Saturday, March 08, 2008

I didn't do it, I didn't mean to do it, and I'll never do it again...

So, after getting caught with its hand in the cookie jar, the FBI offered up a flurry of explanations that would be familiar to the parent of any grade-schooler. Let's parse them, shall we?
The breach occurred before the FBI enacted broad new reforms in March 2007 to prevent future lapses, FBI Director Robert Mueller said.
Translation: We're big kids now and we don't do that any more. That was back when we were just little kids.
And it was caused, in part, by banks, telecommunication companies and other private businesses giving the FBI more personal client data than was requested.
Plus, it was the other kids' fault, too. Everyone was doing it. We didn't really want to; they made us.
The new audit, which examines use of national security letters issued in 2006, "will identify issues similar to those in the report issued last March," Mueller told senators. The privacy abuse "predates the reforms we now have in place," he said.

"We are committed to ensuring that we not only get this right, but maintain the vital trust of the American people,"
...and we'll never do it again. Honest!

(Hey, Mueller, you can only "maintain" what you actually have. The word you were looking for is "regain". Honest.)


Earl said...

Pause-ible denial, anyone?

Anonymous said...

What has the FBI done lately? Hoover was a monster. They wiretapped Martin Luther King, then his wife after he was gone. They missed the fall of the Berlin Wall. They burned the Davidians. They missed arabs learning to fly. They haven't done squat in the WOT besides increase their budget. Now they can't seem to wiretap without breaking the law.

Why do we have these people again?

Anonymous said...

No I think he may have used the term maintain correctly. We can trust that they have us by the vitals, especially if they can tell the media that we're the criminals. This works because the media reposts without checking their facts or figures, and just making the small type to small to be seen on anything but the largest HD TVs. You know that's what some of us spent all our hard whined dollars on.


ColtCCO said...

Perfectly analyzed. It wasn't us, it was that other guy, and we were somewhere else when we did it, and anyway, no one saw it.

Rob said...

I love your interpretation! Spot on translation I would say.