Wednesday, November 02, 2011

It's official...

"Mall Ninja" has jumped the shark, attached by MOLLE fasteners, paracord braid, velcro, fastex buckles, and 100-mph tape to the tactical vest of the zombie.

If "zombie" jumped the shark when Hornady started selling Z-Max anti-zombie ammunition, then "mall ninja" jumped the shark when you could actually pick up the phone and hire you some. (Assuming you can't afford a classy outfit like Dog the Bounty Hunter's.)

Please let it be an elaborate hoax. It hits every trope, from dual-wielding to Hi-Points to fake badges; it has to be a Gecko_45 for a new decade. Right?

Which triggers a sobering thought: Kids that were in first or second grade when the original mall ninja thread happened at GlockTalk are old enough to be in college now. Or Afghanistan. Or hiring themselves out as tactical bodyguard security operator special consultant contractors in Montgomery, AL.

45 comments:

Jeffro said...

Wow. The cast of Police Academy found work at last.

Anonymous said...

The Alabama Chamber of Commerce called, they are begging you to take down that link.

Shootin' Buddy

TheAxe said...

At least they aren't in Cazador. granted Larry would probably have lots of fun with them if they were.

Anonymous said...

Those guys make me feel safe just by looking at them! obviously a crack team of former Elephant Seals...wait..I thought I said to hire Navy Seals...yes, there's a difference.

gbkeith said...

The picture with the fat girl and the less big girl has to be a joke. No job is too big or too small indeed.

Anonymous said...

So,the one on the left in the bottom picture, the pudgy one (I can't tell if its a man or a woman), is that a tattoo in the middle of the forehead?

HA! "No job too big or too small." What clever humor!

Anonymous said...

"it has to be a Gecko_45 for a new decade. Right?"

I could see an Venn diagram intersection of Counterstrike kiddies, people looking to turn their mad skillz into paying jobs in this economy along with the direction the country seems to be skidding in and end up with it being for real. Still hopeful that it's a joke, but I'm just saying.


WV "sesseco" Sessile Security Co? Now, THERE's an apt name for a bunch of food court operators.

ThoreMo

Anonymous said...

No picking on Barkley

http://mausersandmuffins.blogspot.com/2011/10/dog-bounty-hunter.html

Terry T
Florida

TotC said...

Gorram competition!!

Top of the Chain
Commander
Team Food Court 6

jetfxr69 said...

Sebastian linked these guys yesterday, then the page went down for several hours.

The change I see between then and now is....they have now spelled "tactical" correctly. Yesterday every instance of that word was "tactial".

Note that on their (intermittently working) facebook page that there are pictures of them dual-wielding lightsabers. :-)

I choose to believe it's farce.

Tam said...

jetfxr69,

"Sebastian linked these guys yesterday, then the page went down for several hours."

Yeah, it's pretty much all over the intertubes; I'm not surprised that they received a server-crushing amount of traffic.

And you know what they say: There's no such thing as bad publicity. ;)

jetfxr69 said...

I just checked, it wasn't Sebastian. Must have seen it on TheGunCounter.

Imagine what happens to them with an Insty-link.

the gripping hand said...

My favorite line from the site: "We are NOT a law enforcement."

Thank heavens....

staghounds said...

Inconvenient stores have to take care of themselves.

the pawnbroker said...

Tune in next week to cable's newest breakeout (heh) hit...

TBSOSCC 'BAMA!

Less hilarious though...what's the diff between these doofi and the ones with real badges down the road in Mayberry?

While the former might cause you to bust gut from laughing, the latter might bust a cap *in* your gut for living at a dyslexic address...

Anonymous said...

So does the ninja-mask cost you extra? Or maybe that guy is for when you need to give your neighbor with the barking dog an attitude adjustment?

jf

docjim505 said...

Jeffro - Wow. The cast of Police Academy found work at last.

LOL!

This whole thing has GOT to be a joke.

Please, please, PLEASE let it be a joke...

Bubblehead Les. said...

Are you sure you haven't posted the Pima County Sheriff's SWAT Team site by mistake?

mmasse said...

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney! Remember, that nobody screws with me.
Carey Mahoney: Well, maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that will change.

Kevin Baker said...

Les, you win the internets today!

WV: nonsold - I'm nonsold on the mallninja-for-rent idea.

Stuart the Viking said...

If I was ultra-rich, I would hire them just for the fun of seeing what they would do, assuming that this isn't just a joke (which is what I think it is).

s

WV marine... how did it know? Semper Fi word verification, Semper Fi.

og said...

Actually, it looks like the local PD.

Andrew said...

Tactical bodyguards, eh?

I think I'd rather hire strategic bodyguards, who could assure that I'm not there when bad stuff happens.

Anonymous said...

Nothing says "tactical" like "morbid obesity."

Phillip said...

