Wednesday, September 15, 2010

"It's coming right for us!"

The latest from the mean streets of Lafayette, Indiana:
Shortly after, the heifer was found running wildly along the banks of the Wabash, said Lt. Jim Taul of the Lafayette Police Department. Four officers armed with shotguns and AR-15 rifles responded.
When's the last time your city PD went all tactical to take down a rogue cow?

Further, I challenge you to read the following line from the news report and keep a straight face:
Taul said it appeared that the heifer was going to charge at officers, who were able to get onto a nearby island.
I've been chased by a ticked-off cow before, and I can only imagine the chaos Bessie could cause on a city street if she had a mind to, but something about that deadpan delivery just hits me right in the funnybone.

I mean, if you're a journalism grad working the desk at a small-town newspaper and find out that the local po-po had to go all SWAT on an "uncooperative heifer", you thank your lucky stars, because this is an opportunity that only comes along once in a lifetime.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aaagh!!!! Giant saber toothed cows! Run away!

Anonymous said...

Shot it in the river? Was it trying to reach the safety of West Lafayette?

Was the cow's court-appointed attorney available for comment?

I wonder if Officer Swick is sporting a kill marker in the shape of a cow while he cruises downtown Lafayette?

Shootin' Buddy

Tam said...

If it crossed into West Lafayette, wouldn't they have just set up one of those "Multi-Jurisdictional Task Force" thingies?

Keads said...

That is total ignorance! During my last visit to Virginia while pumping gas I noticed a calf wandering around the road. Store personnel and I jumped up, people driving by parked, stopped traffic and herded the calf back into the fence. I did enjoy the fact the the calf did test the "grass is greener" concept while moving back to the gate!

We did not call the popo, only thing remotely there would have been county deputies or VA State Police.

Sheesh! We handled it people! Armed response? Give me a break! Bessie is not going to whip out a gat! Maybe a land mine for later, but still.....

Living in Babylon said...

Obviously dire cows. Those extra hit dice make a real difference for poodle sho...uh, .223.

Keads said...

Oh, and I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue! (Sorry, I had to do that based on your opening)

Ken said...

Taul said it appeared that the heifer was going to charge at officers, who were able to get onto a nearby island.

Why am I reminded of Ney crossing the Niemen (headed west)?

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

I am reminded of Alexander crossing the Hydaspes river before engaging Porus in a pincer attack.

Bessie didn't have a chance against such classicists as these.

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

Dammit! Ken took my joke.

Fred said...

I failed the challenge.

TheOtherLarry said...

Reminded me of when I was in Germany back in the mid 70's. A farmer's tractor scared a bull through a fence and onto the road...

...right into the path of an M-60 tank!

Fifteen hundred pounds of ground beef all over the road.

1911Man said...

Wussies. It wasn't even an armored zombie cow.

Anonymous said...

Bad cows, bad cows, what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when they come for ewe?*

*swim to West Lafayette apparently

Shootin' Buddy

Desertrat said...

At 1,200 pounds, I gayrawndamtee you that it was a cow, not a heifer. You're out of the heifer bidness somewhere around 500 or 600 pounds.

Might's well shoot the damned thing. Probably a shortage of cowboys on horseback, with roping skills.

But they should have let the barbecue guy go on and butcher it out. Nothing wrong with the meat...

Carl H said...

"Ask not what your county can do for moo. Ask what moo can do for your county."

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ! It's a Heifer! Get in the car!!

Or, "Grab yer rifle/shotgun!"

Jon B.

D.W. Drang said...

Gotta watch them cows...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI

Mark Alger said...

When was the last time? Around here, just a couple of years ago:

M

Bubblehead Les. said...

Sounds like the Lafayette Po-Po need the expertise of the Indy Po-Po: 1) Grab a bottle of Jack. 2) Get likkered up. 3) Get behind the wheel of a Cruiser and drive to the scene of the crime... No more cow problem.

Rabbit said...

