Like Nastia Liukin approaching the parallel bars or Lindsay Lohan seeing her first big fluffy line of coke, the moment for which I have prepared all my adult life is finally here:
There's a face-eating monkey loose in Indiana.
This is why we own guns, people.
Well, this and killer space robots. And zombies. And ninjas and pirates, of course. Also, vampires, werewolves, evil clowns, and bears.