Sunday, November 14, 2010

If you have to fly...

...and thus can't avoid the gropers, what do you do?
1) When the groper approaches, shake your head, point at the most attractive member of the checkpoint staff and say in a dreamy voice "No, I want them to do it!"

2) Ask the groper's name so that you can shout it out for added verisimilitude: "Oh, yes! Oh, [groper's name here]! Oh, God, yes!"

3) Get a panicky look on your face and mutter "Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue..." over and over.

4) If you're a male, turn your head and cough.
(This assuming we can't all just stop flying and let them freeze in the dark...)

27 comments:

Fred said...

I like number 3... unfortunately I have my doubts as to any TSA agents actually getting it.

RobertM said...

I like number 1, 3 is shiny, but 4 is probably my favorite.

Tango Juliet said...

The Israelis have had an extremely effective screening process in place for decades.

That, and the fact they have no qualms about actually kicking some ass, makes an effective system.

Ben C said...

Or maybe if there are enough disgruntled large hairy dudes, willing to go through security wearing nothing but a banana hammock and flip flops on the same day and request a pat-down...

Would make for some "interesting" news protest footage (or youtube, as the MSM will probably ignore it)

WV:"nolubit" I hope things have not gotten to the point where the TSA is required to use lube for searches. eeew

DaveFla said...

Over at The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg is suggesting that more of us should discover our Scots roots and show up in kilt, sporran & kit bag (skip the dirk; they'll only keep it.)

warriorgeek said...

If I'm ever forced to fly again, I'm getting all Meg Ryan right there at the check point. I just hope they give me a good reach around to work with.

Oleg Volk said...

By the way, TSA are _not_ destroying contraband, including liquor and ammunition. I doubt they expect spiked drinks or triple-charged pistol ammo.

Joanna said...

Start flailing around like a small child, screaming "Bad touch" and crying for your mommy. Bonus points if you actually wet your pants. You can claim it was a repressed/delayed reaction to an incident involving a department-store Santa when you were four.

Ed Foster said...

Tango Juliet:

I've dealt with the Israelis for years, and they really have their heads screwed on right when it comes to security.

Fly El Al regularly? They'll check your background, and if it's police or military, ask if you want a little something in a holster under the seat.

A quicky training program, along with a friendly dinner (on them), and you have access to a 20 gauge single shot pistol, and the knowledge of when to use it and when not to.

A buddy of mine, Nathan Roy, was wounded in Sinai during the '67 war. He came to the U.S. for back surgery, and ended up going to school here.

Two weeks of each year, he was in a cubicle off the lobby of the Israeli Consulate in New York, behind a hidden firing port, cradling a silenced Uzi.

They have long since refused to land in ass-hat pinko airports like Athens, where the fuel delivered by bowser might have the odd grenade in it (You tape the spoon down with PVC tape, then pull the pin. 45 minutes later the JP dissolves the tape and boom).

We could learn a lot from them, but that would involve fighting the NIH attitudes so common among governmental pissants.

Newbius said...

Tam,

I am opting out of flying entirely. I am going to California next week. By car. The airlines can kiss my ...

Justthisguy said...

Hmm, this all seems very like something I wrote in a comment over at The Donovan's blog. Of course, I can't say this over there, as your name is unmentionable on his blog.

Really, what is it with you two? Y'all seem to share many sentiments about liberty, and RKBA, and all, but it's like y'all are in the same room, saying similar things, but not taking notice of the presence of the other person.

Justthisguy said...

Oh yeah, Oleg. Back when I was reloading .45ACP with Winchester 231, I noticed that even the fairly hot loads barely took up a third of the space in the case. I was very careful to look in each case and see how much powder was in it before seating the bullet.

There is a long history of leaving overcharged cartridges around for the enemy to find. Winston Churchill mentioned it, and we did it in Viet-Nam. Sorta like the grenade with the zero-length, or April Fool, fuze which you leave lying around when retreating.

Tremaine said...

Here's a thought. If your country is trying to blow up a piece of our country no one from there gets on our planes.

Problem solved. I'm pretty sure Afghanistan doesn't have a navy unless they've taught the goats to swim.

Anonymous said...

You think that TSA annoying people is a side effect?

The anointed ones in charge at the TSA and above see the airlines as a metaphor for America - big, bloated, comfortable, and mass-produced; everything that they hate.

Every passenger they piss off and drive away weakens the airline industry that much more. They do it on purpose.

Cybrludite said...

Next summer's trip to Madison for the Terry Pratchet convention, I'm making the 17 hour drive. It would be 16, but staying out of Illinois tacks on an extra hour. (By then, a Louisiana CCW will be good all the way to the Wisconsin border. Perhaps further with Wi's anti-CCW law being held unconstitutional by their courts...)

Tam said...

Justthisguy,

"Of course, I can't say this over there, as your name is unmentionable on his blog.

Really, what is it with you two?
"

Huh? What?

I'm feuding with somebody? I wish people would tell me these things.

Anonymous said...

Make a police report for Sexual Battery?

Shootin' Buddy

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

Dangit! Everyone is doing a TSA groper post and mine isn't scheduled for a few days. I'll look like I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

Weetabix said...

Joanna, you made me literally laugh out loud.

I've been figuring on option one with a splash of two. I like making them uncomfortable, too.

Stretch said...

I'm keeping all my gas, motel and restaurant receipts from my next road trip to FLA. Copy them and send them to CEOs of airlines serving IAD and TLH with note "This money would have been yours if it weren't for TSA."
Money talks, TSA walks.

William the Coroner said...

Of course, after the Meg Ryan routine, give the screener a tip for the handjob.

Bonus points if you can actually get bodily fluids on them

Matt G said...

#4 sadly won't work, either, even if we all stopped. That's not how government workers (on taxpayer's pay) think of it. Business does not have to be good. They don't care if they drive you out of a job; they reckon they've got theirs. Trust me; I've sadly seen that attitude among a few um, government employees. :(

Evyl Robot Michael said...

Heck, Tam! I've been saying that I'll get my hands on some Viagra and pop one about thirty minutes before my heavy pet-down.

BobG said...

Try to pass gas as they grope your lower regions.

Anonymous said...

If I need to fly, I'm considering making the sacrifice and wearing a full adult diaper. Let them stick their hands in that.

I will, of course, carry enough supplies to clean up completely in my carry-on.

Justthisguy said...

Tam, I know you're not feuding with him, but he continues not to deign to notice yer existence. I don't understand this, at all.

Tam said...

Neither do I.

Like I said, if there's a problem, I'm unaware of it.

It's a big ol' blogosphere, and I just don't find myself in that part of it very often.