Tuesday, April 22, 2014

You have got to be $#!++ing me.

Via this satire post at Rational Gun, I discovered that the Navy of my country is naming a ship after Gabby Giffords, apparently for doing nothing other than stopping a bullet.

I feel like I'm suddenly in some weird parallel universe. Seriously? I'm sorry for what happened to Gabby and all, but getting shot does not qualify one for being memorialized in steel as an instrument of our nation's vengeance, else the docks at Norfolk and Pearl would be crowded with Jovantays and Tyshons.

Is there no indignity to which we will not stoop to show how kind'n'caring we are? How about the USS Gaia? USS Harmonious Foreign Relations? USS Fluffy
.

93 comments:

Bob said...

Don't give them any ideas. I wouldn't put it past the current administration to saddle us with the USS Trayvon Martin.

billf said...

I know what you mean,but ever since they gave a Nobel prize to his majesty,(before he even served a day as president),I stopped caring what honors which group of idiots gave to whomever.
How'd you like to serve on that ship?Do you think they'll even load the guns?

TerriLiGunn said...

USS Fluffy would be awesome, but only if it was a carrier with at least 20 ICBM nukes and destroyer class main guns.

Tam said...

" I wouldn't put it past the current administration to saddle us with the USS Trayvon Martin."

I can't believe I missed that. Golf clap, sir.

Considering his near-beatification in popular culture, it would not at all shock me.

Greg F said...

I'm still waiting for the USS Righteous Indignation.

GregF

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

"We're evacuating you to the USS Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship."

ProudHillbilly said...

I can so see them doing Gaia. Really.

Wouter de Waal said...

>USS Harmonious Foreign Relations

That is *so* Iain M. Banks.

Jim said...

U.S.S. White Privilege. Built for the sole purpose of being used for target practice by the U.S.S. Academia and U.S.S. Media.



Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Aaron said...

I hear the Buffalo Sabres are looking to recruit her to play goalie. They figure if she can stop a shot like that, she's got a chance to pull them out of last in the standings.

Back on topic, naming a Littoral Combat Ship after her is surprisingly apt - it's turning out to be the Obamacare of navy ships - too expensive, unstable, over-complex, technically unstable with an incomplete design at the start of production, inefficient and not suited for the mission its designed to perform. Sounds appropriate to name it after an underwhelming politician.

Rational Gun said...

Thanks for the time spent reading, folks. It was either write or punch something.

Scott J said...

Life imitates art. In this Bracken short fiction a USS Harvey Milk is christened: https://westernrifleshooters.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/what-i-saw-at-the-coup/

Let us pray that life does not continue to make Matt look clairvoyant.

TBeck said...

USS Vincent Foster?

Firehand said...

You realize this is starting to sound like part of a Retief novel come to life?

Lewis said...

And there's still no USS Loretta Walsh. (You wouldn't even have to put the Perfectus in there, I wouldn't mind.)

JayNola said...

Possibly the beginning of the end.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USNS_Cesar_Chavez_(T-AKE-14)
The naming conventions have always been a bit loose.
http://www.history.navy.mil/download/Shipnamingreport.pdf

Ps. Sorry for the cut and paste links.

Jon said...

In Call of Duty Black Ops II - which admittedly has one of the worst storylines ever - there is a 'super carrier' (That looks like a Litoral Combat Ship writ large) named the Barak Obama.

I took no small glee in making a choice later in the game which caused the damned thing to sink.

Chris Gerrib said...

Well, what exactly did John C. Stennis do to get an aircraft carrier named after him?

Alas, naming ships after politicians is a long-standing tradition.

og said...

The Crimson batefeieio

Boat Guy said...

Aaron's got a point; they're only naming a Little Crappy Ship after her; so it's not like it's a real honor. More like a "consider the source" kinda backhanded "compliment".
As I've written before I believe I have isolated the root cause of the Surface Navy's problem - the management has NOT BEEN TO WAR in over three generations - hence their absolute lack of clue as to what it takes to do so.

