Saturday, February 03, 2007

MISSING: One spine. If found, please return to city of Boston.

Okay, listen up. You citizens of Atlanta, Chicago, NYC, Seattle, Portland, LA, Austin, SF, and Philly, you can go now. No, you Bostonians sit back down; this is for you.

You there, the hippie from San Fran. Shut the door on your way out, okay?

Alright, Bostonians, what the hell is wrong with you people? Have your vertebrae atrophied so much that they can no longer support your brains atop your spinal columns? Have you devolved into a panicky herd of grazing creatures, easily spooked by blinky lights or sudden movements? I mean, for gawd's sake people, everybody else in the country looked at those little devices and said "Wow, a viral marketing gimmick." You all, on the other hand, freaked and called the cops. Who then shut your whole damned city down to save you from a blinking cartoon menace. You should be ashamed.

If Paul Revere were to get his warning in today's Boston, the lot of you would be on your cellies summoning the bomb squad to the Old North Church. Robert Newman and the lantern manufacturer would be forced to settle out of court and make a groveling public apology to the Mayor and his flock, and the Redcoats would have laughed themselves to death instead of getting shot up like they did. Look, here's a couple of flash cards for you to carry around to cut down on this sort of embarrasment in the future, okay?




This is a bomb:










This is an advertising gimmick:








See the differences? The ad gimmick is the one out in the open with the blinky lights. The bomb is the one that is hidden so that Jack Bauer needs a whole TV season to find it. Got it? Good.

Don't get 'em mixed up again.

17 comments:

Jonathan said...

That's why we call them Massholes.

Oleg said...

That's dumber and more evil than I expected even from MA. I wonder why the two victims of the witchhunt aren't suing back for emotional distress and false imprisonment.

2ndWatcher said...

Do you expect any less from a people that keep electing Ted Kennedy and John Kerry to office?

From an Ex-Masshole!

Desertrat said...

What's worse, though, from what I've read, is that the sponsoring group is making apologetic noises and offering to pay money!

Me, I'd be in every media outlet possible, pointing out how foolish TPTB are in the over-reaction. Hey, free publicity is Great! Particularly when you can make stuffed shirts look like the imbecilic fools that they are.

Art

Anonymous said...

I guess the Cartoon Network won't be doing any ads for their other new show:

"Who lives in a cavern, under a tree!"
"Osamee Raghead!"
"Blows up the Yankees, shouting with glee!"
"Osamee Raghead!"
"Aims at the Blackhawks with his old RPG!"
"Osamee Raghead!"

Marko said...

They shut down the city of Boston over a bunch of frakkin' Lite-Brites.

Ye gods.

Anonymous said...

What's sad is that this type of fear is precisely what the terrorists wanted to accomplish.

hardbeliever said...

"…clammering to be led to safety."

Anonymous said...

My, what short memories we have!

Does no one remember the incident in little ol' Plynouth, Indiana last year?

http://tinyurl.com/3xxjwq

Anonymous said...

My only question is... why'd it take them 3 weeks to notice?

But, on the other hand folks.

Blinky Lights can be put on a bomb.

And

The best place to hide some things is right out in the open.

Anonymous said...

Ah, I see that the whole country can see what we subjects of the People's Republik of Massachusetts already knew: Tom "Mumbles" Menino, Mayor of Boston, is a first class coward who will try to blame everyone else in the world for his problems EXCEPT himself and his failed policies.

Trust me, those of us who live here (and who DO have at least three braincells to rub together) are embarrassed by the shenanigans here.

And as for the Kennedy & Kerry twins... Hey, it's NOT MY FAULT! I keep voting against them but they keep getting elected anyway. Must be something in the water. :-(

brbiswrite said...

Yes, there is over-reacting. And then there is whan happened here in Hyphen-Town, NC. An abandoned car was left on Main St. for a week! It was parked between the court house and the federal building. I guess they had to wait for the bomb-sniffing dog to return from squirrel hunting. Or, if the car didn't explode the first day, it was just an artifact.

Conservative Scalawag said...

All I can say is,SHEEPLE, complete sheeple.

wolfwalker said...

Yeah, right. You're a transit worker in a city that is generally considered to be a top terrorist target -- a city that has had several other bomb scares in recent weeks. You see a device of some kind with exposed wires attached to the underside of an interstate highway bridge, where your briefing says no device should be. It's not your job to call it in as a possible problem? Given the call, it's not the police's job to investigate?

Mumbles Menino is a jackass, like most Masshole politicians, and I agree he's overreacting to some extent. On the other hand, right now the rest of the nation is mocking him and the entire police department for doing their jobs to the best of their rather limited abilities. Can you blame him for getting a bit brittle? Geez, people! The first report came in at 8:30AM. Everything that happened, happened in the space of a single work shift. I don't know how fast the police figured out the things were harmless, but I know the scare was over before 5PM. It didn't take a month, or a week, or even a full day. It took seven hours. I wonder how you all would act and react in a similar situation.

markm said...

"Does no one remember the incident in little ol' Plynouth, Indiana last year?"

Yes, 35 people were inconvienced for one hour, which is all that a small-town police department needed to determine that the blinky light wasn't a bomb. In Boston on the other hand... Evidently Andy Griffith is still running the Mayberry cop shop, but Barney Fife moved to Boston.

One small hint: bombers tend to try to hide their bombs. Advertisements try to attract attention. It's a rather obvious difference, but if you're really in doubt, when you look inside one of them and there are no explosives...

Justin said...

I was hoping Tam would post on this. Her snark, as always, is in top form.

If this incident had happened in Indianapolis, or some other large city in the Midwest or South, the east coasters would be snickering about all the un-hip bumpkins.

As it is, I can't help but smile every time I think about all of these supposedly tough and sophisticated east-coasters wetting themselves at the site of a litebrite.

Chris said...

Keep pulling the D lever wolfwalker.
But but but.....
CIII