Saturday, July 24, 2010

It's good to be aware of all the dangers.

Doomsday Hysteria... White Men at BP guilty AGAIN... Mother Gaia's flatulence... Government coverup... PANIC on certain parts of the INTERNETS...

The people and property located on the greater expanse of the Gulf Coast are sitting at Ground Zero. They will be the first exposed to poisonous, cancer causing chemical gases. They will be the ones that initially experience the full fury of a methane bubble exploding from the ruptured seabed.
So let me get this straight: After the supersonic tsunami has washed your corpse a hundred miles inland and lightning-ignited methane fireballs have charred the flesh from your bones and set the very atmosphere alight, then the chemicals will give you cancer?!?

Quick! Call the EPA!

Seriously, do these people have any idea at all how ridiculous they sound?

Listen to me you thimble-headed gherkin, you just predicted instant total catastrophic global Armageddon... and cancer! Do you get that? Can you grasp the absurdity of the words coming out of your head?


(H/T to New Jovian Thunderbolt.)

30 comments:

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

What gun for Gaia farts?

reflectoscope said...

In that case we'll all go together when we go.

Jim

Divemedic said...

1 This caused the mass extinction of dinosaurs? I had no idea that dinosaurs drilled for oil and caused the disaster. Therefore, dinosaur extinction must have been George Bush's fault.

2 To make an explosion 120 miles in diameter, such a bubble would have to contain more than 1.3 trillion cubic feet of methane.

3 It could just as easily be said that the BP disaster acted as a relief valve that released the pressure and saved the world. How does THAT theory grab you?

Jeffro said...

Pull my finger?!?

Nick Pacific said...

So he's trying to say my property values in clearwater beach will drop?

Stranger said...

Modern day Millerites.

If true, there is nothing we can do about it, and if false the name of the false prophet will soon be forgotten. Leaving him free to run another windy.

However, as far as my drilling industry friends can tell the clathrates, methane ices, are nicely stable and will remain that way for the foreseeable future. Methane gas? Look up "natural gas" sometime.

Of course, if 'Ol Sol decides to warm the place up that bet is off - but that is something else we cannot prevent.

Stranger

wv is rubteree - which reminds me of Al Gore's playmates.

S

Anonymous said...

Hello this is the US Coast Guard.

I would like to place a rush order for 1,000,000 tablets of Beano.

Do you take credit cards?

Gerry

Steve Skubinna said...

Ground ZERO? For Gaia's sake, how can they be so blatantly racist? Don't you see,this is a coded reference to President Obama (PBUH)!

Waaaaaaaacism!!!1!!eleventy!!1!!

tw: capinib. Also blatantly waaaaacist!!! I denounce everyone!

Tam said...

Divemedic,

"1 This caused the mass extinction of dinosaurs?"

No, this is the Permian Extinction; the one that bagged ammonites and amphibians.

Bubblehead Les. said...

Wonder how much of our taxes was spent on this hooie? FEMA will probably get another Gazzilion or so to "Prepare" for this disaster, and Barry will use it as excuse to force "Cap and Tax" down our throats. :(

Tam said...

Bubblehead Les,

"Wonder how much of our taxes was spent on this hooie?"

None. George Noory isn't on NPR.

aaron said...

Hey, cancer is scary.

We should probably have a series of Gaia Fart Cancer Awareness Concerts. Some ribbons and rubber armbands to wear-is "oil spill brown" a real color yet? Maybe Willie Nelson could do Gulf Aid; with Bono, Coldplay, and the Dixie Chicks there to accumulate the requisite levels of pretentiousness.

The important thing here is to lay the ground work for the class action lawsuits and region-based welfare increases.

LabRat said...

Ironically, there's a stretch of towns in central and southern Louisiana dubbed "cancer alley" due to the lively chemistry of the water, which is in fact mostly due to the local petroleum industry.

The Gulf Coast residents are and probably will continue to be far more under threat from that than from the BP spill, but it isn't photogenic and isn't good for anyone's political purposes.

Nathan said...

Think this is bad? One of the cats farted this morning. Frankly, I'm amazed we're all still alive.

reflectoscope said...

Aaron - Come on man, the gulf is bad off enough without dumping Coldplay in it. Bono would be even worse, walking around the gulf (I'll bet he thinks he can) getting his fix of attention.

Jim

DirtCrashr said...

I bet if you inhale all the "Helium" like the writer has, then when you shout "Armageddon!" it sounds all high-pitched squeaky and funny!!

Justthisguy said...

LabRat, there you go again, gettin' all reasonable -like. Doan chew know that one of the things which make the food in New Orleans so yummy is the presence of so many weird substances in the tap water there? Prolly won't hurt you if you're just visiting.

Joseph said...

Xkcd's worst-case scenario sounds far more realistic, even if it includes a "roiling, alligator-filled wall of flame."

Joseph said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jake (formerly Riposte3) said...

Really? They're still going on about that?

I expect we won't care about the cancer after the flames and tsunami kill us all.

The Freeholder said...

Tam, they don't care how goofy they sound to us, we aren't the intended audience. Their intended audience will eat this load of bushwa up and demand that Congress "Do-o-o-o Something!!!"

Yes, with 3 exclamation points.

TheGraybeard said...

Wait a minute.

You're telling me that a giant Gaia fart is going to be released and it's going to cause a mass extinction and we're all gonna die?

In that case, I really overpaid for my new toilet. And my new glasses. Well, and pretty much everything.

Steve Skubinna said...

Think you have it bad, Graybeard? I can see the headline already:

"World to end in fiery cataclysm, women and minorities hardest hit."

tw: remorch. I know there are coded messages in there, I know it!

Bubblehead Les. said...

Actually, I've should have said "I wonder how much of our Tax money WILL be spent on this Hooie?" "Never let a Crisis go to Waste", sayeth Rahmbo Emanuel.

Anonymous said...

Does John Barnes know about this? Because whoever came up with this TEOTWAWKI scenario ripped off Barnes' novel "Mother of Storms."

--Wes S.

Anonymous said...

Laugh if you want, but it was thinking like this that caused Jorel to put his son on a rocket ship and send him to Earth. Hence we have Superman to protect us. You all should be more appreciative.

Anonymous said...

Murder, arson, and jaywalking. -tvtropes.org

Anonymous said...

"Can you grasp the absurdity of the words coming out of your head?"

Nope. He can't. Too much arrogance.

Ulises from CA

docjim505 said...

thimble-headed gherkin

Somebody's been watching "The Great Race"!

Anonymous said...

Why does Hollywood keep re-making old movies when there are so many more interesting scary stories and crazy plots on teh Interwebs? But then I'm still waiting for CERN to open a hole in the time continuum and release hordes of dragons.
LittleRed1