What's the official policy of West Lafayette on wet hooves vs. dry hooves amnesty?

Son of Liberty said...

If you give the cops a hammer (military pattern rifles),.....everything looks like a nail.

jimbob86 said...

"When's the last time your city PD went all tactical to take down a rogue cow?"

Umm ..... 2007. Omaha.

jimbob86 said...

Cattle truck overturned. 42 cattle involved. OPD killed all of them that survived the crash. Guess they didn't want any witnesses.

reflectoscope said...

Out of moo-rbid curiosity, what gun for Betsie?

Jim

Anonymous said...

1st:

The heifer had just been unloaded and was inside Beutler Barbecue, Meats and Catering on South First Street ...
"It was just a wild, worked-up heifer that didn't want to be inside," Beutler said.

"was inside Beutler Barbecue, Meats and Catering"

CAN YOU BLAME IT? I'd run too!

2nd

I obviously wasn't there, but I somehow suspect that wrangling a cow ain't usually that tough once it has had time to calm down. A little rope, a bumper hitch to tie off to, an armful of grass as a peace offering and pretty soon you are leading bessie down the street right easy-like.

jimbob86 said...

The butcher down the street uses a 9mm Glock, I understand.

jimbob86 said...

Curiously, so does the OPD.

Six said...

I was once chased into the back of a pickup truck by a california sea lion. I tried to get it back in the water and it tried to bite a hunk off my ass. The choice was to shoot it in front of a thousand tourists (and shooting a 9mm, there was really little chance I'd do more than irritate it) or run. I chose to discard my dignity hopped up on the back of my nearby police pickup truck while it barked at me and tried to climb a Dodge bumper. It may have just been love, I can't be certain.
I still live in fear that somewhere someone has video of that encounter. It it's anyone here, yes, I will pay blackmail.

nbc said...

On the other side of the looking glass, Plod has a minor problem with a horse

Matt G said...

I'm not sure that their way sucked less than mine.

Knocked down a 7' cinderblock wall? Rammed a vehicle? Sound like Elsie was a mad cow.

staghounds said...

She lived in the next field to me. She was a good cow, she never caused no trouble. She wouldn't threaten no one. I know the newspapers aren't telling the whole story.

Another case of the death penalty for WWB.

(Walking while bovine.)

Anonymous said...

Cows will run over you while horses will generally not. Generally but not always.

My single one time catch was 37 Holstien heifers that got loose from a local dairy farm. Used a horse to catch one and the rest just followed along.

Same horse decided to escape last week and show off to the crowd. Did not call police and wayward horse returned to barn and lawyered up.

Gerry

perlhaqr said...

@reflectoscope: Out of moo-rbid curiosity, what gun for Betsie?

Moosin-Nagant. Duh. ;)

Tam said...

perlhaqr,

Ouch. :o

Ain't you 'shamed?

perlhaqr said...

Nah, lost my sense 'o that years ago. :D

WV: "boillad" -- That sounds bad for the lad.

Joel said...

Well, I was going to laugh at the wussy cops too (I love doing that) until I RTWT. Having come upon distraught heifers myself from time to time, my experience is that they're really looking for someone to talk to it calmly and tell it what to do.

This one, though, escaping from a slaughterhouse and understandably rather more than "distraught" - my first impulse would involve guns, too.

Tam said...

Joel,

I think it's more the dry phrasing that is funny.

Given a freaked-out cow loose on city streets, I'd have gone to guns as soon as I had a clear backstop myself.

Tennessee Budd said...

As a man who regularly has to run the landlord's cows out of my yard (he's got the concept of fencing, but his execution isn't so hot), I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Okay, I'll laugh, 'cause it's a bunch of city Yankees.
Actually, I don't "run" them out, but I'm not up on the verb forms of "to gimp."

Tam said...

I gimp.
You gimp.
He, she, it may gimp, if they were in a bad enough motorcycle wreck, too. ;)

LabRat said...

I was once chased into the back of a pickup truck by a california sea lion.

