Friday, January 09, 2009

Air Force jokes...

Rustmeister cracked me up this morning.

A good friend of mine, an Air Force senior NCO, was telling me about some security police he'd seen at the base, how they were all tacticaled out and looking like walking Lightfighter catalogs, except nobody had a Camelbak.

I couldn't resist replying "Well, what do you expect? It's not like their fighting positions are going to be more than 100 yards from a drinking fountain. They feel forward-deployed if Domino's takes more than thirty minutes..."

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Old joke, told to me by an Air Force CMSgt...In the Marine Corps, they teach new recruits their battle cry: OOO-RAH!

In the Air Force, they too teach their battle cry: FORE!

Rustmeister said...

Thanks for the Tamalanche. =)

unix-jedi said...

Why the Air Force doesn't have carriers:

http://djbarney.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/usaf_1st_aircraft_carrier.jpg

Anonymous said...

When the Navy orders "Secure that building," it means turn out the lights and lock the doors.

When the Army orders "Secure that building," it means post an MP and no one gets in without a special pass.

When the Marines order "Secure that building," they set up a machine gun crossfire, lay down a mortar barrage and call for air strikes and artillery support.

When the Air Force orders "Secure that building,", they take out a two year lease with an option to buy.

Old Squid.

Mark said...

unix-jedi, that's *BRILLIANT*

David said...

unix-jedi,

I work on a Navy base and that picture is going up on my door in the morning.

John Peddie (Toronto) said...

"They feel forward-deployed if Domino's takes more than thirty minutes..."

Tam, that's the best zinger I've seen in ages. Made my day.

Thank you.

Gewehr98 said...

Ha.

Ha.

(I'd love to get my USAF time in the friggin' sandbox refunded...)

Word verification: rerod - REcycled Remarks On Deployments

Tam said...

No, no, no, now you're supposed to tell a Marine joke.

;)

Nathan Brindle said...

God, my late cousin Max (LCDR USN, ret.) would have absolutely loved that picture.

Michael in CT said...

A bad day in the Air Force is when the air conditioning is broken and the mess hall serves hot dogs for lunch and dinner......

Cossack in a Kilt said...

Y'all know the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story, right? A fairy tale starts "Once upon a time" while a sea story starts "Now this one is really a no-sh*tter."

Well, this is a sea story.

I was a junior LCpl at a school command hosted by a USAF base. There was some tension between the USAF SPs and the Marine contingent, for reasons I cannot imagine. Relations were particularly bad between the SPs and a hard charging young LCpl named, well, let's just call him "Smith" here and be done with it.

LCpl Smith didn't drink to excess, but he did drink, and since LCpl Smith was 19, sometimes the SPs would have a chat with him.

Well, one day at the chow hall. Wait, I have to set the stage better. The SPs had this special raised dais on which their reserved table was located, with a rifle rack right next to it.

Well, one day at the chow hall, a little detachment of SPs came in to get chow, and they put their covers on their table, and they put their rifles in the rack. And then they went off to get their chow.

. . .

Now stop and think about that for a minute. LCpl Smith sure did. LCpl Smith had been cautioned by the Marine detachment NCOIC that in the event of any trouble with the SPs, he (that is, LCpl Smith) was to immediately bring it to the NCOIC's attention.

Now, LCpl Smith knew that this was the type of situation that seemed wrong, somehow, and he felt that it was incumbent upon him to bring it to the attention of the NCOIC.

And so LCpl Smith stood up, took five paces while placing his cover on his head, gathered up five loaded and unsecured M16A2 service rifles, and walked about 150 yards to the Marine Detachment and knocked on Master Guns' hatch.

I was in the detachment office later, and heard one side of the conversation between Master Guns and the SP NCOIC.

"Bill? Hi, I'll bet you're calling about Smith."

(Air Force NCOIC says something, unheard by me.)

"A court martial? Bill, don't you think that's a little excessive?"

(Air Force NCOIC says something, unheard by me.)

"Five counts theft of Government property, five counts willful endangerment, five counts of conduct unbecoming? You don't say."

(Air Force NCOIC says something, unheard by me.)

"Well, Bill, you may have a point. Tell you what, in the interest of interservice harmony, why don't I call up my buddy Sgt Major Jones? He's working under (insert name of three star general here) in San Diego."

(Air Force NCOIC says something, unheard by me.)

"No, Bill, I'm sure the general would be happy to come out for the court martial. We can't have Marines stealing government property, can we?"

(Air Force NCOIC says something, unheard by me.)

"Yeah, Bill. Of course, the general might have something to say about your (expletive deleted) SPs, who (expletive deleted) left (expletive deleted) loaded (expletive deleted) service rifles at a (expletive deleted) open (expletive deleted) chow hall with (expletive deleted) civilians running around."

