Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Why We Fight.

It occurs to me that some newer readers may not be up on the entire "Taxonomy of Modern Dangers" thing, so as a recap, here are several good reasons to carry a gun:
  • Zombies (of course)
  • Pirates
  • Ninjas
  • Vampires
  • Werewolves
  • Bears
  • Face-eating monkeys
  • Killer space robots
  • Hippies (generally peaceful, but can become erratic and dangerous during mating season)
  • Various hybrids of the above, such as zombie bears or ninja vampires
Remember: If you are prepared for the dead to walk the earth in search of human brains, then a hurricane or attempted mugging is no big deal.

43 comments:

Stuart the Viking said...

BRILIANT! That is what I keep telling my friends. Prepping... not fun. Prepping for a zombie invasion... FUN! and if you're ready for a zombie invasion you're pretty much ready for anything.

They still think I'm a dangerous lunatic for even considering a zombie invasion. I guess they will never "get" it. Sigh... if only it were ok to pick your friends nose.

s

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

Dang Zomb-Hippy is the bane of my existence.

rremington said...

You forgot one. Politicians

Cybrludite said...

You know, there was once a tribe of face eating monkeys living beneath the streets of San Francisco, which hibernated most of the year, and then rampaged around the time of the winter solstice. It's believed that they prospered there because Yule Gibbons only eat fruits & nuts...

Anonymous said...

"You forgot one. Politicians"

No, no. She mentioned zombies, hippies, and face eating monkeys,
she's just avoiding repetition and redundancy in the interest of economy and energy conservation, leaving her more time to train and prepare for the Big One.

Good on S. Hawking for the wakeup call; we must all bear in mind that all of our earthly adversaries are basic training for the invasion from space. And it's not too early to ponder:

What gun or gunlike device for malevolent aliens?

AT

Jim said...

Am I missing an interesting new breakthrough in pharmaceuticals?

:)

Bram said...

Allee Bautsch can tell you that hippies are not as peaceful as you might think. Luckily she lives in LA and can get a permit as soon as she can walk again.

Anonymous said...

We must not forget to plug the "World War Z" novel.

...Human waves of undead washing across the continents...squared phalanxes of soldiers firing magazine after magazine, loaders in ranks behind them passing forward ammo ... blasts of artillery shredding clothes off the undead, but they continue forward, groaning for living flesh ... the living taking refuge in the frozen north and braining the statues of the undead in the deep cold....

Yeah, all of a sudden my sport utility rifle punching paper seems rather sanguine.

Tam said...

"Am I missing an interesting new breakthrough in pharmaceuticals?"

Make mock if you like, but don't say I didn't warn you about this stuff.

Sigboy said...

Shamelessly stolen and reposted on my blog because I am not smart enought to come up with it on my own.

But, you did seem to forget clowns.

Anonymous said...

"You know, there was once a tribe of face eating monkeys living beneath the streets of San Francisco"

Incorrect, that's what the government wants you to believe. The monkeys were actually in Chicago after escaping from a lab down South. The monkeys perished after the Chicago coal tunnel flood of the early '90s.

The history book "Synbat" by Bob Mayer details the escape and eradication of the monkey tribe.

Shootin' Buddy

atlharp said...

You forgot one: Clowns.

A car was not made to fit that many people into it.
I have special 12 gauge slug rounds made just for them. Be careful of the mimes.....they're sneaky as hell.

Where does Rosie O'Donnell fit into all of this?

Joanna said...

Where does Rosie O'Donnell fit into all of this?

Somewhere between "incomprehensible Eldritch horror" and "Mommy make it stop".

staghounds said...

Aren't hippies the offspring of werewolves and bears?

nbc said...

What gun or gunlike device for malevolent aliens?

It has to be a BFG9000

BobG said...

"Where does Rosie O'Donnell fit into all of this?"

Rosie O'Donnell fhtagn.

Tam said...

"Aren't hippies the offspring of werewolves and bears?"

It's a little-known fact that pirates are really just a violent subspecies of hippie. You can tell by the clothes and jewelry.

Anonymous said...

Pirates are hippies that understand commerce. Pirates need to be shot or hung.

Hippies become violent when they hear the a word or phrase begining with the letter G, such a Global Conference, Govermental or G-7.

As this is only a temporary condition it is better to club hippies or to play Gratefull Dead music until the dance themselves in to a more controlable state.

Gerry

Jason said...

Is it overkill to prepare for Zombie Hippie Communist Bears In Runaway Dumptrucks?

I prepare like that because I don't want to have to be on the answering end of George Washington's famous question to the Hessians on Christmas Eve "Prithee, What Nowe, Bytches?"

He totally wrote that to the Hessians, too. You can trust me, I'm a Historian. It's in "Stuff What Presidents Wrote Good In Their Military Days (And Learned To Do Other Stuff Good, Too)."

Brandon said...

Don't forget about the dragons. Ain't no pharmaceutical breakthrough gonna help with those.

Joanna said...

