Thursday, May 13, 2010

Too much television.

So, apparently a Philadelphia cop who claimed he was shot by a pair of "African-American males" had actually gone all Munchausen and plugged himself. On purpose.

Desperate for a transfer or some attention or whatever, Sgt. Robert Ralston put his gun to his left shoulder and let 'er rip, because, hey, in Hollywood the heroes get a little "through-and-through" in the shoulder and just shrug it off like the stoic he-men they are.

In Hollywood, the bullet never takes a tumble and blows the shoulder joint apart in a spray of bone fragments, necessitating amputation of the arm at the shoulder. In Hollywood, the bullet never severs the subclavian artery, leaving the shootee to bleed out in a minute or so. In Hollywood, the bullet never severs the brachial plexus and leaves the victim's arm dangling uselessly.

Hey, Sgt. Ralston: The next time you want to give yourself a dramatic self-inflicted gunshot wound without the risk of hitting anything important, shoot yourself in the head, numbnuts.

11 comments:

Satan_Sunburn said...

Dumbass tag definitely applies here.

John S.

Ken said...

He will not, however, face criminal charges because police granted him immunity to obtain his confession.

Bet he doesn't even have to forfeit his LEO commission. He'll end up being a wart on the ass of the taxpayers of some smaller town.

Stretch said...

Am sure he'll get a full medical pension as well.

Anonymous said...

Step One: Sgt Ralston is charged with a Federal Crime for violating some Civil Rights Act for "inflaming racial tensions" by claiming he was shot by African-Americans.

Step Two: Sgt Ralston sues some producer of a cop TV show or movie that showed a cop getting shot with no traumatic outcome for making him believe he wouldn't be seriously injured.

Step Three: When the revolution comes, Sgt Ralston is "put down" because he is "too dumb to live."

Blackwing1 said...

You mean like this Russian?

http://jonathanturley.org/2010/05/11/itchy-trigger-finger-or-simple-suicide-russian-officer-reportedly-shoot-himself-in-the-head-by-scratching-nose-with-loaded-gun/

Lewis said...

Man, if I lived in Philly I might shoot myself too.

Joel said...

Oh, where's Al Sharpton when we need him? I'm sure he could ease those inflamed racial tensions in a twinkling.

Cybrludite said...

I'm surprised Mayor (spit) Landreau didn't name this dipwad to be the NOPD's Chief...

2yellowdogs said...

This could have happened anywhere. Cops aren't immune from stupidity any more than the rest of us.

That said, however, is there a more corrupt, ineffectual, brutality-prone and just downright stupid PD than they have in Philly? Bombing and burning city blocks, beating the $hit out of law-abiders, they've been known for all that and a lot more for DECADES.

I lived in the wilds of the crescent city and the NOLA PD gives them a darned good run for their take - er, money. But the Philly PD has it all over every other big city po-po posse hands down.

Dr. StrangeGun said...

Under the mythbusters model (busted, but how could someone pull it off)...

Needs a cheap alloy gun and a weak .22 load, fired through a pile of sterile, non-shredding, generic disposable material. No contact burn or GSR, not enough power to shatter bone (though you may still be unlucky enough to get a travelling projectile), any ejecta embedded in the wound would be clean enough to be found before causing issues, and the weapon and shield (hopefully both shields, since we're talking corrupt officers) could be discarded with little effort.

That said, I'll rarely call someone a f'ing moron, but the thought came up.

[all hypothesis are purely theoretical and do not reflect intention or acceptance of any real action by the commmenter]

deadcenter said...

No one's gonna buy this guy shooting himself twice. For the next act he should stab himself in the leg with a cheap switchblade and inadvertantly sever his femoral artery. If caught on video he could win an Oscar and a Darwin award for the same performance.