Saturday, April 07, 2012

But I don't care about the kind with racquets, either.

Unc asks, apparently in regard to the Masters' kerfuffle:
I’m guessing most women (as in an overwhelming percentage of) don’t care about golf one way or the other.
I don’t personally know anybody, setter or pointer, who gives much of a damn about pasture pool one way or another.

They could spice it up by incorporating some of my ideas:
  • Let golfers try to disrupt other golfers' swings by assaulting them with their clubs. Your caddy would be allowed to try to ward them off with your own clubs.

  • There should be a par time from tee to hole that requires at least a mild jog to avoid going over. You can attempt to trip other golfers along the way with your club.

  • The obstacles as they exist are too lame and easily avoided. I'm thinking a ditch and abatis clear across the fairway, and perhaps some barbed wire around the green. Rattlers would liven up the sand traps.
If this catches on, you should hear my ideas to liven up curling.

63 comments:

SGB said...

Losers would have to donate a kidney.

Chas Clifton said...

You'd be on thin ice with curling.

Johnnyreb™ said...

Golf ball launchers on an AR, instead of clubs, would make it more interesting ...

dave said...

Offense and defense: when your team is on offense, you hit balls down the fairway with clubs. When you're on defense, you stand on the fairway with shotguns.

Instead of yelling "fore," of course, the defense would be calling "pull!"

og said...

I think every sport could be livened up with a sniper or two, but this has always been one of my favorites.

http://youtu.be/7X7rLLc69Lc

Critter said...

water obstacles to be filled with alligators, so that even getting *close* to the water would be dicey. actually, in Florida, this is already true.

Brandoch Daha said...

Any sport would be improved by an abatis. Consider the primaries.

But I have to agree that golf would be improved more than most. Mencken was right about "no man guilty of golf" etc.

Joel said...

I once had a job that actually required me to play golf. Not kidding: Some of our biggest customers were golf fanatics, and everybody in management was expected to at least pretend to play.

The stupidity of this was palpable. If you want to make a committed golfer into a genuine enemy for life, assign yourself to his foursome when you don't know how to play.

Prior to that experience I never thought much about golf one way or the other. Since then, I've believed (and occasionally stated in management meetings) that the game could be measurably improved through the random use of land mines.

Anonymous said...

"you should hear my ideas to liven up curling."

Oh hells yes!

Pleeeeeaase? I'm just dying to hear this...

ASM826 said...

Golf should be done in pairs. One starts at the current tee. The other starts at the current hole. The object would be to take alternating shots and try to hit the opposing player.

Take turns going first.

Extra points for knockouts.

Two for flinching.

Anonymous said...

Think of the golfing scene in Animal House..."The point is just to enjoy yourself."

Anonymous said...

Instead of golf clubs, players should have to shoot the balls around the pasture with an "arsenal" of rifles in a diverse array of calibers.

"Hey Bobby, wouldya hand me that 45/70...This looks like a long drive."

Anonymous said...

Mini golf could be played with pellet guns.

Pakkinpoppa said...

Anyone who plays golf should have that be an automatic exclusion to them occupying a public office.

Other than that, maybe allow the crowd to use paintball guns on the players when attempting a tough putt?

Paul, Dammit! said...

I'm surprised to hear so much anti-golf sentiment here. I used to love golf, but then my local course put a goddamned windmill right behind the clown's mouth, and my game went to hell. So I cut out the golf and took up drinking full time.

Anonymous said...

Radom anti-personnel mines.
Par 3 has three
Par 4 has four
Par 5 has five

They can be anywhere but the green so the spectators get to play too!

One flag wired to claymores. Be sharp caddies!

Gerry

Aegis said...

Or you can be like Amazing Ben: Battle Golf!

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/battlegolf.html

Billy Beck said...

I don't know if they're still doing it, but there used to be a tournament near Kodiak, Alaska. It was one hole, par 72, straight up the side of a mountain. All you could have in your bag was a driver, a putter, and a machete.

Anonymous said...

Combine rifle ranges and golf courses: Extra points for style shooting the ball or club head.

perlhaqr said...

Leave it to Billy to know about a round of golf I actually want to play. :D

Ygolonac said...

Wasn't it PJ O'Rourke that suggested livening up golf by mass-charging the tee and driving as a -group- horde, screaming a battlecry? (I seem to recall "KREEGAH! BUNDOLO!" were bandied about)

Also, proper driving being the running charge noted above combined with a single vicious swipe of the club.

I also seem to recall heavy drinking being involved, but hey, PJ - I think he's got entire single-key-macros devoted to "heavy drinking" and permutations thereof.

global village idiot said...

Funny y'all mentioned curling.

At the risk of being banned forever from VFTP, I will describe a dream I had this morning which, by virtue of it being the last one I had before I awoke, was vividly remembered.

Cat curling.

It is exactly what you'd think it would be; however, I'm of two minds as to whether the cats should be loosed in carriers or just sent downrange "as-is."