John Richardson said...

Who are we to question sainthood, not to mention the Navy ship, for someone whose main claim to fame is being in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Tam said...

Chris Gerrib,

1) From your link: "Because of his work with the Armed Services Committee (1969–1980) he became known as the "Father of America's modern navy", and he was subsequently honored by having a supercarrier, USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74) named after him. He is one of only two members of Congress to be so honored, the other being former Georgia Democrat Carl Vinson."

2) I bitched when I heard they were naming a carrier after Reagan simply because he was still alive. I will continue to bitch about whatever I feel like bitching about on my blog. It's why I have one, after all.

staghounds said...

Mr. Gerrib is right.

And she IS married to a USN Captain and Astronaut, which is more than can be said for Stennis (or Reagan for that matter)

Mike_C said...

> crowded with Jovantays and Tyshons.

Didn't even have to go beyond the first page to find those, eh? Wonder how many more people would be on that list were they not cooking the homicide statistics. And depressing how few cases have a non-blank "Suspect" field.

Back on-topic: +1 USS Righteous Indignation

Matt said...

I am still waiting for a submarine to be named after Monica Lewinsky.

I don't think Giffords actually stopped the bullet, IIRC, it traveled along the left side of her head and kept moving.

Tam said...

staghounds,

"And she IS married to a USN Captain and Astronaut, which is more than can be said for Stennis"

I would posit that chairing the Senate Armed Services Committee for eleven years, during which period of time the construction of the Nimitz-class carriers were authorized, laid down, and launched, was of perhaps more significance to a grateful navy then marrying one of its captains. ;)

Anonymous said...

USS Righteous Indignation known to her crew as Old Butt Hurt.

Gerry

Lergnom said...

TerriLiGunn said...
"USS Fluffy would be awesome, but only if it was a carrier with at least 20 ICBM nukes and destroyer class main guns."

Any ship christened USS Fluffy should be an ICBM-equipped Montana class battleship with a railgun on the prow.

Tam said...

(...all this rebuttal to an unfounded presumption that I'm somehow okey-dokey with the naming of the Stennis in the first place. I love how, by internet debate rules, unless you have publicly expressed outrage at every previous instance of X, then you are not allowed to express outrage at a current instance. I'm checking my archives, and it appears I did not actually type a blog post about the naming of CVN-74 or -76, so y'all got me there. :p )

Joseph said...

USS Stern Warning has a ring to it.

Boat Guy said...

Actually I'd druther have a ship (well in this case a "sorta" ship) named after her than that oath-breaking SOB she married.

Stretch said...

It's simple:
Battleships are named for states.
Cruisers for cities.
DDs for naval/Marine personnel.
Carriers for battles.
Subs for fish/sea mammals.
Ammo ships for volcanoes.

And if your BP isn't high enough ...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_John_P._Murtha_%28LPD-26%29

staghounds said...



True, but she did make one naval officer very happy, and it's not an awfully big ship.

USS Fluffy?

HMS Candytuft!
And her sisters...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Flower-class_corvettes#Royal_Navy

Ancient Woodsman said...

Matt beat me to it...but it should be noted that the theoretical SSN Monica Lewinsky would easily blow anything else out of the water.

Would the USS MSNBC sink while still tied to moorings around launch time?

How about a SSBN Michael Bloomberg, nicknamed Ye Old Hole in the Water, in to which money gets poured for no apparent effect in return.

Lastly, the official rowboat of the USN, the SS Rahm Emanuel, a.k.a. The Tiny Dancer. Floats, but not on water.

Sendarius said...

USS Red Line??

Scott J said...

All this talk of carrier naming has me thinking of Stacey Keach as the voice of a Corsair. :D

Anonymous said...

Could be worse, there were four ships in the Royal Navy named Cockchafer.

Just wait long enough and you'll see a USS 'Slick Willie' and I'm sure the USS Barack Hussein Obama will have a steering malfunction that constantly applies full left rudder.

