Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Unconstitutional is to Fatuous as Sisyphean is to...?

Ever since Jimmy Carter got the government so drunk one night that it woke up with a Department of Education the next morning, the ED has been a source of some of the most daft and silly ideas in a federal bureaucracy noted for them. This is no mean achievement; it's akin to being the weirdest guy in the Jim Rose Freak Show or the critter with the most heads at the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Odditorium.

The latest is especially hilarious, though. Don't take my word for it; listen to the Big Idea for this week's gala from Maximum School Leader Arne Duncan. Here are the words straight from horse's a... er, mouth:
The goal of the summit is to engage governmental and nongovernmental partners in crafting a national strategy to reduce and end bullying.
Wow. The Federal government is going to end bullying in schools.

Look, school bullying has been going on since Sargon wouldn't stop poking Lugal in the ribs with his reed stylus during third period math, and the only reason it wasn't going on earlier than that is there weren't any schools, so it was just plain bullying. If you backtrack those footprints at Laetoli, you'll see where one of the australopithecines was giving the other a noogie. This isn't some fancy new American invention, and you're as likely to stop it as you are to stop sex, war, or eating.

Further, where in the sweet name of Shiva do you get off thinking the federal government has any business at all even worrying about this, huh? I know you work for the Department of Education, but did you cut class a lot in Civics or AmGov or whatever they called it in your school? Don't you think that, had they wanted to, Washington or Hamilton would have leaned over and said "Hey, James, prithee put somethinge in there to keep little boys from dippinge little girls' pigtails in the inkwells..."?

Wait, wait, I know how this happened... The dorks running the Department of Education got wedgies a lot, and when they started crying and ran to the teacher, the class bully said "Hey, you don't have to make a federal case out of it!"

And now they can.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Elections have consequences...

Gmac

Tam said...

"Elections have consequences..."

That's right. Vote for Reagan; he promises to abolish the Dept. of Education.

GreatBlueWhale said...

Why should the Feds address bullying? I'll tell you why. They've obviously fixed every other problem in America, and have to have SOMETHING to do.

Anonymous said...

Those who can do. Those who can not go to Washington.

Anonymous said...

I cant recall where I read this, but it was along the lines of: "remember the nerd table in the H/S cafeteria? They're now running the country."
McVee

Anonymous said...

But hey, if the bullied FIGHT back then both parties get blamed.

And god forbid, the bully gets spanked by his dad, that'd be child abuse.

and if the teacher grabs bully by the ear and drags them to the principals office - assault!


But we're going to stop bullying.

Lewis said...

And if the states don't comply with the new federal anti-bullying guidelines, the federal government will, umm, beat them up and take away their lunch money.

CGHill said...

Bullying can be stopped by one thing, and one thing only: beating the living crap out of the bully. (And since the existence of bullying implies rather strongly that the parenting job being done is woefully inadequate, beating the living crap out of them is highly recommended.)

It will never happen, of course. Being beaten to a bloody pulp causes anxiety and low self-esteem.

John said...

Praise Allah!!!

The Americans destroy themselves.

After we kill all the infidel adult male Christians and their lustful women who dare look us in the eye, we must remember to keep and preserve their Dept of Education.

It will help us keep a compliant and submissive population, as slaves to our superior culture.


'tratefac'?...Yes,it is a fact.

Craig S. Miller said...

When I was in my earlier gradeschool days, I was small for my age. Going to a Catholic School in the 70's bullying was done by everyone, fellow students, nuns, and even some priests. It was not great for my self esteem, so I started working on getting tougher until I could prove and defend myself. Once you knock a bully on his ass, a funny thing happens: he quits bullying, and others respect you while things fall into a natural order. Your self esteem improves without counseling and medication and if you aren't a scumbag yourself, you treat others with respect remembering the hell you went through. Life is tough, wear a helmet.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what the deputy under secretary of bullying remediation pays? $150K with perks?

Go to some conferences, give some powerpoint talks. Nice gig if you can get it.

Tam, it is for the children!

Gerry

Lissa said...

Let's get some of those nice blue anti-bullying bracelets from the UK -- those worked fabulously well!

wolfwalker said...

Bullying can be stopped by one thing, and one thing only:

A load of double-ought buck.

ajdshootist said...

When it was two against one i found
that a broken chair leg applied to their heads followed by a swift kick between the legs worked wonders.