My impression of seals and sea lions was changed forever once I realized that, evolutionarily speaking, they are seagoing bears.

That and time to contemplate that their dentition looks like this.

Firehand said...

Last time some cows got loose in the stockyards area, OCPD gave us news footage of a couple of cars, a few officers on foot and one motorcycle cutting them off from the escape route and shooing them back where they belonged. They may have their shortcomings, but no AR variants or scatterguns required.

Firehand said...

LabRat, that's like the first time I saw the skull from an adult baboon; looks like a small lion, BIG fangs.

BobG said...

Why did they need a SWAT team for a cow? Around here all it takes is a farm girl with a stick to herd one around.

Anonymous said...

What BobG said. This happens all time around my home town, and no one has ever had to call the Poh-Leese. If you called the poh-leese, they'd probably laugh at you. Why just a few weeks ago, I had two grown hog in my yard, and it never occurred to me put on my ninja suit. I just herded them back into their pen.

Hell, Bob, one farm girl can take care of a whole heard if she plays it right.

The inmate however, or now running this asylum.

Anonymous said...

The inmates, however, are now running this asylum. -- Lyle

Anonymous said...

The takeaway here of course is that the police were just itching to kill something. Or someone. And would jump at the flimsiest of chances. Well, that and they're amazing, stunning cowards of an unbelievable magnitude. -- Lyle

Ian Argent said...

What gun for heifer? Well, if you want to keep it kosher, a Moozi...

Larry said...

Huh, I had visions of an extremely large, extremely angry black woman in shorts and halter top. I could only envision the race riots that would ensue after her execution by police. Oh, a heifer is a cow, you say. Oh. Makes more sense now.

Tam said...

Some of y'all can stay right the hell off my side.

DirtCrashr said...

In Hawaii feral cattle comprise a year-round, no-bag limit, hunting season. Check out the spread on the Vancouver Bull. And you can hunt pigs with knives and spears - but you'd better bring a couple dogs because the tuskers can kill you out in the jungle.
But Dept. Of Fish and Game can do it by helicopter - cool if they have a Dillon on a pintle.

reflectoscope said...

@perhaqr - Well played, sir.

Jim

Justthisguy said...

Sigh! I possess a local copy of Our Tam's um, "yachting photograph" from back when she was just a heifer, so to speak. Judging from the facial expression, she was being uncooperative. IMHO, "being uncooperative" is one of her finest qualities, and I wish I were more that way, m'self.

Underground Carpenter said...

Yo Tam,

That cow probably made a "furtive movement" and "lunged" towards the poe-leece., so the coroner's inquest will exonerate the pigs yet again.

Dave

staghounds said...

Did they reveal what kind of bullet put an end to this beef?

Tennessee Budd said...

I suspected that to be the case, but thanks for clearing it up, Tam. You are, indeed, The Mistress.

Tam said...

staghounds,

A round of 55gr Federal to the melon.


Tennessee Budd,

:D

James family outpost, Iowa. said...

Dammit, missed this post until now!
Sounds like very few of y'all have had a "Bovine situation". So, me, an East coast military brat gets his first job land surveying in Iowa (due to new wifey's residency @ U of Iowa) we are at a farm, way West of Dubuque, and over the walkie-talkie:
Me: "Uh, Terry, there's a bull in this pasture..."
T: "Get out of there now."
Me: "Okay, I'll be... F**K, here he comes!" (Thundering Hooves)
I dropped the $6,000 worth of survey equipment in my hands, ran 40 yards in 3 seconds, and dove over the 5 foot, electrified fence in a single leap. The NFL combine should feature Black Angus Bull "motivators" records will be set.

James family outpost, Iowa. said...

P.S. - Now I love to eat Black Angus steak - like no other.

Joe Huffman said...

Before I read the article I was thinking had I been there I would have taken it down with my bare hands, used my belt for a rope and lead it back to where it belonged.

After reading it, "I don't think the word 'heifer' means what you think it means. Where's my '06?"