Al_in_Ottawa

global village idiot said...

This just in from AFRTS...

CINCUSTRANSCOM approves renaming USNS Waters (T-AGS 45) to USNS Awareness.

In other news, Patrol Squadron 11 (VP-11) to be reactivated, image of pegasus on shoulder patch to be replaced by Rainbow Dash.

Plans for launch of USS NPR (ARDM-5) delayed due to funding issues related to shortened pledge drive.

Stay tuned for more Navy news from the Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.


gvi

markofafreeman said...

Joseph: USS Stern Warning has ring to it.

I like the USS Hans Brix Angry Letter.

Anonymous said...

Guys, please, you gotta stop it! You're just giving them ideas! ^.^

OK, I gotta jump in. At this rate, I fully expect somewhere a dock to be named the Piers Morgan, a blimp the Sharpton, and a destroyer the U.S.S. SayWhatAgain.

--BillMiller

perlhaqr said...

I have to admit, I'm kinda digging on USS Harmonious Foreign Relations as well.

Sister ship, the USS i said i've got a big stick. ;) (Yes, I'm stealing directly from Banks there. He can sue me if he cares. ;) )

Dregan3D said...

USS Fluffy. This needs to be a destroyer, like now.

You owe me new keyboard for that...

Angus McThag said...

The Navy has named ships for people famous for stopping bullets before.

USS John F. Kennedy, for example.

DaddyBear said...

Might as well start commissioning the U.S.S. John Anthony Walker, an intelligence gathering ship that inexplicably sends all of its findings to the enemy, along with the codes it should have used to encrypt them.

RKN said...

Shame no ship or ordnance is named after individual taxpayers given we're footin' the bill.

Doc said...

All great ideas for names. I'd like to add my submission to the contest...USS Line In The Sand

rickn8or said...

Stretch beat me to the punch re: USS Murtha.

But you know someone is going to put forward the proposition that one of the Ford-class carriers be named for Obama.

Getting a set of orders to that boat would make me go UA.

JD Rush said...

SSN Monica Lewinski....

Thanks, now I have iced tea on my phone. And my blue shirt.

rickn8or said...

In other news, Patrol Squadron 11 (VP-11) to be reactivated...

Ah, cheery news; gives me hope that Big Red (VP-19) might live again. That would be nice. Every squadron I was attached to has been decommissioned, all the airplanes that I worked on/flew in have gone to the boneyard or worse, except the P-3's and they're on their way out.

Armed Texan said...

The thing is, and I think you probably already know this, is that Jovantay and Tyshon are not part of our nobility. The nobles in our in congress, the White House, and SCOTUS have such a weary life burdened with governing us peons for our betterment. For a noble to be shot is such an event that whole world wars have been started over it.

staghounds said...


A chance to serve on the USS SayWhatAgain would make me try to enlist.

staghounds said...


We haven't even gotten around to naming weapons. I'll start.

The Mark III Sexual Misconduct Career Torpedo.

azmountaintroll said...

"Fish don't vote".

rickn8or said...

"A chance to serve on the USS SayWhatAgain would make me try to enlist."

staghounds, I've got my "30-year letter", but I'd stand in line to buy the ship's ballcap...

LCB said...

Shines the name,
Shines the name,
Rodger Young

Ken said...

RuneQuest, Og?

Chris Gerrib said...

Tam - I didn't assume you were okay with naming a carrier after Stennis. I merely pointed out that people have been naming ships after politicians since politics was invented.

Joe in PNG said...

More Banksian naming:
USS Don't Make Me Come Over There!
USS The Glassmaker
USS Say What Again!
USS Break Things and Kill People

Robin said...

We should borrow Howard Tayler's naming convention from Schlock Mercenary

USS Post Dated Check Loan

USS Serial Peacemaker

Robert said...

"How'd you like to serve on that ship? Do you think they'll even load the guns?"

The USS Trayvon Martin? Their plan would be to ram the other ship and take away its gun. ;)

Anonymous said...

