Tacti-what?

My credulity began to wear thin when flashlights became "tactical". Little did I know, but that was just the tip of the camel's nose over the dam. In short order you could clad your feet in tactical boots, wrap your legs in tactical trousers, and have your naughty bits kept at optimum fighting temperature by the insulating and moisture-wicking properties of tactical underwear. Your pocket knife, of course, had to be tactical so that you could access it to engage in rapid letter/envelope extraction ops and your tote bag needed to ooze tacticality so you could use it to deploy Nalgene bottles on tactical re-hydration efforts.

This still left an enormous gap in your lifestyle, however. What about when you were just chilling in the back yard with your friends? Maybe you were slipping into Condition White as the serenity of a summer's evening on the porch in good company lulls you into a false sense of security? No more!

Now you can engage in anterior dwelling lawn protein-patty incendiary attacks with the new Tactical Apron! The ACU digital camouflage allows you to blend in seamlessly with the rhododendron bushes as you infiltrate the elevated wooden cooking platform and the Tactical Spatula Sheath will keep your protein-patty manipulation tool positioned for a speedy, fumble free draw when seconds count! Carbonated Alcohol Resupply ops are reduced with the addition of the Tactical Beer Shingle, which allows you to hump enough supplies to stay in the field three times as long before exfilling to the beverage cooling depot.

How did you live without this stuff?