Monday, November 12, 2007

Tacti-what?

My credulity began to wear thin when flashlights became "tactical". Little did I know, but that was just the tip of the camel's nose over the dam. In short order you could clad your feet in tactical boots, wrap your legs in tactical trousers, and have your naughty bits kept at optimum fighting temperature by the insulating and moisture-wicking properties of tactical underwear. Your pocket knife, of course, had to be tactical so that you could access it to engage in rapid letter/envelope extraction ops and your tote bag needed to ooze tacticality so you could use it to deploy Nalgene bottles on tactical re-hydration efforts.

This still left an enormous gap in your lifestyle, however. What about when you were just chilling in the back yard with your friends? Maybe you were slipping into Condition White as the serenity of a summer's evening on the porch in good company lulls you into a false sense of security? No more!

Now you can engage in anterior dwelling lawn protein-patty incendiary attacks with the new Tactical Apron! The ACU digital camouflage allows you to blend in seamlessly with the rhododendron bushes as you infiltrate the elevated wooden cooking platform and the Tactical Spatula Sheath will keep your protein-patty manipulation tool positioned for a speedy, fumble free draw when seconds count! Carbonated Alcohol Resupply ops are reduced with the addition of the Tactical Beer Shingle, which allows you to hump enough supplies to stay in the field three times as long before exfilling to the beverage cooling depot.

How did you live without this stuff?

29 comments:

Squeaky Wheel said...

Hahahahhaha...

Bob@thenest said...

I anxiously await the Tactical Toothbrush. I expect it to have full auto dispensing of toothpaste and a floss hider incorporated in the basic model. Not sure if I'll go for the added cost of the pistol grip option and rails for a flashlight & mirror, but I'll consider each when I place my order.

Anonymous said...

What, no Magpuls for the seasoning 'n spice containers??

comatus said...

bob: I had one! It was made in Israel. Take from that what you will...

I really couldn't accept that after the unpleasantness in Chad, wherein Toyota pickups with MG mounts were universally known as "tacticals," some auto-industry marketing lad didn't chrome the logo and christen a model line-up.

triticale said...

In short order you could ... have your naughty bits kept at optimum fighting temperature by the insulating and moisture-wicking properties of tactical underwear.

At least this puts the lie to the silly notion that leaving one's gear unsecured is "going commando".

skywriter said...

I just thank god for the 3-G Playtex Tactical bra. How did I ever do aerobatics without it?

Tam said...

Heh. I was thinking as I was writing this that there's at least one vacant niche in the tactical clothing market. I just need to work on an advertising gimmick. :D

Les Jones said...

Don't forget your Hogue tactical toilet seat.

Thomas Smith said...

Oh....My...God....
It could be worse though. Midway is carrying Counter Sniper brand scopes.

http://www.midwayusa.com/ebrowse.exe/brandlisting?brandid=2473

http://darkopsholdings.com/

Their website used to be a long string of paramilitary crap, but somebody must have told them the shooting community isn't so stupid as all of that because a great deal of gibberish has vanished.

Breda said...

TACTICAL BRA - scroll down a bit, on the right.<

Tam said...

Sigh.

Day late and a dollar short.

My idea was hung up on how to incorporate fastex buckles as comfortably as possible.

Roberta X said...

Okay, where's the guy tattooed allover camo, then? That's really the only thing left and Ugol's Law suggests it's probably already been done.

Tam said...

Tactitatts?

Hm. Has a ring to it...

Anonymous said...

I can see this as a nice Christmas Present to your favorite Deployed Person.
You DON'T have a favorite deployed person? Then get off your duff and make a friend over there!

Mattexian said...

Ya know, that ACU beer shingle would go nice on my ranger rack... ;)

BobG said...

And don't forget these or these.

OA said...

"...and have your naughty bits kept at optimum fighting temperature..."

Odd, you don't look Italian...

TBeck said...

The apron needs a SERPA lock for the spatula and a kydex sheath for the meat fork.

TBeck said...

"TACTICAL BRA - scroll down a bit, on the right."

The challenge of fitting a trauma plate into a Cross Your Heart still remains unmet, however.

comatus said...

"eliminates chafing, ensuring comfort through intense action."

What about action outside the tents?

Not to worry about Breda. Her whole body is one tactical plate.

Stephen said...

You are just too damn good girl.

Anonymous said...

Cry havoc and let slip the
hotdogs of war!!

Tam, I really needed that laugh.
Thanks

Hemlock

Stingray said...

I'm not low-speed/high-drag. I'm differently tactical.

phlegmfatale said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Breda said...

Comatus - that would be "tactile"

comatus said...

Breda - My post has been removed by the author.

Jeffro said...

I haven't seen any tactical toilet paper at WallyWorld yet, but I'm hoping.

comatus said...

jeffro, well don't hold your...no, I'll start over.

T.P. is real world tactical. They had OD TP in WWII. Any Ranger will tell you (whether you want to hear it or not) that a Ranger is issued one pane, with a hole in the middle. Make sure you ask why.

But--(get it?) a roll of plain white belongs in every hunter's possibles bag. It's biodegradable tree marker for tracking a bow-shot deer. They ought to make it in orange.

larry weeks said...

Tam, heard about you at GBRII and have been reading lately. Tactical Flashlights are the ones with the jagged front, which is called a Pain Compliance Device. And the kids all love UnderArmor to wear under their sports gear. Of course it the moisture wicking underwear has become outerwear with a cool logo. Actually Tactical has just become a PC way to say, "the stuff used by folks who kill bad people and blow up shit."