A future newscast.

"US Navy public relations officers are tight-lipped about the grounding of the USS Obama the Navy's newest carrier. Inside sources, who are not authorized to speak to the press, reveal that during her acceptance trials the ship made an uncommanded turn to the left and accelerated onto the rocks."

Al_in_Ottawa

abnormalist said...

so since no one else has said it, she didnt even STOP the bullet. Wikipedia says it passed through :-)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabby_giffords#Attempted_assassination

Commander_Zero said...

Much like the canonization of JFK for being a backstop. Without that event his political legacy is further involvement in Vietnam, bringing the US to the brink of nuclear war, and riding Marilyn Monroe like she was Secretariat.

Windy Wilson said...

It may take a while before they think the public will sit still for the USS Mumia Abu Jamal, and like the sailors on the various flower ships (The Convovulvus --the Hollyhock? Seriously? "What ship are you from, sailor?"), they had all better be recruited from Golden Gloves winners and runners-up.

Dan said...

If all goes to the Dems plan first ship named for a FLOTUS the submarine tender USS William Jefferson Clinton. Motto "Please go down on us hard."

Ed said...

Who would want to serve one the USS Sitting Duck?

The toughest ship on the seas could be the USS Valerie Jarrett.

tweell said...

I foresee the Spirit ship class.

Spirit of Peace
Spirit of Diversity
Spirit of Friendship
etc.

Rich in Ohio said...

I believe USS Stern Warning has a sister ship: USS Grave Concern

Brad K. said...

How about a USS Chappaquiddick? or, USS Obamacare?

How about USS Bobby Soetoro, or USS Kenyas Native Son?

It struck me, though, John Hemry's naval fantasies not withstanding (JAG in Space, Universal Law series, "Just Determination"), I might request to be returned to active duty for a tour on the USS Fluffy Bunny, if'n it were a destroyer or better.

Now, a boomer sub or CVN named Fluffy Bunny might be a bit much. Maybe CVN Bonzo, perhaps? SBN Buck Rogers? CGN Mister Rogers? BB Frank Zappa? LHA Grateful Dead?

ASR Freddie Mercury? No. That would be just wrong. Maybe DE Freddie Mercury. But that might lead to an DD Justin Bieber. Gack.

treefroggy said...

USS Sunbeam. MixMaster Class submarine .

K T Cat said...

The USS Fluffy would be totally awesome. It's sistership, the USS LOLCAT would be even better.

I can haz missiles?

Brad said...

Very entertaining Post & comments ... love it.

I think the "Fluffy" would need to be an SSBN - - - max firepower for our furry little friend.

Anonymous said...

Well, they did name a Seawolf class nuclear powered fast attack boat the USS Jimmy Carter.

"Jimmy Carter" and "attack" don't belong in the same sentence, let alone on a warship.

After that bit lunacy, any of the above options seem somewhat reasonable.

malclave said...

Would the crew of the USS Monica Lewinsky be entitled to wear a special mark on their blue dresses... um, I mean their dress blues?

Anonymous said...

USS Teddy Bear!

Ulises from CA

Mike_C said...

> I foresee the Spirit ship class.
So did Tom Kratman in his Legion del Cid (Terra Nova) SF series: Spirit of Peace, Spirit of Unity, Spirit of Harmony and Spirit of Brotherhood.

> Without [getting shot JFK's political legacy is ...
Heh. When confronted with Kennedy-worship a good friend of mine used to pull a tragic face and say soulfully, "I really wish JFK had survived the assassination attempt." After a bit of the inevitable gushing from the self-presumed kindred spirit he'd then snarl, "So we could openly despise him just like we hate all the other recent presidents."

SSBN (or SSN or whatever) Fluffy Bunny is all fine and good, but surely I am not the only one who thinks of Bun-bun on reading that name? (Shudder)

Anonymous said...

Wouter de Waal said...
>USS Harmonious Foreign Relations

That is *so* Iain M. Banks.


