Saturday, August 04, 2012

Four Year Itch

So, like happens every four years or so, Americans are gaga about gymnastics. It's going to be a long spell this time around, too, because our current soon-to-be-on-a-Wheaties-box kid is cuter than a sackful of Mary Lou Rettons and has a telegenic "Aw, shucks, just happy to be here!" manner that no doubt has marketing types clutching their pillows in sweaty dreams, visions of sponsorship deals dancing in their heads.

Look on the bright side of things: no matter how goofy we get over gymnastics this time around, nobody is going to make a movie where she plays a secret agent recruited to use her gymnastics-based martial arts skills* to wipe out a Third World dictator's kung fu army. (Please God I hope not, at least.)

*Gymnast Kurt Thomas was an obvious choice to play the hero in the cheesiest '80s action movie that wasn't Megaforce**: He developed a gymnastics move so badass that it's banned for being too dangerous! It is forbidden! Like the Lambada*** of gymnastics moves!

**Boy, a back-to-back screening of Megaforce and Gymkata would make for a great rainy day weekend of godawful '80s Velveeta, wouldn't it? Maybe with Iron Eagle if you had any popcorn left over... 

***Speaking of '80s Velveeta...
.

28 comments:

DanH said...

OK I have to admit I spent years wishing I had one of those Megaforce motorcycles with rockets on the handlebars.

Scott J said...

I can't complain if it gets the texting, game console generation off the couch.

treefroggy said...

Hey !!! Iron Eagle III had some great shots of a P-38 in action.

Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

Footnotes with footnotes, I love it :)

mikee said...

Don't forget Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone from 1983, which along with cheesiness rivaling the best (stale) Velveeta has the advantage of being in glorious 80's 3D!

Quote from the movie: "Undress that one!... Slowly!" in 3D!

No real gymnastics, unfortunately.

Dean Carder said...

I rarely watch the events. But comning from the point of veiw of a big ol' fella that used to run, lift and do arobics, I have to marvel at the strength those tiny gymnast have. Of course they don't weigh as much as my breakfast but still, lifting your own bidy weight is something twisting, flipping, flying and leaping woith your bossy weight is a whole 'nother universe of strength.

montieth said...

You have to top Megaforce and Gymkata off with Big Trouble in Little China...

Tam said...

Yes, but Gymkata and Megaforce were being serious, which is what makes them so awesome.

Kristopher said...

The Japanese even had that turtle Gamera doing Gymkata ....

A movie that will go down in MST3K history ...

instinct said...

You should also add in "The Last Dragon", but that much cheese would have your pipes backed up for a week, if you know what I mean.

Tim Ellwood said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3n6oi0tUZ0&feature=youtu.be

Get you "ace hunter picture, signed, here
Wow, I think I am going to have to give some money,

Bubblehead Les. said...

Hope you never had to suffer through LaserBlast.

Joseph said...

What's sad is I knew exactly what movie you were referring to, even before you named Kurt Thomas or the movie....

Tim Ellwood said...

How about "Corvette Summer" with Mark Hamil?

Anonymous said...

ZOMG!!! I had forgotten all about those lemons...and I LIKE Velveeta (the cheese, not the movies). Now I have to get another gallon of brain bleach...

Hairy Horseknuckle

Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

Starcrash: The Adventures of Stella Star.

I'm convinced that the only way they got Christopher Plummer to cameo in this stinker was to wave huge wads of cash at him from behind the camera.

Brain bleach, indeed.

Sebastian said...

I haven't seen Megaforce in years. I do seem to recall I tortured Bitter with Solarbabies at one point. Or maybe that was someone else.

anceldelambert said...

You mean there won't be a RL Kim Possible movie? Dawwww.

Joe in PNG said...

The real tragic thing is that neither movie got a porper MST 3K treatment.

Jerry said...

The first two, yeah, but that lambada one? That's fromunda cheese.

Anonymous said...

'80s cheese? how about "flash gordon"? the best cheese evah! or "night of the comet"? "daddy would have gotten us uzis."!

Angus McThag said...

FLASH! AHHHHHAH!

shovelDriver said...

Wait a minute . . .

"The move is effectively banned for women as it was removed from the Code of Points following several serious accidents, most notably the paralysis of Elena Mukhina in 1980. It remains an allowed skill for men as of 2008."

Is there some physical difference making women more susceptible to damage?

Or perhaps they're just considered "more valuable"?

( I started out in snark mode, but now I think this should be a serious question. Given the quest for equality and alll . . .)

Tam said...

shovelDriver,

"Is there some physical difference making women more susceptible to damage?

Or perhaps they're just considered "more valuable"?
"

1) Perhaps the governing bodies for women's and men's floor routines differ?

B) Perhaps men are, pound-for-pound and on average, stronger in such a fashion such that they are less likely to injure themselves in this particular routine?

iii) Perhaps you need to stop looking for the feminazi conspiracy behind every (as it were) bush?

Scott J said...

An addition to the 80's cheese sci fi fest: "Ice Pirates".

David said...

Last Dragon? How can you possibly hate a romantic comedy karate musical?

RabidAlien said...

MegaForce!!!! Awesome....I remember bits and pieces of that movie, but nobody's been able to tell me the name of it (caught it on TV or something, never caught the title)...or was never willing to admit knowing. LOL

Cheeseflick: "Neverending Story".

Justthisguy said...

I don't care to watch scrawny 14-year-old girls cavort in public. I mind the time I was watching that cable sports channel, I forget its name, when it was showing FL State female gymnasts vs. some other gals. Now, those gals looked like healthy grownup women, and I got somewhat interested in looking at them, both for their skillz, and their looks.