Saturday, October 01, 2016

Lions and tigers and badgers...

I dreamed that Bobbi and I had moved to a '70s-vintage contemporary ranch in a subdivision in the Colorado mountains.

I was out in the glassed-in sun porch when I noticed that there was a bear rolling around just on the other side of the low chain-link fence surrounding the back yard, using the fence as a back-scratcher. I checked to make sure the cats were inside and went to go fetch Bobbi, so she could take a picture of it for her Facebook page.

As I headed down the hall to fetch her, I glanced out another window into the back yard and noticed that right outside the window, in the yard, was a leopard eating a freshly-killed pronghorn. The leopard looked up from its meal and right into my eyes, which was pretty creepy.

Yes, I know that leopards aren't exactly endemic to Colorado, and have I mentioned that the bear in question wasn't a black bear or a grizzly, but rather a polar bear? Clearly my dream zoologist was taking the night off.

Anyway, I return to the glassed-in sun porch with Bobbi to find that the polar bear and the leopard are now sitting cheek-by-jowl in front of the sliding glass door, where they have been joined by a badger for some reason I can't possibly fathom. All three are staring intently into the sun porch at the cats therein, and the bear has started idly pawing at the sliding glass door, which is unlocked.

So now I'm holding the door shut and asking Bobbi to please latch the little latch on the handle and hustle the cats into the house. When she does, I let go of the half-latched door and rush to follow her. The problem is that the doors that divide the porch from the rest of the house are flimsy-ass accordion doors like you'd find on a closet, with little siding bolts at the top for privacy locks, but hanging free at the bottom. If a bear hit that, it'd hinge open like a giant cat door.

So Bobbi helped me slide a small bookcase in front of the doors and then while she was on the phone with Animal Control ("Yes, a polar bear and a leopard. No, I'm not kidding. Please don't hang up!") I ran and grabbed my carbine and, because it finally had a purpose in life, my .405 Win T/C Encore...

Then I woke up.