make a call, or just let them be pushed by any random object in my purse or pocket with occasional hilarious results:
Marko: "Hello?"
Me: "Heh. My butt called you."
Cricket requires you to pre-pay for long distance minutes, which used to be no big deal, as 30 minutes of long-distance talk time would last me for months, but I'm placing more calls long-distance now (and with Marko & family moving to NH, that's only going to get worse,) and last week their automated system decided it didn't like either my Visa or my Master Card.

So, I stopped by an actual Cricket store the other day to see if I could iron out the long distance glitch and maybe look into upgrading my phone to one that would correct the defects that were bothering me: Battery life and inadvertent button activation. I explained to the salesdroid that their computer was telling me that there was a problem with my card(s) and to please contact my financial institution, but the human I spoke with at my financial institution said my card was fine and that Cricket was smoking crack, so what could we do about it?

Him: "So you want to...?"
Me: "Uh, buy some long distance minutes? Maybe $10 or $20 worth so I don't have to go through this again for a while?"
Him: "Certainly..." (He sees me start to pull out my Visa.) "But we only accept cash here."
Me: *Sigh.* "Is there an ATM around?"
Him: "Just a couple storefronts down, but they will charge you a dollar."
Me: "You know, never mind, I'll fix that later," I didn't want to jog down and back, as I was on a deadline, "But I have one other issue..."

His tone was condescending and supercilious, and only got worse with my next question.

Me: "I'd like to replace this old Audiovox."
Him: "What features do you want on a phone? We have..."
Me: "Cheap. All I want is covered buttons and more talk time. Your cheapest phone should be fine."
Him: "Well, even our cheapest phone is going to be $109."
Me: "That sign says $69.99 and the phone looks like what I want..."
Him: "That's for new customers."

What I Wanted To Say At This Point: "Look, C3P0; hop off the high horse. Money isn't the issue here. If I wanted a damn Razr, Rizr, Cruzr, Pozr, or Luzr, I'd get one, okay? The reason I don't have an iPhone, xPhone, or qPhone is because I don't have a goddam phone fetish. If I want to take pictures, I'll use my camera. If I want to listen to MP3s, I'll use my iPod. If I want to remember phone numbers and appointments, I'll use the same fricking pencil and paper I've been using for thirty years. I realize I'm standing in front of you with a six year old phone and a gas station nametag, but the reason I've been using your service is because I don't want to screw around with minutes and evenings and weekends and contracts and mailing payment checks and crap like that. I want to punch my credit card number into my phone once a month for the same amount of money every month and not have to worry my pretty little head about how long I talk on the phone. If your cheesy phone service comes with a big side helping of attitude these days, then you can shove it. I'm off to find someplace that will treat me like a paying customer, even if they do make me sign a contract. Oh, and sorry about your hairline."

What I actually said was: "Gotta run. Bye."


So, phone geeks, help me out. I'm looking for a company that will give me a bare-bones phone with a bare-bones service plan, preferably unlimited local calls for ~$50ish per month.

Fashion advice that will make you cry...

...from laughing so damn hard.

(Ow, my tummy hurts from laughing.)

I, too, don't really see anything to argue against.

Oh, and please note that if you ever see me wearing Crocs, I have been killed and replaced by a pod person and the alien invasion is on, so it's probably safe to shoot me.

(Via Victory Soap 2.0.)

The Monday (s)Myth is up.

I love my 1911s, but nothing gets me weak in the knees quite like a 3" fixed sight HB/RB (that's "Heavy Barrel/Round Butt" for the philistines in the audience) K-frame...

...except maybe the subject of next week's post. Tune in; you'll like it. :)

Yes, but...

Did he actually take the camera out, or did he just damage it? What caliber was he using? Scope brand and magnification?

God, this story leaves out all the important details...

(H/T to Unc.)

That Tribal Leadering sounds like a good gig, if you can get it...

Each of the tribe's almost 3,400 members receives about $120,000 annually in profits from Seminole enterprises, mostly casinos. However, since 2000, Tribal Council members have spent more than $280 million from discretionary funds they control on travel, lavish homes, luxury vehicles, boxing rings, basketball courts and even cosmetic surgery, the newspaper said.

Wrap your head around that one for a moment (I mean, after you get off the phone with the lawyer about suing your parents for not being Seminoles.) These casinos are bringing in enough money to give $120k to every man, woman, and stray dog in the Seminole tribe, reinvest in the business, buy other businesses, and still have the dough left over to embezzle almost $300 million worth of airline tickets and nose jobs. Unglaublich! That, my friends, is a whole lotta Bingo.

Will one of you that enjoys losing money in games of chance explain this? I want in on this racket somehow; there seems to be a lot of money in teaching folks probability and statistics the hard way.

(Yesterday a young man bought something like twenty scratch-off tickets. "With this many, I have to win!" he said. I gently explained to him that if he bought every single scratch-off ticket printed, he would still lose money. "No way!" he replied, "There'd have to be the jackpot ticket in there somewhere!" *Sigh*.)

That old time religion...

So, in response to accusations that they are letting the arcane tribal proscriptions of a bunch of neolithic goatherds influence modern jurisprudence, the Saudis reply with "But... but... she violated Shariah law!" (Speaking of arcane tribal proscriptions, before we get too self-righteous let us all give thanks for a moment that our jurisprudence is not administered by Brylcreemed good ol' prophets with dog-eared copies of Leviticus.)