Tuesday, August 05, 2014

You wouldn't want your takedown force unbalanced.

HPR's PR company wrote a doozy of a presser to announce the release of their new "BLACK OPS" line of ammunition. Here're my favorite lines:
"HPR designed the Black Ops as one of the most operational personal defense hollowed point rounds available on the market. The casing of the Black Ops is a polished silver color, adding to the quality with the look of performance."
What does that even mean? Their operations are the most operational because they're operationaler than yours?


Kristophr said...

Shiny ammo is more operational!

Bruce Edwards said...

And black ammo is more tacticool?

Anonymous said...

You suck, we hate you AND your doing it wrong!


Jon said...

See, they shined that ammo up because it feeds better! No more Malfs from that sticky brass dude! Plus, more opportunity to see bling in your action shots from shiny silver flying from the ejection port as your run your Mozambique drills!

High Tech!

Operator Operationally Opproved! (Yes, I intentionally misspelled approved...)

May also be useful against Werewolves and certain brands of Vampire. Because Silver!

Unless of course you realize the silver part is coming out the wrong side of the gun. Details.

Joel said...

Dear god. Tell me again why people think we're a bunch of drooling idiots?

No, wait. I've got it.

Anonymous said...

Not enough exclamation points. No BlackOp ninjas on the box.

Promotions FAIL.


Dan F. said...

You know you are the operational operator operating when...

-You go trust shooting with that dude you just met on the internet.

-Your mullet is always perfect just in case the mayor wants to thank you for what you did for his nephew at the mall that one time.

-The local Denny's named a double grand slam with triple bacon after you. You have one every day.

-Your Segway has the high performance pack and the secret turbo setting in case of a high speed chase.

-Plan A always starts with you taking multiple high calibre bullets to your body armor while you assemble your firearms.

Paul said...

-Plan A always starts with you taking multiple high calibre bullets to your body armor while you assemble your firearms.

Now that is operationally operational.

Anonymous said...

We can parse the sentences and make some sense of it, though probably not what was intended.

The ammo is DESIGNED TO BE "the most operational". That would mean that it is supposed to be reliable. It is intended to fire, and the hollowpointED bullet ("hollowpoint" is no longer enough - it has to be hollowpointED) is intended to open, i.e. operate.

The word "with" in the next sentence could be said to be redundant-- "The casing of the Black Ops is a polished silver color, adding to the quality the look of performance." Not actual performance, but the look of it. And they're not claiming that the ammo operates as designed, but that it was designed to operate.

It works in a way, and so probably without realizing it, their marketers stumbled into a somewhat coherent description which means almost nothing. -- Lyle

Keads said...

What else are you gonna run in your 4300 Hi Point?

Richard Blaine said...

Wow, you're giving that marking drivel a lot more credit than I would. It hurt my brain just reading that.

How about this:

HPR design the Black Ops to look a lot like what idiots think Seals would use. They're operators, so this must be what operational ammo looks like.
We're calling it personal defense because no professional in his right mind would touch it. It' Hollowed Point because - well hollow point. We make the case a bright reflective silver because it looks so nice in your Me and My Gun Selfies.

Scott J said...

Looks like The Onion hacked The Outdoor Wire.

Will said...

My guess is they farmed out their PR dept to some place in Asia. But they went high-end, as the Engrish isn't quite mangled as badly as usual.

Drat, had it as "famed" originally. Hmm, that might fit even better...

docjim505 said...

Was this originally written in a foreign language and (badly) translated by either a computer program or else a person with only a nodding acquaintance with the English language (like a member of Congress)?

Fred said...

Bro, do you even operate?

tailwind said...

"the most operational" is equivalent to the volume control that goes to 11 instead of merely to 10.

Ed said...

What exactly is "the look of performance"?

While I am at it, what is "improved strength, with a balanced takedown force"? How do you measure "strength" in ammunition, and to show that it is "improved" by any measure? How do you measure "takedown force", and show that it is "balanced"?

I am surprised that they did not also claim "the look of high velocity", or "the look of high muzzle energy", or "the look of maximum expansion".

Anonymous said...

Richard; I had to learn during the Clinton years that a sentence can have two or more meanings, depending on how you interpret it.

"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski."
(He's telling Monica he didn't have sex with some un named woman)

"I did not have sex with that woman." (Again; any specific, un named woman that he never had sex with)

"Monica Lewinski" (an incomplete, unrelated sentence)

Stuff like that, or;

"Our vets are not getting the healthcare they deserve"
(OK, and do you believe they deserve better, or worse, and by "our" vets, do you mean you think you and some other un named parties own them?)

See how it works? Try it. It can be entertaining, and if nothing else it will help you communicate (and by "communicate" I do not mean "lie") -- Lyle

Mike_C said...

-Plan A always starts with you taking multiple high calibre bullets to your body armor while you assemble your firearms.

"... it can get hairy fast. I'm wearing double plates in the armor in case of multiple eight millimeter rifle strikes." Do not taunt happy fun ball.

OldTExan said...

Black Operational Ammo sounds kind of like a racist bling thing for use in Chicago and I certainly hope that is not the case because that would be a bad operational, operator thing to due when conducting black operations with hallowed points. Unless you are shooting Vampires then silver cases are a requirement.

See, you just have to read between the line to discern the market this company hopes to penetrate with its operative ammo. Dudes who use this ammo are required to have black ballistic nylon underwear in order to active optimum, operational performance while avoiding unwanted premature faulty primer detonation. (String a lot of action words together that almost do or do not make sense to active the pinnacle of marketing jargon.)

OldTexan said...

Damn, I just reread that garbage I wrote above and I should always edit.

Windy Wilson said...

Anonymous at 6:29 pm, I just preface every headline and everything the news presenters say about politicians with "unsurprisingly".
"Unsurprisingly, President Obama said that the private sector was in fine shape." "Unsurprisingly, Hamas broke the cease fire."

Ken O said...

Pretty anemic loadings to boot.

roland said...

Just what I need for dominating the battlespace and truncating the kill chain while operating operationally.
If I buy this stuff I won't need to work on my shooting skillz, because magic bullets. Yay.

Ken said...

It's operatorrific!

KM said...

The cases are so slick the primers are locked in with 3 set screws.
Don't let your screws get loose.

Mike_C said...

Wow. I totally screwed up the links in prior comment. The idiot quote is by "Lizard45" from Mike Williamson's "Better to Beg Forgiveness." The "happy fun ball" was supposed to point to "Tounge (sic) of Frog" -- go ahead and Google it. I dare ya. But don't blame me if it kills brain cells.

Tam said...

Gecko45 is too operator for this stuff.

Greg Tag said...

Started reading the comments.

Spewed Dr Pepper out of my nose.

Funniest reading Ive had in several days.