Wednesday, April 21, 2010

We gave at the office.

Yesterday morning, after roomie had left for work, I was slaving away over a hot keyboard when there came a tap-tap-tapping at the front door of Roseholme Cottage. We weren't expecting anybody that I was aware of, so I went to check it out.

Dressed in my stylish early-morning ensemble of sweatpants and tee-shirt, I padded to the front door in my stocking feet, scooping up a S&W .44 from my purse on the way. Peeking through the window in the top of the door showed some chick I didn't know from Adam's housecat standing on the porch. I cracked the door open and peered around it.


"Hi! I'm Something Perky That Ends In An 'i' With A Heart For A Dot! We're doing a neighborhood walk, in association with the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department, offering your neighbors..." *holds up key fob looking thing* "...these personal alarm devices! Would you like to join your neighbors in taking advantage of this offer?"

I glance over at my hand, still hidden behind the door.

"No, I'm good, thanks."

"Oh, okay! Have a nice day!"


Anonymous said...

See that's the difference between a woman and man, a man would have whiiped it into sight and said: my alarm device is waay louder than yours!

jesperskibbey said...

S&W .44 = pepper spray alternative.

Joanna said...

I LOL'd and LOL'd.

I'd take a personal alarm device if it played the Dudley Dooright theme at 150 decibels.

fast richard said...


If the situation is alarming enough to pull out a squeeky key fob, that .44 will be louder even if you don't have to pull the trigger.

Anonymous said...

As personal alarm devices, it's hard to beat a .44 on a keychain, and I think you can even get one with a little know, to see the lock better or zero your aim. A little bulky hanging from the car ignition, though.

Something Perky That Ends In An i With a Heart For A Dot! would have likely become Something Screaming That Runs From The Porch With Poopy Drawers! if she'da seen your keychain thingie, though.

Nice laugh to start the day...thanks, Tam.


Anonymous said...

I'm sure your personal alarm device has a crisper break and quicker reset.

Too Funny!


Jay G said...

Heh. Thanks for the laff, Tam.

I had an analogous experience way back in my apartment dweller days involving, ironically enough, a Taurus .44 Spl.

They weren't trying to sell me a personal safety device, though. More like recreational pharmaceuticals...

Wolfwood said...

Is it bad that when I read "scooping up a S&W .44 from my purse on the way" it didn't seem unreasonable to me that you might have more than one in there?

Rob K said...

If it was free, I'd have taken one. You could have some good fun with that.

WV: bripple

No joke. It's really bripple. That's a bit creepy.

Tam said...

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

TJP said...

You should have taken it. You already paid for it with your taxes, after all.

Oleg Volk said...

Bradley said...

I like your alarm a lot better then the one she was pushing. Nothing really says no as forcefully as a few rounds of 44 to the center of mass.

Anonymous said...

Tam (or my wifey) on one of those dumbass alarm company commercials:





Ma'am is everything okay?

Sumdood busted in my door.

I'm sending help right away!


Eh, tell 'em take their time.

Ma'am? What was that noise?

Uh, better tell 'em send a meat wagon too...


Anonymous said...

Actual sequence of events may vary ;)


staghounds said...

No, Oleg- it's a .44 Smith and Wesson KEYCHAIN personal alarm!

Geodkyt said...

A .44 as a personal protection alarm device. . .

Definately stings worse than civilian grade pepper spray if it gets in the eyes. Also stings just as much (or more) if it lands ANYWHERE on Sumdood. CHECK.

Leaves a durable, obvious mark on Sumdood if it hits -- more obvious and durable than the visible purple or UV visible ink additives in some pepper spray products. CHECK.

Provides a credible deterrent in case you aren't faced with Sumdood, but his wiley cousins Desedoods and Twodoods. One gets the fun, the other gets to run. CHECK.

Provides a loud an unmistakeable warning sound that citizens already know they should call police if they hear it in tehir neighborhood. Well, yes and no. . . depends on teh neighborhood. But odds are, they are more likely to call than if your personal car-alarm goes off. . . CHECK.


WV: foriver "When Sumdood broke into Tam's house, he caught a .44 slug in the eye and was marked for easy identification foriver."

Crucis said...

Man, a waste of your time to answer the door, a waste of our tax dollars paying for that trash, and a definite waste of oxygen.

staghounds said...

It even works if you meet up with the most devastating and elusive threat, the one that leads the entire Dood family astray.

That's right- THE WRONG CROWD.

reflectoscope said...

The poor dear, I wonder if that sucking brain wound (you heard that here first) of hers will heal.


TW said...

If someone uses a screechy personal alarm in proximity to me, and and it scares me into being afraid of ALL personal alarms, may I complain vociferously that these alarms should be banned before they scare others?

If this has offended you, please let me know so I may be offended by you.

Proud member of POOP
People Offended by Offended People

Shane said...

I'd think about asking what caliber they came in but it probably would have whiffed right past her without mussing a single stand of hair.

markm said...

Anonymous 12:45 PM, April 21, 2010: That's how you get the cops to hurry. Unless you're lucky enough to live in one of the remaining pockets of true America.