Anonymous said...

"That's right. Vote for Reagan; he promises to abolish the Dept. of Education"

Actually I should have specified that it leads to ijits like A. Duncan making specious claims that all will be well now that he is the fearless leader who is going to smite all bullies into submission and prevent hurt feelings throughout the entire edjumakasun system.

I'll be strapping on my ice skates now for a brief sojourn to examine the icy surface of the skating rink in hell.

Gmac

Nathan said...

CGHill +1.

The only way I ever stopped a bully was to beat the crap out of him.

Which suggests a solution to a lot of problems. Can we just go beat up Congress?

Nathan said...

Oh, and for geeks who don't know what to do with a bully, Dick had this posted the other day (in another context).

wv: totodin. Stop barking, you little lapdog.

Sabra said...

Child of a relative of mine got bullied in school. He fought 'em, he got in trouble--and it didn't stop the bullying, either.

The school's solution? Anti-bullying water bottles. Not filled with bleach solution, which might have helped. Just...water bottles. That said "We don't bully at _____ Elementary School" or something along those lines.

I'm sure the .gov has more of the same in mind.

Anonymous said...

the only way to get rid of a bully is to kick the shit out of them!

eeky said...

The only way to get rid of a bully is to hire Adam Baldwin as your bodyguard.

Bubblehead Les. said...

Something tells me that the Dept. of Ed. is just looking for a way to get a "Security Force" into their Dept. They'll be tasked with roaming the Halls, Tasering 6th. Graders who "Bully". After all, damn near every other Federal Agency gets to have cops, so why not them? Plus, they'll be able to protect all those poor teachers who were supposed to be fired come 2012 when the "All children get left Behind" Act is supposed to can their asses. Can't lose those Teacher Union dues, you know.

Tam said...

Department of Education IG's office has armed agents, but they're for internal corruption investigations.

LabRat said...

My school had the zero-tolerance policy on fighting.

As life lessons go, "authorities are useless and mostly exist to cover their own asses, take care of yourself and take the authority's consequences for it if you must" was one of my more valuable bits of education.

GuardDuck said...

Can't bully, that's the governments job and they hate competition.

If there is one thing the government is good at - it's making jobs for itself and then outlawing non-government people from doing a government job.

Anonymous said...

Everything is a federal case, don't you know? That notion has a name and that name is totalitarianism-- bullying on a wholesale level.

The Department of Education is an abomination and should be immediately disbanded. -- Lyle

DanH said...

In the old days, if you got bullied you told your Dad, then he whipped the bully's Dad, then you whipped the bully. However, now no one knows who their daddy is in too many schools, so your mama calls the cops. We talk a lot about the nanny state, but what we really have is the Daddy State. So many people don't mind having kids with just a baby daddy because Daddy State will pay the bills.

jbrock said...

Any anti-bullying initiative not involving a phrase like "half a dozen friends and a duffel full of tee-ball bats" is just a bad joke. Vital lessons need to be learned--and taught--early.

Anonymous said...

The other day I heard a friend tell a joke about the Federal government's willingness to start pulling together commitees and subcommitees and big investigations everytime someone in government calls someone else a poo-poo head.

Small world...

Rick C said...

well, true, probably, but you CAN end it locally, as several people pointed out recently in comments to a tjic post. The usual solution is, of course, is the one made famous by Ralphie in A Christmas Story: beat on the guy while babbling pseudo-swears in tongues, Yosemite-Sam style.

Anonymous said...

"But hey, if the bullied FIGHT back then both parties get blamed."

Actually, nowadays even if the victim DOESN'T fight back, they get disciplined to. I know, defies all logic. I remember getting suspended in 4th grade for getting knocked down by another student. Just because I got back on my feet, that was "showing resistance"

Once I learned that THAT bullcrap was in effect...I started going for broke in the other fights I was involved in.

staghounds said...

1. Washington Hamilton, and Madison would have been stunned at the very idea of girls and boys in the same class room.

2. You people DO have rich fantasy lives, don't you?


"Mrs. Smith? Hello, Congressman Brown here. I got your letter about your child being bullied at a DOE funded school. I'm sorry, that's your problem, not a Federal issue at all, we have bigger problems.

You, and all the other voters in your family, will just have to pound sand and solve it on your own."

Tam said...

A girl can dream, can't she?