Tuesday, February 05, 2013

With 30% Less Cheerfulness Than Other Cereals.

On the phone with Staghounds yesterday, and somehow the topic of conversation turned to that competitor of breakfast cereal titan General Mills: Dark Satanic Mills.

Yes, Dark Satanic Mills, the breakfast cereal choice of the most cost-effective workhouses everywhere! Their new Castor Oil Flavoured Barley Clumps are guaranteed to contain the absolute minimum USRDA of ten vitamins and minerals required to sustain life and no more insect parts than are allowed by law. (Now with sawdust for fiber!)

28 comments:

TBeck said...

What else do you expect from a company whose advertising motto is, "Eat 'em and smile!"

Bob said...

"Insect parts" is judgmental and unfair. We prefer to call it "chitinous dietary fiber product."

Steve Skubinna said...

I noticed years ago that breakfast cereals marketed to adults never emphasizes taste, but virtue. All ads for adult cereals make it sound as if you should wear a hair shirt while eating them.

Plus, they help you poop on time. Which suggests Al Roker's next gig.

Steve Skubinna said...

Damn it, can't get this out of my head now:

"And did those teeth in ancient times, munch upon crunchy multigrains?"

Anonymous said...

Is there a specific time to poop? If so, I've been doing it wrong for 48 years.

staghounds said...

No, Chex is taste oriented.

See if on;y we had photoshop skillz, we could do up a box. Put Gradgrind or Mr. Bumble on the front all disapproving.

Matthew said...

Lucky Charms is being marketed to adults right now. And the box proudly proclaims that it is full of whole grain goodness. That's got to be a warning sign for something or other.

Ken said...

Castor-Oil Flavored Barley Clumps: Breakfast of chimney sweeps?

(something amiss with the left shift key on this here laptop)

Tam said...

staghounds,

"See if on;y we had photoshop skillz, we could do up a box. Put Gradgrind or Mr. Bumble on the front all disapproving."

'Barley Clumps: Cereal You Mustn't Fancy!'

Steve Skubinna said...

Anon 8:31, there's a term for people who worry about times and frequencies and amounts of poopage.

And that term is "liberals."

Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

Why yes, I'd love a serving of teh funnee with my snark, thanks very much :)

I shan't comment about frosted flakes of bran. You really don't want to know.

Scott J said...

My taste buds must be broken. I actually like the taste of high fiber cereal like Total.

I even like the Wally mart store brand bran flakes.

Of course, I actually like my Taurus PT745 so I obviously have no taste :-)

Ted N said...

Why can't this be a real thing?

https://www.teefury.com/archive/1845/Barf_s_Space_Balls/

Remember, it's all about the merchandising!

Goober said...

@Ted n:

*moichandizing.

Not merchandising.

Ken said...

Scott J, I know what you mean. I consider oatmeal a delicacy...at least once you add cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, raisins, and brown sugar to it.

Brad K. said...

Thirty five years ago, one of the sailors I served with (USN) had a collection of Firesign Theater cassette tapes. "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" was a favorite. Including the passage

"Announcer~ We’ll be back to Nick Danger after this message!

LB~ Alright hold it right where you are! I’m Lieutenant Bradshaw with a piece of advice for you. Now here in The studio its all knuckles and know-how but when that red light goes off I’m just plain Harry Abe: Citizen and Weekend Father now take a tip from a cop who does. radio work can be just as dirty and Exciting as hunting down public enemy number 1. So when I get home my old lady knows just what I Need and how, a warm heaping bowlful of Luciners castor-oil flakes with real glycerin vibrafoam, it Doesn’t just wash your mouth out it cleans the system right on down the line so come on you little Rookies and tell you mom to get on it and do it everyday just remember what the guys down at the Precinct house say: Oh it aint no use if you aint got the boost the boost you get from Luciners Luciners The all weather breakfast! "


All I heard was "Loose-Ners" all these years, until I found the transcript (http://www.angelfire.com/planet/firesign/furtheradv.html) today. Thanks!

@ Steve Skubinna,

As we get older, out digestive systems accumulate stresses, they age into a less-tolerant, less-durable structure. And the shared wisdom of comfortable, dependable poopage comes as naturally as sharing experiences on the firing line, at PTA, and shopping for paper towels.

Witness the colorful bad guy's description of going #2 in "Happy Texas".

Scott J said...

Ken, indeed. Especially steel cut cooked overnight in a crock pot. The Alton Brown way.

Kip Condor said...

Related?

Brad K. said...

The jingle for Loostners is available [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/loostners-castoroil-flakes-lyrics-firesign-theatre.html ]:
Oh, it ain't no use
If you ain't got the boost
The boost you get from Loostners
(Loo-ooo-oosnters)
[spoken] The all weather breakfast!

Kristophr said...

Insect parts?

We did not authorize that much protein in our bachelor chow, dammit.

If we can't fix this, put insect parts on the label ( "Now, with extra protein!" ), and charge more.

global village idiot said...

http://www.cthulhulives.org/toybox/MythOs.html

They've even got a commercial...

http://www.cthulhulives.org/toybox/MythOs/MythOsMed.mov

gvi

Mattexian said...

Lucky Charms is being marketed to adults right now. And the box proudly proclaims that it is full of whole grain goodness. That's got to be a warning sign for something or other.

A few years back on another blog whose owner has gone all libbie and not so much about her dog anymore, she commented about the new "Chocolate Lucky Charms- they're magically hypoglycemic!"

Rick C said...

Wouldn't Dark Satanic Mills have no less than the minimum amount of insect parts required by law?

Rob said...

"heir new Castor Oil Flavoured Barley Clumps are guaranteed to contain the absolute minimum USRDA of ten vitamins and minerals required to sustain life and no more insect parts than are allowed by law. (Now with sawdust for fiber!) "

I think I had a bowl of that yesterday.


...no, wait, that was "chocolate"-flavored Fiber One. My bad.

Gewehr98 said...

Malted Barley Clumps, perhaps? Sign me up!

John said...

Before the Lucas retrofit, Dark Satanic Mills used to be known as simply Satanic Mills.

Mikael said...

Re: Brad K.

Overconsumption of dietary fiber isn't good for your guts... and it can actually lead to diarrhea and dehydration.

Some fibers are also really rough on your guts... particularly your rectum. I love eating nuts/peanuts for example, but when I've overindulged on peanuts... it's like shitting out a rasp.

Ken said...

One for John. Heh.