This one goes out to the knuckle-walking microcephalic troglodyte who wittily scrawled "I Wish My Wife Was This Dirty" across the decklid of my Beemer with his webbed finger.
Well, Gabby Hayes, let me tell you what I wish. I wish they weren't doing construction on the lot next to where I work, leaving every vehicle I drive coated in red dust. I wish I had a garage to park the Beemer in at home. I wish I didn't work 'til close six days a week so I'd have a little more time to do the really important things in life, like wash my car. But most of all, I wish folks had the common goddam courtesy to keep their plebeian mitts to themselves and not touch things that don't belong to them.
In a spirit of benevolent cheerfulness, let me see if I can help you with your wish, Al Bundy: maybe if you tried to seduce your wife with something wittier and more subtle than fart jokes during commercials on Monday Night Football, she might be willing to get a little dirty with you, allowing you to live the content and self-satisfied life of someone who doesn't feel compelled to wipe their booger-hook all over other people's belongings.
Have a nice day! :)