Friday, September 07, 2007

Apparently after the dinosaurs got off the ark...

...there wasn't enough oxygen in the air and they got so slow that we ate them all.

I'm speechless.

33 comments:

pdb said...

Yeah, because that makes much more sense.

Garm said...

If I took copious amounts of LSD, that might have made sense.

Jay G said...

Wow. I kept reading and reading, and it got more and more surreal.

I would have put money that there would have been a note "From the pages of The Onion" somewhere on that page...

Ben said...

First, the Earth cooled.
Then the dinosaurs came.
But they got too big and fat and died and turned into oil.
And then the Arabs came and they all bought Mercedes-Benzs...

Not an original comment I know, but I refuse to get started. I run into too much of that mindset here some days and could vent for hours if I let the cork loose.

Marko said...

Remember...they call them "Jesus horses" now.

Ben said...

OK, Marko just made me laugh.

Murphy said...

Jesus Chri...er...wow.

ExistingThing said...

Holy hell!

global village idiot said...

Chick tracts are a hoot!

I forget whom to attribute the line to (certainly not myself; I'm not nearly that clever), but my favorite quote in relation to Chick tracts is:

"Hell is for people who think they'll go there if they don't believe in it."

Glenn Bartley said...

And I thought I had seen just about all of it, until I read that. LSD would not invoke anything like that in a rational mind, no matter how high the user. No only an extreme belief in extremism at all costs could have someone come up with something like that as an answer to what happened to the dinosaurs.

mediageek said...

Jack Chick is the best thing ever.

Want to see something funny? Look up his strips dealing with Dungeons and Dragons.

Ambulance Driver said...

I'm a Christian...

...but I'd have an easier time believing in the Flying Spaghetti Monster than that tripe.

Paul Simer said...

Agreed!

"Thank goodness I'm in the clouds. *Nobody* can see me now."

Cybrludite said...

For a much less funny read, check out what Chick's got to say about Catholics. Folks like Jack Chick & Fred Phelps make me thank God that I'm agnostic...

MauserMedic said...

Hmm. This sounds a great deal like someone I work with. What's wierd is that he's a very intelligent person, but extremely dogmatic in unquestioning when it comes to his belief structure.

Alcibiades said...

Eve catches a lot of crap just because she invented agriculture.

OldTexan said...

"Holy Crap!"

I have to print this out for my Sunday School class, I actually teach one in our Methodist Church. I am pretty sure dinosaurs tasted like chicken but how did they make oil?

And did you notice that they spoke King James English back then? Well, if it is good enough for Jesus it is good enough for me.

Thou art right, forsooth I feel smitten by a boney ass and have been also manyfold wrought speechless.

Christina said...

I thought it was a joke, until I kept reading.
I feel quite ill now, thank you...

Matt G said...

Is it their belief that nothing actually strikes the earth? Those impact craters are just part of God's creation that he put in, and their creation didn't disturb the earth a teeny bit?

More importantly, why do they always refer to those little 'zines as "tracks" when they hand them out?

dr mac said...

Another childhood myth destroyed.

I always thought the dinosaurs died because Fred Flinstone ate too many brontosaurus burgers.

phlegmfatale said...

Yabba dabba doo!

Jack Gordon said...

I've been collecting Chick tracts since 1995 -- the people who distribute them are so earnest that one can't help feeling bad for them. To quote my buddy: "One thing, I'll give Chick: at least cool things happen in his universe."

Squeaky Wheel said...

MattG - "Tracts" are pamphlets expressing a point of view.

oldtexan - It says right there in the comic that SOME dinosaurs were also buried under the surface of the earth with the other plants and animals left when Noah set sail.

Tam - they're on crack.

OldTexan said...

Thanks Squeaky Wheel I was trying to catch my breath when I first read about dinosaurs and I missed that part.

I thought perhaps the lack of oxygen caused them to have some sort of a squishy-stasis raction in their gullets and the resultant excreta was crude oil.

I should have known all the answers were in the comic story.

ibex said...

I don't know what this guy has been smoking, but I want 2 ounces of that.

Alcibiades said...

So, did Noah's family repopulate the world all by themselves?

That's disgusting!

Yuri Orlov said...

If you think that one's funny, you should check out his Halloween tracts.

Chuck@PodunkOutpost said...

"
At 1:33 AM, September 08, 2007, Cybrludite said...

...thank God that I'm agnostic...
"

Now that's funny...

Kristopher said...

Who will be eaten first?

Anonymous said...

Alcibiades: Yes, and yes.

There's a website of terribly funny Jack Chick parodies somewhere - but how could you parody this one?

OTOH, it's a better answer than I got back in an after-school Bible class back when I was in 2nd grade. The teacher didn't seem to think dinosaurs had existed at all - but my Dad had worked the previous summer at a dig. It just has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual fossil record, which gives Homo Sapiens a perfect alibi for that particular extinction - there are no hominids at all in any layer containing dinosaur fossils, or any layer even near those layers.

markm

rickn8or said...

..thank God that I'm agnostic...

That's nawthin'.

On one of his tapes, famous atheist Michael Scot Earl said "I'm an atheist; I don't believe in God, and I sure as Hell don't believe in ..."

rickn8or said...

Also, it's just so sad that a tree had to die to print Jack Chick's crap on.

comatus said...

Have you seen his Wagner tract? Boy-o-toy-o.

cybr: I bet that Chick and Phelps are a big part of the *reason* you're an agnostic. Works for me. I believe in something; just to get along (also, the new crop of professional atheists are Teh Ghey), I'd just as soon call it God--until I come up against the things currently being done and said In His Name. I just can't bear to join an organized religion, or even the Methodists (apology to Will Rogers).

Old tex: "And did you notice that they spoke King James English back then?" O would that they did! The bible citations in these things are always from Good News for Modern Man, or the Modern American Version, or some such paraphrase. I say if the good Lord didn't want us to read Elizabethan (well, Jacobean) English, He wouldn't have written in it!

(Old one: calling school board to find a Latin tutor. Curriculum specialist: "This school district does *NOT teach* Latin, *SIR*." Me: "Well, when you talk to God, what the hell language do you speak?" LONG silence...)