I'm also torn as to whether the brushers should be allowed to shoo the cat along or whether it'd be funnier if they just had their normal job and the cats, once loosed, could go wherever Newtonian physics and their own cat minds propelled them.

My improvements to the game of golf include - absent an outright ban - two things:
o Goal tenders
o Midgets with cricket bats or fraternity paddles on the green.

gvi

Brad K. said...

So, would you also object to disc golf, which uses 'driver' and 'putter' variants of the old Frisbee (Boy, oh, boy, a Hasbro toy!), and played in parks, etc.

For either game, I think every foursome ought have one golden retriever, that must return at least three balls, not belonging to your party, before you are allowed to play the last hole.

Add two roving packs of mixed, feral Rottweilers, Pit Bulls, German Shepherds, and mixed terriers (well, maybe a vicious Airedale or Black Russian Terrier, if the particular animal were actually aggressive to all). Golfers would not be permitted to offer food or raise their voices to the dogs, and could not hit them with anything other than an article of clothing while being worn. ("I'll take you down, sit on you, and bounce," is a threat that comes to mind.)

If you haven't enjoyed the Bundaberg Rum ad . .
http://vimeo.com/19378208

(Gotta love those apologies.)

Chris Rhines said...

You've actually been scooped on the par time part - http://www.speedgolfinternational.com

Kristopher said...

Convert those wastes of good property into proper shooting ranges.

If you want to golf, go to Scotland.

Americans shoot.

AuricTech said...

If this catches on, you should hear my ideas to liven up curling.

Are they anything like this?

Meanwhile, WRT livening up golf, I recommend John M. Ford's How Much for Just the Planet? for further inspiration.

Anonymous said...

pasture pool ---priceless

Keads said...

I'm thinking more like this: http://youtu.be/KyDHaKtROZo

blindshooter said...

"Convert those wastes of good property into proper shooting ranges.

If you want to golf, go to Scotland.

Americans shoot."

+1

Jeff said...

We've got Mojave Green rattlers in the washes out here in Vegas.

I used to play all the time when I lived back in Michigan, its a lot more interesting out here.

Joe in PNG said...

But, without televised golf, how am I supposed to get my Sunday afternoon nap?

Cybrludite said...

Dang, AuricTech beat me to the "How Much For Just The Planet" reference. How about strafing runs by ultralights armed with paintball markers? Give the golfers a bonus if they can knock one down.

Darrell said...

"Golf is a good walk, wasted."--Mark Twain

Anybody remember the original Avengers series w/Patrick McNee and Diana Rigg? One episode featured golfers turning up dead on the course, with dimpled ball impressions in their foreheads. Turned out somebody was offing them with a (pneumatic, IIRC) golf ball gun. I've wanted one ever since.

Johnnyreb™ said...

LOL, Keads beat me to it ;-)

Anonymous said...

Golf racing. Teams of three, Driver, fairway man, and putter. Each may only play the ball on his position, i.e., tee, fairway, and green.

Disruption of opponent's play allowable only by your own ball, that means no touching of opponent's person, ball, or club.

Helmets with full face mask only allowed protective gear.

An audible signal will start the race, with penalties for strokes being taken before the starter's howitzer.

There shall be no restrictions on sounds from the gallery; play will cease if spectators cause one bit of matter (including their bodies) onto the course, while stewards bind the offending spectator to a frame and administer five strokes with a horsewhip. This penalty is doubled for each subsequent infraction of the spectator's rules.

First ball in the cup wins that hole.

Mike James

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

"A golf course is a willful and deliberate misuse of a perfectly good rifle range!" - J. Cooper

staghounds said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaXOHCNgYrc

staghounds said...

"You ever hear of South Carolina? My people built that. When they got off the boat, nothing was there. Now there's shopping malls and what's that shit? Miniature golf. From nothing."

Pete said...

One addition .... Lions.

Anonymous said...

I think having land mines might make it interesting. :)

bedlamite said...

You just need targets

Anonymous said...

Curling is perfect.

Leave it alone.

I mean what other, ahem, sport can a group of retired farts with medical issues, trounce a bunch of 20 year olds while playing with brooms and huge heavy rocks?

And drink alcohol while doing it?

Seeing as it's usually done in places too cold for scantily clad cheerleaders, what really can you improve?

BGMiller said...

Redesign the ball so that it detonates after having experienced a preset cumulative G. The detonation could occur at any time after the G threshold is met.

Crush one off the tee? Might wanna be careful with that putt.

Drop your ball on the cart path?
Be real careful picking it up.

Foursomes would be given a cloth bag containing four balls, each set to a different G threshold.

EOD will be waiting on the 18th green to collect the balls of any survivors.


BGM

DaveFla said...

One more vote for ranges. I've never seen a fairway that wouldn't have been improved by the addition of excavation, rail tie walls and covered shooting benches & target stands in place of the tee boxes and greens...

David said...

A 20 handicap golfer walked into the pro shop one day and challenged the local pro to a $100 scratch round. But he insisted on getting two gotchas.

