Monday, October 22, 2007

It's a good start.

I cannot begin to describe the song in my heart as I read this headline:I find myself reading it aloud, just to savor the words coming off my tongue; their sound, their texture, their absolute perfection.

The article starts off with "Wild monkeys attacked a senior government official who then fell from a balcony at his home and died..." and just keeps getting better from there. I mean, really, in this case is it possible for a humorist to improve on the raw data?

I found myself wondering "What exact species of monkey is this? Are they importable? What in their evolutionary heritage compels them to attack bureaucrats, and can it be reinforced through selective breeding?" I want grant money. I want to hire LabRat from Atomic Nerds and put her in charge of the research effort. I want investors. Think of the unfulfilled market out there in politician-attacking simians! Picture a tribe of these things hooting their way across the stage in the middle of the next presidential debate... oh, please gawd let it happen.

21 comments:

BryanP said...

And, most importantly, can they be cross-bred with eagles? Or vultures. Vultures would do.

Fly my pretties, fly!

Don Gwinn said...

My GAWD. It's beautiful.
I can see it all, here inside my mind, and it's beautiful.

Jay G said...

Thanks a LOT, Tam...

Did you know that hot coffee HURTS when expelled out of one's nasal passages at high velocity?

Saw this story earlier. Meant to say something, too.

Glad I didn't, 'cuz you do snark better. :)

Who is..... Carteach0? said...

BWAHAhahaha....

Thanks, You made my morning!

Roberta X said...

Oh, Oh.Em.Gee! That's...splendid. Marvelous commentary on a truly wonderous event! (I can barely catch my breath from laughing)

Oh, if only.... The mental image is priceless!

BobG said...

Libertarian macaques?

Mr. Fixit said...

When you get ready for investors, let me know! I'm so in on something like that.

Weer'd Beard said...

Also what's nice is the officials that are packing guns (and likely supporters of the 2nd Amendment...or bald face hipocrites who'll have to now face the music) will likely be able to fend off the monkies.

It could work VERY well for us!

phlegmfatale said...

I pledge to sponsor the import of 2 monkeys. Just say when.

treefroggy said...

Yes, but were they flying monkeys, and where was Hillary at the time ?

DirtCrashr said...

Rhesus macaques rock! They're nasty and tough little critters.
Hindus treat monkeys with the same devotional respect as Ecoweenies treat the CA harbor seals that infest the wharves of San Frandisco.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't work on Dub'ya, they'd naturally perceive him to be one of their own.

LabRat said...

Oh my god, rhesus monkeys.

They've been favored lab animals for the last seventy years or so and now they're out for REVENGE, starting with the country that claimed to worship them!

(Seriously, those guys are utter little bastards. There's a reason lab employees that handle monkeys get paid disproportionately well.)

jesperskibbey said...

It was no accident, it was a training exercise. The CIA trained those monkeys. They are due to be shipped to Tehran later this week, as part of the Global War on Terror.

Ben said...

My oh my. All that comes into my mind now is James Gregory in the 2nd Planet of the Apes flick remarking that the only good human is a dead human while stirring up his army for combat.

Mark said...

Matt G had the perfect comment over on LawDog's blog about this. just a warning though Class Alpha Squared Beverage Alert

Anonymous said...

Not that I don't adore and venerate all elected or hired public servants of the people and the Constitution, and wish them long, happy, and profitable lives, but I wonder if this could be bread into squirrels or pigeons?

Plus, this seals the debate for me: Monkeys should have the same legal rights as humans.

Go ape!

Ian Argent said...

On a more serious note - my indian co-worker was thoroughly unsurprised, and proceeded to regale me with the tale of his grandmother's kitchen being raided by an organized gang of monkeys.

(He suspected there might have been some inebriation on the part of the .gov official, however).

DirtCrashr said...

Hanuman is a pretty cool God-character who fights Evil, face-changing deamons, so the Monkeys got one right.

Tam said...

"Hanuman is a pretty cool God-character who fights Evil, face-changing deamons"

What you're saying is that Giuliani had better carry monkey repellent, then?

DirtCrashr said...

Hanuman is a Dude-of-a-God, he kills the shadow-eater rakshasas, he fixed Arjuna's chariot in the Mahabarata, he ctymcfould build Hot Rods - he's like is the Hindu Captain Pandava, or Sgt. Rock - and would kick Giuliani's ass back across Adam’s Bridge to Lanka.