Long pause.

"Yeah, Bill, that'll be fine."

Later that afternoon, Master Guns called LCpl Smith, his platoon sergeant and me (his squad leader) into his office.

LCpl Smith was in his service alphas, with a fresh haircut, and his roach spikers spit shined to a fare-thee-well. "LCpl Smith, reporting to the Non Commissioned Officer in Charge," says he.

"LCpl Smith, have you ever heard the expression, 'good initiative but bad judgment'?"

"Yes, Master Gunnery Sergeant."

"LCpl Smith, are you aware of what a verbal reprimand is?"

"Yes, Master Gunnery Sergeant."

"LCpl Smith, please consider yourself verbally reprimanded."

"Aye aye, Master Gunner Sergeant."

"Dismissed."

"Dismissed, aye, Master Gunnery Sergeant."

You know, sometimes I wonder how Smith turned out.

Anonymous said...

The typical Naviator landing platform is 1050 nautical feet in length, a distance referred to by the Air Force as "par three."

Duane said...

I don't know about Dominoes and the Air Force but back at Fort Polk in the late 80's during an NTC train-up I was stationed at the brigade TOC and our Army Aviation guys had Little Caesars delivered to the TOC several times.
That was the only pizza joint I have ever seen that would actually deliver to " purple smoke on such and such road."

Gewehr98 said...

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

David said...

I worked a late night shift at a Naval test range that set about a mile off a state highway. On those nights when I decided that my sack lunch was just not going to cut it I would order pizza from a local delivery place. The driver's instructions were head east on highway XX about 6 miles and look for the glow sticks on the shoulder of the road and the fence.


There was a large rock on my side of the fence that would allow me to reach over the tall chain link fence and grab the pizza.

Of course I tipped the guy well.

One night base security stopped me as I was walking back to the range. But an examination of my ID, an explanation of what I was doing, and a slice of pretty good pepperoni pizza each and they left me alone.

It did get reported somewhere though because a couple months later my boss asked me one day "Did you actually have pizza delivered to you out on the highway in the middle of the night during that last test cycle?" I told him that was ridiculous. It was only about 2230, nowhere near the middle of the night." He just rolled his eyes and walked away.

Too bad I didn't have smoke, that would have been a lot more fun.

Billy Beck said...

"When the Air Force orders 'Secure that building,', they take out a two year lease with an option to buy."

Times must've changed. My father was always ready to secure his, starting with thermite grenades.

Jeff said...

No, no, no, now you're supposed to tell a Marine joke.

Ok then:

I was a new employee and was being introduced to all my coworkers. One was was introduced to me as a former Marine, my reply was "Oh, I'll remember to speak using small words then."

There is a reason for the phrase "Army-proof". . .

200 Seamen go out to sea in a submarine. 100 couples come back.

And for what it's worth, I brought my own camelback when I deployed to SWA, cause our unit was to cheap to supply decent gear. Slept in GP Medium tents too, just like the Army Light Infantry guys that deployed with us.

Mike Kelly said...

When I used to be an Air Force SP,(82-85) I didn't wear anything that wasn't issued. Strategic Air Command and USAFE didn't go for that.

Except I did have one of those long, five celled Maglites which hung off my pistol belt from a loop. I liked it because of the strong beam and I saw the utility of using it as a night stick.

Some of the other guys on my flight started carrying them. Some got the smaller ones, some got the big ones.

Eventually, an edict was handed down saying we couldn't carry them on our belts (next to our magazine pouches, with our loaded rifles) because these flash lights were deadly weapons.

Times have changed.

Crustyrusty said...

LOL I remember the maglite fiasco. That was pretty much AF-wide; we were getting briefed on that in Germany.

Mike when did you go to tech school? I was there in July 82 and left Bullis in October. I was silly, though, and stayed for 20. Go figure.

Jeff said...

That was gone by 97, we carried maglights because the squadron wouldn't spend the money on PR-24s or ASPs, despite having several qualified instructors already on flight.

Mike Kelly said...

Crusty,

I started at the SP Academy sometime in January of 82. Got to Ramstein that April.
Made it to K.I. Sawyer in 84 and finished up there. That was where I was when the Maglite bullshit came down.
Had enough and got out.

I bought a Monadnock T-Shirt back in 84. My 5yr old daughter wears it now as a night gown.
I still have that maglite.

Crustyrusty said...

Dang, I almost got stationed with you. I was supposed to go to Ramstein out of Bullis, but most of my flight got diverted to Hahn after they busted about half the squadron for drugs. What fun.