The pro accepted the bet and they headed out onto the course. As the pair walked off the 18 green the folks in the club house were shocked to see the pro handing over a hundred dollar bill to the hacker.

They asked the pro "What happened?" He replied I birdied the first hole while he doubled it. I was getting ready to tee off on the second hole and right in the middle of my backswing that bastard sneaks up behind me, reaches between my legs grabs my balls and yells "Gotcha!"

I shanked the shot into the lake. Then I spent the rest of the round waiting for him to take his second gotcha...

The Duck said...

Golf courses are just a waste of good rifle ranges

Anonymous said...

Since many of us want to rescue golf courses by turning them into rifle ranges, has anyone ever thought of rifle golf? Take an ordinary golf course and put clusters of 12, 9 and 6 inch round steel targets on it at more or less the same distances on each hole, approximating average tee shot and wedge distances. From the tee, pick the target you think you can hit (whatever rifle/sights or handgun you want, all shots taken offhand), call which of the 3-target cluster you've selected and take the shot. Striking the 9 inch at distance counts as 1 "stroke," the 12 inch adds a 1/2 stroke penalty, the 6 inch deducts 1/2 stroke from your score. Shots at the next plate cluster are taken from the first plate cluster, and so on. Shooters may select more distant plate clusters to reduce the number of "strokes" required by the course. The plates on the green include a bonus 3" plate; calling and striking it reduces your score by 1 stroke. Low strokes win. No carts, no caddies, everyone carries their own guns and ammo. Iron sights get a 1 stroke handicap per hole, handguns get 2. No ladies' tees.

Discuss.

Anonymous said...

Rockcastle Shooting Facility was a golf course.

www.rockcastleshootingcenter.com

They hold the AR15.com and Blue Ridge 3 gun and the Shooting Industry Masters match there.

Gerry

Bubblehead Les. said...

CaddyShack is a Documentary.

akornzombie said...

Badgers. Lots of badgers.

Jerry said...

And wolverines.

David said...

Here in the desert we share our golf course with red tailed hawks, coopers hawks, coyotes, bobcats, a mountain lion (ok, it was just walking past one evening and didn't actually cross the boundary of the course), rattle snakes, gopher snakes, and countless rabbits, duck, snow geese, teal, mudhens, cranes and terns depending on the season.

Our two shooting ranges are outside of town in the other direction and have most of the same animals, minus the birds because there is no water or grass out there.

Mikael said...

i blame golf for higher crop prices and world hunger. So much wasted arable land...

Such a lame "sport" too.

Matthew said...

The golf courses around here are regularly visited by moose und squirrels (und bears). They get to play through.

I've seen video of a course in South Africa with crocs -and- bull sharks in the water hazards.

Anonymous said...

"So much wasted arable land..."

If the land is paid for, it is by definition not "wasted". The owners get to decide what to do with their own land.

A huge part of the problem of World Hunger actually has to do with the problem of storing food. In some countries it is estimated that rats and other vermin might get as much as half of a given year's harvest. More plastic sheeting, and construction of silos might help this; let's ask the environmentalists is we can manufacture more systems to store food.

Higher crop prices are driven in the current era by the foolish idea of ethanol production. We are burning our food, rather than eating it, for the sake of a farm-belt scam meant to fleece taxpayers. There is no need to produce more ethanol; proven recoverable reserves of fossil fuels have approximately tripled in the last ten years, if I remember correctly. Again, this is something to be laid at the feet of the steenking Greengos.

Oh...oh, wait, your comment was snark, wasn't it? I feel foolish.

Mike James

Les @ LPN Salary said...

It's booooooorrring. *yawn*
I was actually surprised my Aunt got into it because my Uncle loved the sport. Oh well.

Justthisguy said...

I think some anti-personnel mines would make golf more sporting.

Sorry, I live in a county with almost 200 golf curses in it, and one (count 'em , 1) shootin' range.

No, belay my last. LOTS of anti-personnel mines.

Roberta X said...

Rodents Of Unusual Size. Also, random jets of fire.

Anonymous said...

A 60mm mortar crew delivering steady H&I fires would make televised golf watchable......

Anonymous said...

Form the Star Trek novel, "How Much for Just the Planet" - Par 4,(machine gun) bunker left, minefield right.
-Charles in PDRMD

David said...

"...192 yard par three with an AstroTurf putting green, a gun tower, and LIVE MINE FIELDS in the rough! The hole is surrounded by the mine fields on three sides..."

The most dangerous golf course in the world - http://www.golfsliced.com/news/offbeat/worlds-dangerous-golf-course/

Anonymous said...

A local B&B that catered to pheasant hunters used to have golf ball shoots if hunters got back before sundown (back when we had some pheasants in Iowa). Owner would hit golf balls, hunters would try to shoot them out of the air. Seems like every foursome should have one assigned shooter who tries to knock down the other foursome's shots.

Roscoe said...

Lightning sand in the sand traps.