Sunday, June 22, 2014

Writing the Other Team's ad copy.

There are lots of good designs for self-defense projectiles on the market these days. The latest versions of the HST, Gold Dot, and Ranger work very well for their intended purpose, which is controlled expansion and deep penetration. Penetration of what, exactly, is tastefully and euphemistically left to the reader. (Hint: Ad-bay Uys-gay.)

When you see a company come along that is not speaking in euphemism, but rather couches their performance claims in phrases more appropriate for a vintage Mack Bolan novel ("The Mafia gunsels danced backwards in a ghastly syncopated lambada of death as the trio of 147-grain 9mm manglers from The Executioner's suppressed Beretta 93R ripped through their flesh...") then you should smell hype and assume that buying the stuff will only assist in spreading the derpes epidemic.

Worse than that, though, is when a breathlessly hyperbolic press release is spammed by Douchebag Ammo Co. to the entire right half of the internet, which is bound to lead to this stuff.

If you send a frothy adjective-laden presser about your zomg!DEADLY new bullet to noted firearms/terminal ballistics expert Glenn Beck*, what do you think the gun banners on Team Progressive are going to do about it?


*This is sarcasm. I don't know that Glenn Beck even knows what end the bullets come out of. He's certainly the last guy whose product endorsement I need on my shootin' goodies. That's like a Rachel Maddow endorsed jet ski, or having Rush Limbaugh proclaim that a certain brand of gas chromatograph is okie dokie!

34 comments:

Scott J said...

You have given me Black Talon deja vu.

Unlike then though the G2 is crap. The BT lives on without the moly coating under a different name.

I don't recall any of Winchester's ad copy being bait for the hand wringers either.

Tam said...

I should have given you Black Rhino deja vu. ;)

Joseph said...

I prefer my jet skis endorsed by Ted Kennedy.

EgregiousCharles said...

Yeah, when a friend showed me one of the Youtube videos I immediately wondered whether it was a false flag operation like Black Rhinos or they merely put a teenage garage death metal band in charge of their marketing. (Well to be honest I thought of Strong Bad from Homestarrunner.com.)

That was a lovely Mack Bolanesqe sentence by the way. "syncopated lambada of death" indeed!

Roberta X said...

Don't they use gas chromatographs in blood analysis -- like checking for drug use?

Scott J said...

Oh good grief. I'd forgotten all about Black Rhino. Now I'm going to have a derp hangover.

Cybrludite said...

I'm going to have to point this one out to a buddy of mine who currently writes for the Mack Bolan line.

Michael said...

I prefer my Oldsmobiles endorsed by Ted Kennedy.

Nobody knows the terminal velocity and fragmentation of an Olds quite like dear ol' Ted.

Lazy Bike Commuter said...

I do like the way the first thing the article does is imply that a teenager accidentally shooting himself in the foot would have surely died if he had been using gimmick ammo.

Let me help:

The individual petals, known as "death cookies", are programmed to enter the vascular system and make their way to the heart. Note that this is particularly effective in children, because their smaller vascular system is more easily mapped because of its smaller size and faster to navigate due to less arterial clogging. It is also more effective on women and minorities, because NYT did a study.

Pootie Tang said...

Are you telling me you wouldn't get a Limbaugh brand gas chromatograph? Seriously, it doesn't even need an inert gas line, the carrier gas is supplied by Rush's own hot air. How cool is that!

Ken said...

"The individual petals, known as "death cookies", are programmed to enter the vascular system and make their way to the heart. Note that this is particularly effective in children, because their smaller vascular system is more easily mapped because of its smaller size and faster to navigate due to less arterial clogging. It is also more effective on women and minorities, because NYT did a study."

A Morgul bullet, then. When it reaches your heart, you become a wraith like the Koch brothers, only weaker and under their control.

Bubblehead Les. said...

Yeah, I saw that yesterday. And whoever does Sales and Marketing for that Ammo Company needs to go back to GM and try and restart his Ad Campaign for the Volt Car Line. He'd have better luck.

However, as far as Team Progressive goes, there's NOTHING the Pro-RKBA side can do to make them happy (unless we all committed Mass Suicide two days before the Mid-Term Elections). If, let's say Federal came out with a new Self-Defense Round that upon impact, opened up and thrust a waving finger while a recording said "No!No! Stop That!", Propaganda Troll-Rags such as the Blue Nation Review would scream about how DANGEROUS it would be "because that Waving Finger could put a Toddler's Eye Out!"



KM said...

If I'm ever attacked by a lemon, those boolits will be the shit!
Attacked by anything else and they will still be shit.

No Mas said...

Don't be knockin' the Black Talon. It was an honest advancement in personal defense ammo. Unfortunately, the name was a significant step backwards in Marketing.

I bought a bunch just before the media and the politicians had their choreographed panty clutch.

Never shot it. Heeeelllllooooo retirement fund.

Kristophr said...

I like Federal's new labels for Hydra-shok: "Low Recoil", with a little clear window so you can look down the hollow of one of the bullets.

All a jury can see is "Low Recoil" in big letters on the box, with Hydra-shok in fine print.

Yrro said...

Wait... uys-GAY? I *knew* these were all just for use in your homophobic killing sprees!

Anonymous said...