I prepare like that because I don't want to have to be on the answering end of George Washington's famous question to the Hessians on Christmas Eve "Prithee, What Nowe, Bytches?"

I LOL'd and LOL'd and LOL'd.

David said...

Face eating Monkeys don't scare me.

Its the flying butt monkeys that worry me.

Wolfwood said...

Surely you don't think pirates are more of a threat than ninjas?

Kristopher said...

Zombies, Pirates, Hippies, face eating monkeys, baboons on the tennis court ...

Just put the AK selector on "Afrikaaner", and let 'er rip.

Prithee, what now, bitches?

Marja said...

Sauron supermen?

Lokidude said...

Rosie O'Donnell? Elf queen. (Sorry, Larry!)

nbc said...

Well there goes any elf-fantasy I may have had.

LOTR will never be the same again.

Thomas F said...

I have special 12 gauge slug rounds made just for them. Be careful of the mimes.....they're sneaky as hell.

I prefer the Terry Pratchet solution....

Mimes are strictly forbidden. Anyone caught practicing the art is hung upside-down in a scorpion pit, upon the walls of which are written: "Learn the words."

Timmeehh said...

Nobody mentioned barking Moonbats?

Jason said...

I've used the "Prithee, What Nowe, Bytches?" thing before here in the comments. I just love the idea of George Washington actually saying that to a bunch of Hessians on Christmas Eve. It would have made history that much more awesome.

(Note to self: invent time machine, go back in time to make history more awesome. Don't forget the part about entrance themes w/ massive shredding guitar solos and pyro effects for Founding Fathers. AGAIN.)

WV: knolyin. The historian's motto.

Sigivald said...

What about bees?

BEES!?!?

Tam said...

I want a shotgun that launches bees. It'd be awesome.

Stuart the Viking said...

"I want a shotgun that launches bees. It'd be awesome."

or a big mess...

s

wv: physt... I didn't think this was THAT kind of blog...

Joe in PNG said...

Sadly, with the giant killer space robots, it seems our government has left us at a disadvantage. To destroy such a giant killer space robot, one has to have a giant killer robot of one's own, equipted with either a rocket punch or beam sabers- both are currently restricted as "destructive devices".
Take the "War of the Worlds" remake as a warning. Our lack of giant killer robots left us at a disadvantage- we only had Tom Cruise to fight the giant killer space robots. Not the best tatic.
However, in Japan, they get invaded by giant killer space robots or skyscraper sized monsters on a weekly basis. But they have enough giant killer robots of thier own to take care of the threat- many piloted by private indivduals.
So, we need to support the right to keep and pilot giant killer robots. Before it's too late!

Ancient Woodsman said...

I'm sure that Underpants Gnomes not being on the list was merely an oversight...



Right?

Joe in PNG said...

Oh, and I should warn you about the Ninjas.
One Ninja will be the absolute fight of your life- if they don't kill you before you know he's there. You're safe if you know some very powerful kung-fu, and carry a sword (guns don't work too well on a Ninja).

Quick note- there are many situations where you would want a good blade at your side. Dueling your unknown evil twin, beheading vampires, killing zombies when out of ammo, ect.

However, the Law of Conservation of Ninjitsu indicates that, if more Ninjas are present, the less powerful they are. So, where you would need a Kung-fu master to deal with one Ninja, a hundred Ninjas would be easily defeated by a 6 year old kid with a stick.

The Jack said...

Damn wookies...

Though being all 2nd amendment one's halfway in the suit.

People seeing the goverment make up rules as they go along, ignore what a law acutally says, and pretend the Constitution doesn't limit their actions?

Welcome to our world.

The Jack said...

Graaa.... Ignore previous comment.

Posted on wrong thread.

Kristopher said...

Jason said...

I've used the "Prithee, What Nowe, Bytches?" thing before here in the comments. I just love the idea of George Washington actually saying that to a bunch of Hessians on Christmas Eve. It would have made history that much more awesome.


Doesn't matter. History is a lie-by-consensus we tell ourselves, anyway.

I'm going to make it true, regardless. If some thuggish Big Bro can do it, so can I.

Joseph said...

Jason, LOL on the quote. Came damn close to spraying Cherry 7-Up out my nose.

But don't worry, we have the "Catshit One" strike force, and they do not!

Beaumont said...

Don't forget the fluffy bunnies. Although you really need hand grenades to deal with them properly.

"Prithee, whatt nowe, lepus?"

TW said...

Don't forget the fluffy bunnies. Although you really need hand grenades to deal with them properly.

You only need one - the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Is it behind the rabbit? No, it IS the rabbit!

Ninjas and clowns are resolved with the same thing - a clown mask. Ninjas are deathly afraid of clowns, lest they be Evil Clowns, and if attacked by clowns the mask will allow you to spirit away in the resulting confusion.

Not too worried about space aliens or people from the future with time machines. As Mark Twain said in the Star Trek: Next Generation episode "Time's Arrow" Part 2, "I suspect that even time travelers are vulnerable to the Colt 45."

Ted said...

Shamelessly copied to my profile on RoosterTeeth.com, with a link back. :D