Plumbing new depths of tacky, a Hoosier woman held a church funeral for her teenage daughter who, she said, had been raped and murdered by her father in far-off Iowa. There was an urn full of ashes and a donation box for the Autism Society and a moving eulogy and sobbing mourners...
...and then the girl's uncle bum-rushed the mic and announced that the girl was not, in fact, deceased and that the whole thing was a sham. At that point, the mother scurried for the nearest exit, leaving a baffled crowd of now-ex-mourners, as well as the donation box, behind.
Speculation abounds as to what she was planning on doing with the money, although "dope" and "legal fees" seem to be the leading contenders. The ashes in the urn were apparently her mom's, although I was kinda hoping that gas chromatography would reveal that they actually came from 27 packs of menthol Misty 120's, because that would be the cherry on the icing of the cake of the story.
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13 comments:
When White Trash goes bad . . . no, wait, when white trash goes even worse . . . no, make that white trash--doing it's thing.
What about the invisible twin with the lucky thumb?
Shootin' Buddy
I just noticed your tag "Horton hears a Hoosier" ... T'hee, indeed.
I would say qualifies as a flogging offence.
Gerry
Incredible... I'm going to go now and replay your recent daily dada while I sip my morning coffee 'cause after reading this that makes more sense.
Best
Being that the appropriate libation for Misty 120 menthols is Keystone Ice Light, it would be neat to see if the 'donation box' were somehow a papier-mache Keystone 30 pack box. There's just got to be that Misty/Keystone link in this story somewhere.
I vote for dunking in the public square.
This is the greatest thing ever. I'm ready to send her money NOW for all the daughters who have ever been lost to any tragedy!
I actually got the link to this story from a HS friend that had worked and befriended this woman years back. Seems she had a long running drug problem. Big surprise there!
Ooh, you said "autism." That punched one of my hot buttons, seeing as how I figure that I am at least a half-aspie. I will now go read at the link.
OK, I read the site at the link and the first page of comments. I hate to say, that here the normals go again, picking on the auties, but, well, yeah. I am glad to read that the pastor detected the scam.
Justthisguy,
You know, I obsess over weird things, keep huge spreadsheets of insignificant and/or trivial data, feel awkward in large groups of people, get physically uncomfortable if I don't get adequate "alone time", and have difficulty with interpersonal relationships because I have a hard time reading other people's emotions from vocal tone and facial expressions, plus I have a hard time predicting the effect my actions will have on the mental state of my friends and loved ones.
Luckily, I was born in a day and age when this just meant I was an arrogant introvert with a slightly creative bent; nowadays I'd be expected to join some goddam club. ;)
Tam:
Introversion, or high functioning autism/aspergers.
Me too, like I care.
Appropos of nothing here but the title of your post, I give you this: Roseanne Rosannadanna singing "We Gather Together".
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