Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Proof that the goofy "what gun are you?" meme that is making the rounds is complete and utter bovine exhaust:

I am a: Walther, Model PPK in .380 auto
Firearms Training
What kind of handgun are YOU?

I wouldn't use ground-up PPK's to line my cat's litter box.

Plus, the quiz is hosted by the site for Iggy Piazza's gun camp. When you finish the quiz, there's another quiz where the Four Weapon Combat Master himself promises you a FREE GIFT (like maybe an e-meter or a prayer hankie, or the title to a half acre of desert scrub and a super triple platinum eternal lifetime gun camp membership) if you answer half of the questions correctly. The tone is set by the first question:
1) Which of the following handguns would you consider the best for general self defense?
Single Action Revolver, example: Colt Peacemaker
Double Action Revolver, example: Smith and Wesson Model 29
Double Action Semi-auto, example: Beretta 92F
Single Action Semi-auto, example: Colt 1911
Safe Action Semi-Auto, example: Glock
Action Adventure Hero Auto, example: UFP2000
...as though there's a "correct" answer other than "the gun I shoot the best and am most comfortable with carrying."

Another good one was:
8) What handgun would you recommend for a woman who wants to protect herself?
Pocket pistol
Small revolver
Single action semi-auto
Double action semi-auto
Safe action semi-auto
Oddly enough, 'let the li'l darlin' pick out what she can shoot best' was not an option. Oh, crap! I'm a woman who wants to protect herself! Maybe I've been carrying the wrong gun all along. I sure hope not.

My favorite, however, was question number nine:
9) What do you feel is the best handgun caliber for general self defense?
.45 ACP
.40 S&W
.357 magnum
.38 Special
I had no idea that there was a definitive answer to this question. Just think of the on-line arguments I could win if I knew the right answer to the "Bestest Caliber" question! I'd better submit my answers so I can get the correct ones from the horse's... er, mouth. I hurriedly tick off a random answer to #10 and then try to see how my (and I quote) "Weapons and Tactics Knowledge Stacks Up Against Front Sight Firearms Training Institute's Founder and Director, Four Weapons Combat Master, Dr. Ignatius Piazza". Mouse hand all a-tremble, I click the "view results" button and...

...get taken to a page where Dr. Piazza, DC, FWCM, ETC, wants my email address. Just so he can grade my paper, you know.

Fat chance, pal.


staghounds said...

It says I'm a P7.

I don't even OWN a 9mm.

Unless you count the Glisenti.

Drang said...

My sources say that there are only four possible pistols that everybody is: Glock 22, H&K P7, PPK, or Beretta Tomcat i9n .32 ACP!
So, yeah, it's a crock, but it's a crock endorsed by Tom Cruise...

Aaron said...

I got the ****ing Glock 22. What a crock. Not only do I have reservations about .40 as a round (it's a preference thing), I can't stand and will never own a Glock.

Not that there's anything wrong with 'em...

Tam said...

There's also a Colt 1911, but I said I'd rather drive a four-door sedan than a pickup truck...

BryanP said...

Yeah, I tried that stupid thing. The questions were quite silly. Would you prefer a hamburger or sushi for lunch? Hmm. I like both, thanks. Depends on my mood. Not that I think either choice tells you anything about my self defense needs. I guess I don't fit your little meme Mr. Pizza.


Anonymous said...

well, i tried every bubba answer thinkin' maybe i'd be a big ol' cowboy colt .45, but i guess i f'd up when i chose the damn ferrari (thinkin' i could sell that sucker and get me 6 or 7 jacked up f250's),
and the sombitch made me a damn hk p7...an' i hate them overweight slabs...hmm, maybe i've got deep-rooted self-loathing issues i didn't know about...jtc

Anonymous said...

Tam - As the proud new owner of a PPK, I'll bite, what do you hate about them?

Words Twice said...

"Don't worry, your information is safe with us."

I'm a P7. Whatever.

Anonymous said...

Wow, P7 here. Is it all about class consciousness or what? Most of those questions I found myself saying (option c, none of the above). People have suggested Frnt Sight training courses, but I think I will just go to my local trainer thanks.

Anonymous said...

This question
15. Who would you rather be stranded on an island with?
Martha Stewart
Paris Hilton
reminded me of when Johnny Carson asked Buddy Hackett who he would want to be stranded on an island with. Buddy replied, "Bella Abzug".

Johnny looked properly horrified. "Why?"

Buddy smiled and said, "So I can have meat for the first month."

Given the choices above, I'd probably channel Buddy if I was stranded with either of them.

Anonymous said...

Oddly enough, 'let the li'l darlin' pick out what she can shoot best' was not an option.