Hey, you have to give them credit, at least they're bodyguards you could actually hide behind, provided you could move slow enough to keep up with them when things go south. Other companies hire those thinner bodyguards that will actually make you run if bullets fly.

Wonder if they duct taped extra steel plates to their bulletproof vests?

russell1200 said...

There are a lot of "Tactical" listings at the Alabama Secretary of States list of business entities, but I did not see one for them:

http://arc-sos.state.al.us/CGI/CORPNAME.MBR/INPUT

However, they pop up in a lot of business listings, and the alternate address listing is a real location which looks like it had foreclosure issues a while back.

instinct said...

Think you could get Say Uncle to link to them Tam?

Oh the fun that could be had :D

Craig S. Miller said...

Can you see hiring them to guard a box of doughnuts? Seriously they need to incorporate "p.t." into their business plan. I don't mean pizza time either.

Anonymous said...

Wow...

When people are forced into entrepreneurship during the Second Great Depression, I guess this is what we end up with...

Drang said...

Someone at Shooters Northwest posted a Motivator-type poster of them labeled MEAL TEAM 6.

JD said...

I want to see a cage match between this big'un and that chick on "Operation Repo" who looks like something Tam would dream about after a visit to a Frida Kahlo - Botero dual art exhibit and a plate of Hauchinango Veracruzana.

Murphy's Law said...

So Jabba the Hutt there...she's their tank, right? Obviously a physical agility test is not required for hire there.

Sport Pilot said...

Being in the SE USA adjacent to a military base and all it entails seeing the “mall ninja” private security firms first hand is not uncommon. Dealing with the after effects of some of the thing’s they’ve done is not always easy to sort out. Bar’s and Club’s with good digital recording systems produce some interesting footage of these gem’s in action. For the most part those I’ve seen were running semi-auto M-4 pattern AR’s and different variants of black pump and semi auto 12 ga. Shotguns. Yes, it’s scary.

cj said...

Hmm...viral attempt at a movie tie in maybe?

Ten years ago, a crack security unit was ridiculed on the internetz for their elite mall-defending tactics. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security ban to the Alabama underground. Today, still wanted by jealous less-elite mall defenders, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem...if no one else can help...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire...The Tactical Bodyguard & Security SVC.

Anonymous said...

Ronin: They are just waiting to take revenge on those who killed their master.

Gerry

mopar said...

This is EXACTLY what I pictured "Brierwood Eradication Services" from MHI:Alpha to look like!

Robin said...

cj's comment just needs the right theme song humming in your head when you read it.

Kevin said...

I checked out their misspelled farcebook link and up popped this beauty to the top of the tank:

http://www.zimbio.com/Wal-Mart/articles/ZGgYjbUlqaS/The+Wal+Mart+of+Spec+Ops

NYEMT said...

Is it safe to assume that the one on the left in the bottom pic is NOT in charge of "Fugitive Recovery"? Unless it's a fugitive cheeseburger, perhaps...?

(Slaps self on forehead)

I apologize. That was uncalled-for. Perhaps he or she has a glandular problem.

Out of morbid curiosity, does anyone know whether that's a "he" or a "she"?

B.S. philosopher said...

You guys laugh now. But you'll be weeping with relief when those highly trained operators kick in the stall door, dual wielded Hi-points a-blazin, as they save you and your anal virginity from the creepy Orange Julius clerk who lured you into the bathroom.


WV: prenis

BGMiller said...

First, it seems their Facebook page has vanished. Hmmm.....

Second, a Walther G22? Really?


BGM

Joe Bagodonuts said...

Stop, please, someone make them STOP! The stupid, it hurts!

d(^_^)b

El Capitan said...

Oh, the huge manatee...

I read this post early this a.m., then after work, as I'm relaxing on the front porch with a frosty beverage and a maduro stogie, I'm about 1/3 into Michael Z. Williamson's 'Better To Beg Forgiveness' when I come upon the "Deputy Fife" bit.

About the time I twig to the coincidence, I'm hacking up a cloud load of cigar smoke that got sucked down the wrong way due to an involuntary guffaw!!

I just wonder if Gunkid and his assault wheelbarrow will make an appearance later on in the tale...

Marja said...

Viral marketing for a comedy movie, or novel? And if not, maybe somebody should suggest it to them. If they need money perhaps they could sell the idea to some movie company.

Goober said...

I've never read the Gecko_45 threads before, although I've heard fo them. Tam, thanks so much for the link - I nearly choked to death on a bagel while I was reading his revelation that hsi tactical plan of action was to get shot a whole bunch of times while his team was getting their response plan in order. It occured to me that if your tactics include getting shot on purpose, even once, you've already failed.

For the life of me I couldn't figure out where this guy was coming from - what world was he living in where life at the mall was a day-in-day-out combat operation? I haven't laughed that hard in a long time, expecially when the topic of anal virginity came up. YOu made my day. Thanks.