First I've heard about this one. Read the article and then made the mistake of reading some of the comments. Nothing but both sides slinging their most ignorant types of derp right past each other like a game of short bus dodgeball.

Corey

D.W. Drang said...

Are they still selling Rangers? Haven't seen them lately.

RandyGC said...

From the linked article:

They’re often “playing” with their guns. Or “cleaning” them when they go off accidentally. These are the law-abiding gun owners, the responsible ones.

Uh, no they're not (responsible that is). I think an ND when cleaning at the very least puts you on probation, and one while "playing" removes you from the responsible category until proven otherwise.

Joe in PNG said...

When a gun or ammo company's sales model is basically "Buy it before they ban it ZOMG OBAMA!11"... chances are, you are not dealing with a quality product.

Ed said...

Oooh. Could you say that the photograph was someone making lemonade out of a lemon the gunnie way?

You want too see gun control derp from today's newspaper in Boston?

http://bostonherald.com/news_opinion/local_coverage/2014/06/police_plan_hot_spot_surge_tout_gun_buyback_success

So, nobody does the math. 667 guns “recovered” by Boston Police Department in 2013, and 672 guns “recovered” this so far year, but since 343 are from a gun buyback, that leaves 329 guns not from the buyback, which is slightly less than half of the 2013 total. Not surprising for the almost half year elapsed so far.

As for the “non-fatal shootings”, are they implying that there is nothing to be done with the intentional gun deaths, but something can be done with those less proficient with weapons?

Anonymous said...

I have heard the word trocar before though I couldn't remember what it is, it is a tool that the mortician uses. I can't avoid the feeling that this company is all about marketing and image, they have apparel for sale on the website so you don't have to go around showing everyone your spare magazine loaded with ultra-badass RIP super-duper-lethal bullets. At the price of $47 for 20 cartridges in 380ACP I don't think they'll be selling many.

I did some rooting around and the website for Multiple Impact Bullets is still up. I wonder how many of their chain shot wonder-bullets are being bought at $50 for 10 cartridges?

I'm waiting to see what's next from Tactical Derp Armouries.

Al_in_Ottawa

David said...

Gecko45 uses it.

Richard Blaine said...

Would I rather be shot with one of those bullets or Ball - One of those I think, chances are the person shooting the ball ammo knows what they're doing - that could be painful.

Sebastian said...

Well, what else are Glenn Beck's fans going to use when the black helicopters come to stuff them into FEMA camps in order to enforce Agenda 21?

Jon said...

I like listening to a little Rush Limbaugh now and then. I even agree with him, now and then. But for the past few years he's had a running list of 'back up solutions' for computers that he pitches.

I've listened to Rush talk about computers and he likes to think he knows his tech, but he really doesn't. I expect the various computer back up solutions get some brisk business from him - else it wouldn't be a continuing fad - but like the Gas Chromatograph, I think I'll pass on letting a radio talkshow host who's job is to *entertain* me tell me how to protect my PC.

;)

As for Glen Beck - I liked his Fox show, when he still had one - but his radio show is moonbattery extreme.

Guess it sells radio spots or he wouldn't keep doing it.

Beaumont said...

Ohh nooeess! Glenn Beck and the New Castrati Left allied in a paroxysm of Death Derp! Only the brave wookiee-suiters stand opposed in online mockery!

Tam said...

I'm sure that was intended to make sense.

Kristophr said...

Are sure that wasn't spam haiku?

Mike Gallo said...

Much more likely you would employ HPLC or HPLC-MS for that. For GC you would almost certainly need a mass spec and derivitization prior to injection. I would guess there are still old school TLC or FPLC methods out there as well.

Anonymous said...

Or even better is (no joke) DRT Ammo … not a chance I'd use it.

(facepalm)

waepnedmann said...

Your "...syncopated lambada of death." line cracked me up.
It caused me to flashback to Basic Training back in the day we were sure we would all be killed as soon as we stepped on the Tarmac during The Great Unpleasantness In Southeast Asia.
Drill Sergeant Zikan was leading PT. It was hot. A trainee asked if we could take off our T-shirts. We never took off our shirts. Drill Sergeant Zilkan (a large man of obvious indigenous Hawiian ancestory) gave the go-ahead to ground our shirts during PT. Drill Sergeant Zilkan also removed his T-shirt. It was apparent that the Drill Sergeant had three belly-buttons.
One of the trainees in the front rank asked, "Gee, Drill Sergeant Zilkan. Why do you have three belly-buttons?"
Drill Sergeant Zilkan said, "Well it was like this: There I was diddy-boppin' down the trail there in Vietnam when Victor Charles pops up and bap bap shoots me twice in the belly with his AK-47"
The young troop says, "What happened!?"
Drill Sergeant Zilkan said, "I switched my Mattie-Mattel Nightmare on Rock-and-Roll and made him do the Watusi backwards."
Thanks to Drill Sergeant Zilkan death was no longer certain.


Matthew said...

The RiP is for children and Frenchmen.

Extreme Shock NyTrilium Fang Face rounds are still teh ne plus ultra in my book. NYTRILIUM!

Anonymous said...

Anon at 3:33,
I had a box of this given to me from an LGS in Arkansas this past weekend. The cases are headstamped "DRT". I don't know if the companies are connected or just doing business with each other.

JeffCville