I gave 'em my throwaway email addy (why not? I'm getting ready to burn it anyway) so I could see the answers.

The answer to that one begins, "Answer to Question #8: This is a trick question for all you macho male chauvinists who feel a woman can’t handle a full-sized semi-auto handgun and need to be relegated to a “Lady Smith” revolver, or .25 Auto pocket pistol...."

The conclusion is that both male and female beginners do best starting out with a Glock.

Now you know. ;)

NotClauswitz said...

I've come to the conclusion that his shtick is buttered in SPAM.

Anonymous said...

aaron sez-"I got the ****ing Glock 22. What a crock. Not only do I have reservations about .40 as a round (it's a preference thing), I can't stand and will never own a Glock.

Not that there's anything wrong with 'em..."

what he said......

Anonymous said...

What he said. Grock? Preeze.
Don't read Peterson publishing mags. Who is Piazza? CEO of Grock? Or handguns consultant for Guns & Ammo? Veteran of two years on the mean streets of Kennebunk Port?
Oh and yeah, who's Hillary Swank?

Sebastian said...

I'm the same

Anonymous said...

whew. i thought i was the only PPK.


phlegmfatale said...

Oh, the humanity!
It MADE me choose between Paris Hilton and Martha Stewart. I tried to get results without choosing between those two. I closed my eyes and thought of England. Sheesh.

Carteach said...

Tam, Someplace around here I have a certificate for a few days, or a week, of 'training' at that place.
You want it, it's yours.
I have no use for it, not having a wood burning stove anymore.

Dr. StrangeGun said...

the missing question:

What caliber for Thetans?

Anonymous said...

The best caliber is always the one you are most used to and comfortable with. Hardly an original insight but true none the less.

I carry, when I do, a .380 auto because it’s small enough to slip into a jacket pocket and I have put enough rounds through it that I think I know where they are likely to wind up if I pull the trigger.

I have other, more ‘gunny’ options, but the use of a smaller weapon means I am more likely to actually carry it. And that could make all the difference.

dave said...

Between Martha and Paris, I'd choose my gun, two rounds of ammo, and a broken disconnector. Just to be sure.

Anonymous said...

I got P-7, I don't even like H&K that much. I really carry a Taurus CIA in my front pocket, an option not even listed in the quiz. That place reeks of Bob Kwon Do with guns.

Anonymous said...

You know, it would have been more fun to ask only pointless and off topic questions, then use a random number generator and really off the wall guns

You are a 3mm Kolibri.

You are a 20mm Solothurn anti tank rifle.

You are a backstreet Turkish knockoff of a broomhandle Mauser.

You are a Superbowl Stadium t-shirt launcher.

You are a reproduction Delisle carbine with a fake suppressor.

J.R.Shirley said...

Hm. I got PPK, too.

I closed my eyes and thought of England." God, you are my hero!

Mark said...

It says I'm a 1911A1, and while yes I own won it's not my carry piece, that is my old Taurus model 62 which I carried for 10 years doing security. It what I'm most comfortable with and with 2 speedloaders and 3 speed strips I can carry enough.

Zendo Deb said...

When someone wants an email address use http://mailinator.com/

I generally use one of the aliases since too many websites are on to them these days.

Oh, and the "correct" answer to every question is the GLOCK.

Anonymous said...

It thinks I am a Glock P22 in .40 cal. I can live with the .40, but I'd rather be a Sig P239.


Anonymous said...

What the heck is an "Action Adventure Hero Auto, example: UFP2000?"

Anonymous said...

That SOB called me a Glock 22
Them's fightin' words!

I own one glock - out of pity - and when the guy gets back on his financial feet I will gladly pay the transfer fee to give it back to him.

Give a newby a friggin glock... I wonder why the amount of self inflicted ass ventilations went on a steep increase when they were introduced to the local boyz in blue.

NotClauswitz said...

Best caliber for Thetans starts with a Theta-Theta of course, next up is a Theta-Ought-Six...

Assrot said...

Yeah I made the mistake of giving him one of my email addresses and got spammed to death by Frontsight from then until I closed the email account.

I am told that Frontsight and most of its instructors and training are over-priced imbeciles that know so little about true self defense and gun handling that you'll be lucky if an instructor doesn't shoot you in the foot while you are there.

But then, I can't say for sure. I've never been there. I know a few that have and lived to regret it.

Frontsight and Dr. Iggy Pieceofass sucks ass if you ask me.


Anonymous said...

Not to be a bubble burster... But all of your answers to the questions above were the correct ones: "Let her pick her own gun", etc. If you got to the answers page, you would see.

@Assrot: Iggy sends out a lot of emails, but the remove function works perfectly well. They are really good at removing your addys. I've done it the last two times I got a new email for business/personal reason.