Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Dear Immigrant,

As a native of this fair land, let me offer an unsolicited pointer. If you are going to incinerate your son-in-law, daughter, and their child, you need to come up with a more American-sounding reason. It's not that we're particularly unused to gruesome murders in this country, but saying that you killed someone because they "were the wrong caste" makes people uncomfortable and may make them think that you'll next start dancing about with a bone in your nose or eating kittens or some other strange foreign custom. To show that my heart's in the right place, here are some suggested reasons that have a more "Non-Imported" ring to them:

1) "He was a fan of (Pick One: Jeff Gordon/the White Sox/the 49ers)."

2) "I told him not to buy a Ford, but he wouldn't listen!"

3) "He served light beer with the Christmas turkey."

and, finally, if you just have to tell them the real reason, at least make it sound more American:

4) "He was lowdown, no-'count, white trash!"

7 comments:

OA said...

"start dancing about with a bone in your nose"

God bless the unedited Looney Tunes dvds. Now if they'd just get rid of that eybrowless woman telling me they're racist...


And don't forget the classic: He needed killin'.

Bob@thenest said...

I'm having trouble figuring out where a homocidal, murderous, arsoninst falls on his caste scale. Somebody help me out here?

The Earth Bound Misfit said...

I liked his story that he just happened to have a can of gasoline with him and it just happened to spill during a shoving match.

I'll bet that'll wow the jury...

Dr. StrangeGun said...

"He stole my meth!"

Don Gwinn said...

Well, the people he killed were foreigners, too, right? How about the classic "They were about to take jobs from hard-working Americans!"

Paul Simer said...

There's always, "I shotgunned him in the back while he slept because he made me engage in strange fetishes and verbally abused me, but only when nobody was looking. You'll have to take my word for it."

Worked for Mary Winkler.

Cybrludite said...

My advice for this person (And I use that term loosely)is that the next time he should throw himself in the suttee he's built for his daughter to save us the cost of convicting him, & then housing & feeding him for the next 25-30 years. It'd also be nice if he'd commit the murder is such a way that the victims' neighbors don't loose their homes & stuff.