...a long long long long long time ago, some people were sitting around outside of a cave one evening. Probably H. erectus or H. ergaster, they likely weren't composing any sonnets, but they were chilling out however it was they did back then of a Saturday night, when all of a sudden...
...lightning hit a nearby tree. And all of the early people gathered around and marveled at the fire, and began thinking of all the cool things they could do with it, like cook steak and invent cigarettes, except for one pair of hominids who ran hooting into the cave in terror of the fire.
They had babies, too, and Bobbi found a TIME article written by one of their great^1000 grandchildren.
It deserves a proper fisking, and I mean to give it one, but feel free to go marvel in its puling, craven rabbit-souled ignorance while I finish getting a mad on over here.