HA! Great point.

Anonymous said...

He built the navy we are discussing.... You know the carriers and subs... Deserves a super carrier and a Virginia Class Sub at least.

Anonymous said...

What to let the world know how serious we are?

How about USS Red Line

Bandit said...

The U.S.S. Care Bears has a nice ring to it

PubliusII said...

Time to adopt the principle that no warship can be named for a living person. And people must be dead for 25 years before their name is elegible to be used.

Jenny said...

So once upon a time, a disgruntled Yankee sailor rowed out in the middle of the night to chop Andy Jackson's likeness off the front of the USS Constitution.

Apropos of nothing, of course.

:)

Cargosquid said...

The Gabby will be a LCS. LCS is SUPPOSED to stand for Littoral Combat Ship. But even the admiral in charge says that the ships are not built for combat and survivability is not stressed. They are built, apparently, to be targets. Their weapon systems have not even been INVENTED. So they will be underarmed floating targets.....

LCS actually stands for Little Crappy Ship.

This is the PERFECT combination of name and ship.

And now that I've been introduced to the name....I need to go check some of Bank's books out. They sound awesome.

staghounds said...



Littoral Combat Ship.

Say it three times fast, I dare you.

Robert Fowler said...

USS Break Things and Kill People

Can I re-enlist and lead the Marine detail? Sounds like my kind of ship.

Sigivald said...

I prefer classics like USS What Are The Civilian Applications?, USS Falling Outside The Normal Moral Constraints, and the like.

For a Commie, Iain Banks made some compelling ship names.

Colorado Joe said...

The name suggestions are excellent! I'm glad I finished dinner and was not consuming beverages before I started reading this!
I propose that if the USS Theodore Roosevelt is "The Big Stick" the CVN USS Richard M. Nixon could be "The Tricky D**k"
If there is to be a USS Chappaquiddick then certainly there should be a USS Fort Marcy Park as well.
Miss Tam summed up the USS Gabby Giffords best in the beginning; Perhaps the ship in question should be named the USS Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?!

Joe

mikee said...

A US Trayvon Martin would inspire fear and respect among any well-read foreign enemies. 0

As I recall TM attacked his victim without warning, sucker punching him in an attempt to knock him out before he knew he was in a fight, then banging his head on cement to try and kill him.

I see someone wearing a TM shirt, I'm crossing the street. I'd suggest you do the same.

Ed said...

The USS Spearpoint of Diplomacy would be an example of truth in labeling.

Brad K. said...

@ Cargosquid,

I dunno. I have nothing against Congresswoman Giffords -- her public service seems to deserve respect, at least.

It is those bottom feeders stealing her identity to poster-child the Brady bunch and a the panderers using her name inappropriately that I object to.

I think the Navy should have gone all Air Force with the LCS stuff, leave the designation X-nn until they see if floats, test the weapons, and pass sea trials for deployment. We put our sons and daughters in service on these ships -- they deserve to know their service is honored, with a dependable ship ready to serve, and an agenda for the ship clearly aimed at serving our nation. Inappropriate naming, improper design and fabrication, missing weapon systems -- these are the disrespect we need to shed light on, not those trying to cover their own butts by distracting attention with Congresswoman Gifford's name.

Anonymous said...

But no USS Larry McDonald who was a Navy flight surgeon and was killed by the communists while serving as a US Representative from Georgia.

Disgusting.

Casey said...

Gerrib is unbelievably ignorant of our naming conventions, or deliberately ignoring them. Stretch accurately cited them upstream.

We only started the "politician" crap after Korea, so it's a fairly small proportion of our history. And before Gerrib starts his "if you haven't condemned it you must support it" BS, I would cheerfully rename the Ronald Reagan Enterprise. Ditto for all the others.

That said, USS SayWhatAgain does have a certain ring to it...

markm said...

At least Mondale, Harvey Milk, and Jimmy Carter did serve in the military during a time of war, even if their collective combat experience is zero.