Sunday, October 14, 2007

Rare, please...

I just returned from dinner at the Chop House with a friend. While there, our server expressed concern that I make sure my steak wasn't "too rare". After I parsed what those words signified, I assured her that such a condition was unlikely, and indeed, my filet was just right.

I did, however, come up with a fantastic new restaurant idea: I call it "Adventure Dining".

Picture this: You enter the steakhouse and pay $2,000 and sign the waiver form. You're then directed to the changing rooms where you strip from street clothes into a loincloth (provided gratis, of course; this is a classy establishment). The hostess then gives you a lasso and a Ka-Bar, and your steak is turned loose to charge freely up and down the aisles. You lasso it, bring it down, slit its throat, carve dinner free from the part that interests you, howl to the moon in bloody triumph to the cheers of your fellow diners (or at least the ones that weren't trampled by your free range prime rib) and then eat. Or take your meal to the grill, if you're some kind of wimp.

People would line up for the chance of getting trampled or gored trying to lasso dinner! Of course, we'd probably need to build the place in some godforsaken country that ends in "-stan" and has sketchy liability laws with plenty of loopholes, but still! This would be the must eat dining experience of the decade! It makes poisonous Japanese blowfish look like Cream O' Wheat by comparison!

Interested investors may email me at their leisure.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, Meet the meat.

A bit like Milliway's, without the depressing conversation.

TheSev

LabRat said...

You could form alliances with other parties to hunt it collectively- less meat, but more efficient killing and less risk of injury.

Where's my atlatl?

Tam said...

I'm thinking that for entertainment we could have athletic young lads and lasses vaulting dinner in Cretan costume a la King Minos.

comatus said...

And, it's halal, so you won't be offending anyone!
(See how I harshed that buzz?)

Anonymous said...

You could always open it in Spain -- a county where "liability" is a suggestion and trampling/gorirng by bovines is a time-honored tradition!

B&N said...

I dunno. Sounds similar to hunting the Black Death around Africa's southern cape. Read too many encounters with the beasty dropping within a couple of paces of the shooter and WAY too many that actually made contact. I'm sure you have as well.

Kill and grill it and feast on the beast, all within a couple of hours. Not for the faint of heart to be sure. To each their own, I suppose, but I'll stick with trekking for high plains antelope and Dall sheep as my ultimate trophies.

Gee, for a minute, one might get the idea that you're an adrenaline junky. Wait, how many times did you lay down the bike?

Stingray said...

I'm liking the theme nights. Paul the Samurai vs. Man Eating Cow comes to mind, or maybe MacGuyver Night, with duct tape, swiss army knife, and bubblegum. Or vary up the weapon alotments. How 'bout TSA night, where you can use anything from a grab bag of stuff taken by high school dropouts in charge of airport security?

What number do I call for reservations?

Anonymous said...

MacGuyver, for a guy who hated guns, seemed to violate numerous laws regarding explosives.

James said...

I recommend Argentina, thataway you'll have access to a lot of cattle.

Tam said...

b&n,

I'm figuring the restaurant would have to maintain a 2%-5% mortality rate for diners or else risk losing its cachet.

Ben said...

A bit like Del's Char Palace with attitude...

Okay, I'm in.

armednharmless said...

This might be very entertaining to watch, but a steak cut from an adrenalin soaked steer would be similar to devouring a pair of Danner boots.

I prefer my beef properly aged thanks.

Anonymous said...

Aging beef is over-rated. Beef, quite like sushi, tastes best when its fresh.

A steak, cooked medium rare. while still quivering is the bee's knees.

Add a Ruination and I'm happy.

No, I'm not Tam. Tam likes her steaks rare!

armednharmless said...

Probably a minor point, but speaking from experience, roping even a smallish steer without a horse,saddle,or similar solid object to dally the rope to is a quarantee of a landlocked version of a "Nantucket Sleighride". Although this would add to the entertainment value.

Dion said...

Would you be allowed to wear shoes?

B&N said...

"I'm figuring the restaurant would have to maintain a 2%-5% mortality rate for diners or else risk losing its cachet."

The occasional loss by a contestant would definitely keep the show lively.

BryanP said...

All together now, classic punchline #342

"Sometimes, Senor, the bull wins."

Rustmeister said...

Nice idea, but getting to the tenderloin would be a pain in the butt.

Anonymous said...

That reminds me of when I went to Vietnam a couple of years ago. You could fire a full auto AK or AR for about $5. The cool thing is, for $400, they would let you fire an RPG or M203 grenade launcher at, get this, a cow. You got half your money back if you missed.

Brass

JeanC said...

I'm still trying to grasp the concept of "too rare". No such thing :D

phlegmfatale said...

Well, I've always heard that hunting is not truly sporting unless the prey has an equal chance of coming away with the human's head as a trophy. That said, I'm all for the raw&wriggling school of beef preparation. How else can you be sure no brainy mad-cow bits get into the mix?

David said...

If your steak is still mooing, it's too rare. As long as you don't need the fork to keep it on the plate it's done enough.

As a youngster I did a lot of antelope hunting with Dad and Grandpa. When Grandpa's brother saw us coming back up the road he would fire up the grill so that right after skinning and hanging the critters in his nice cool storm cellar we could have fresh backstrap for lunch. Yummy!

Dave said...

Your restaurant idea sounds like my idea for a real survivor television show. Drop 20 people armed with nothing but the clothes on their backs on an island that has hundreds of remote operated video cameras hidden all over the place.

tell them we will be back in three weeks, whoever meets us right here on the beach - wins.

TBeck said...

It sounds like a slightly more primal version of the Restaurant At the End of the Universe.

But what if I feel like having pig? Is there a 400 lb. tusker they can set loose?

Gregg said...

400lbs??

What about a nice 700+ lb Russian mountain boar? THough that might be a bit hard on the diners.

Tam, I think $2k is a bit on the low end for good profitability. $3k should be about right since last I checked cattle were running about $1200 a head, and I last checked a few years ago.

Personally, I have never tasted any beef to compare to a good dry aged steak grilled medium rare. OTOH, my ancestors came from places that you needed a constant fire to dry things out.

Kirk said...

Dennis Leary beat you too the idea in his no cure for cancer CD.

Pick it up, its pretty damn funny especially when he goes off on REM...