Saturday, January 22, 2011

The ongoing Balkanization of my satellite dish...

Okay, I knew that there was children's TV, women's TV, dude's TV, Spanish-language TV, black entertainment television, imported limey telly to watch when you're feeling smug, several competing brands of GodTV, and anti-American propaganda TV on PBS and Al Jazeera, but for some reason I did not know until scrolling through the channel menu this morning about Jewish Life TV.

I was pressing the down arrow button on the remote control like one of those lab rats hoping for more coke, trying to decide whether Chris Matthews or Bill O'Reilly was more likely to cause me to Elvis the television set at 0600, when I saw a show called "Mensch Life" scroll by.

"Oh, look!" says I to roomie, "There's a show called Mensch Life on something called JLTV! I'll bet they have a morning medical show like Dr. Oz, called The Daily Plotz... Ooh! And they could have a prime time sitcom about a nice strait-laced orthodox widower attorney who lives in Atlanta and hires this redneck gal with this outrageously over-the-top magnolia blossom accent as a nanny for his kids!"

At this pace, everybody should have their very own TV station target-marketed directly at them by 2017. Production budgets will, of necessity, be small, but the ad conversion rate should theoretically be phenomenal.

33 comments:

Peter said...

The Jewish fishing show will be called 'Kvetch And Release'.

:-)

ViolentIndifference said...

Oy.

McVee said...

Vey.
It wont be long before we have the advertising blimps overhead like in blade runner or the personalized ads that speak directly to you when you get within range... a little too soon for my tastes. I'm getting verklemmt just thinking about it...:(

2yellowdogs said...

"The Jewish fishing show will be called 'Kvetch And Release'."

Now that's funny, right there. I don't care who you are. I LOL'd.

og said...

I think they'll make it more market research driven, so they'll know who and what you are by what you watch and what you do with the remote.

Problem is, with my viewing habits they'll have me pegged as a left handed lesbian trucking company employee who runs her own security business on the side and has a thing for spelunking and needlepoint. Wait, they already have a channel for that on Dish network. It's called the Preluifi channel.

WV: Preluifi

Joe in PNG said...

Find me a channel that plays nothing but MST 3K, Anime*, and Top Gear, and I'd probably never change the channel again.

*The ones with the giant robots piloted by angsty teens with strange hair colours, not the ones where the nerdy loser has hot chicks fighting over his lurv. Because that's just not realistic.

D.W. Drang said...

You left out RFD TV. That's right, a channel for farmers.

Joe: Which Top Gear?

Haven't been able to generate the interest to pay for the channels that have shooting shows.

Noah D said...

Peter wins the internets for today - I actually did spit out my drink. Keyboard is fine, lazy Saturday morning robe is not. :)

Joe & DW, all the Top Gears! The Brit one is a scream, the American one is starting slow but trying to find its pace, and the German one might be...interesting.

(Tam, if you haven't, you may want to give Top Gear on BBC America a try. Middle-aged geeks doing silly things with cars. The one where they review the cars of the old Warsaw Pact is fantastic.)

Anonymous said...

Peruse the credits for primetime teevee shows and movies of the last sixty years to see that JTV has been around the whole time.

But I too am waiting to see them jump on the "reality" bandwagon, though; we might see a new take on the genre...

"Blast this House"

"Divine (re)Design"

"Survivor: Gaza"

"David the Tango Hunter"

Interspersed with prescription-strength Chicken Soup ads with interminable disclaimers as to possible side effects.

AT

Tam said...

AT,

"Peruse the credits for primetime teevee shows and movies of the last sixty years to see that JTV has been around the whole time."

Yeah, yeah, I see lots of women and whitebread names in there, too, so I guess that Lifetime and GodTV have been around the whole time too...

Tirno said...

Eh, TV channels of yore are going to be outmoded soon, except for broadcasting to the old fogies. The ads on TV will soon be exclusively for Geritol, Depends and glaucoma drugs.

Give Hulu a couple more years, and you'll know when TV is going to pack it in when there a Hulu-only series, with-ads or for-pay-without-ads.

Your ad conversion rate is going to enormous when you're factoring in not only the show demographics and local demographics, but the individual viewers preferences. We'll be seeing competing ads for Magtech and Federal and Wolf (Is bullet. Is not safe.) after Hulu starts selling gunnie demographics ads.

Give it 30 years, and we'll be releasing the UHF and VHF TV bands for data bandwidth, and there will be some kind of government assistance program to dole out conversion boxes to receive old style over-the-air HD-TV broadcasts on your ancient 1080P TVs that are actually data-streamed.

Anonymous said...

"Survivor: Gaza"

Survivor DONNER Pass
Survivor Mogidishu
Survivor Adrift in the Barren Sea

I'm loving it.

Gerry

Top Gear BBC #1 even if they think everyone in KY is named Bubba

Jim said...

I saw a commercial making the same point you have here. One of the faux channels they had flash by was the heavy equipment channel.

I for one am disappointed that such a channel doesn't in fact exist.

Jim

Nowayoutbutup said...

Tirno said...
Eh, TV channels of yore are going to be outmoded soon, except for broadcasting to the old fogies. The ads on TV will soon be exclusively for Geritol, Depends and glaucoma drugs.

Give Hulu a couple more years, and you'll know when TV is going to pack it in when there a Hulu-only series, with-ads or for-pay-without-ads.

Your ad conversion rate is going to enormous when you're factoring in not only the show demographics and local demographics, but the individual viewers preferences. We'll be seeing competing ads for Magtech and Federal and Wolf (Is bullet. Is not safe.) after Hulu starts selling gunnie demographics ads.

Give it 30 years, and we'll be releasing the UHF and VHF TV bands for data bandwidth, and there will be some kind of government assistance program to dole out conversion boxes to receive old style over-the-air HD-TV broadcasts on your ancient 1080P TVs that are actually data-streamed.

Done and Done .
Roberta will advise that publik access has been around since b4 Waynes World.....

Ian Argent said...

Moore's Law Needs Bandwidth!

Steve Skubinna said...

Visiting a friend who has satellite, he asked if I'd seen Sarah Silverman's TV show. First he had to tell me who she was, but I still didn't know. Then he showed me her music video "I'm Fucking Matt Damon."

Ummm, okay. Not that I still know, but... I gather she is some variety of comedian.

So then he switches to some network called LOGO, and there is her show. All of the commercial breaks are pitching... extremely gay television shows. In fact, one was called "The Big Gay Show" or something subtle like that. So I ask my friend what kind of network this is, he says, oh, just a regular network.

Less than three seconds online reveals LOGO is - surprise! a GLBT network.

So I am not at all surprised there's a gay TV network, but I would be astonished if there is only one. After all, there is one network devoted exclusively to golf - not that there's anything wrong with that.

John Venlet said...

Tam, you are watching teevee way too early in the morning. 0600? Sheesh.

With that said, I wish my antenna picked up "Mensch Life." I'd even consider watching at 0600.

Joe in PNG said...

D.W-
The British version, of course. Then again, I've yet to see the U.S. or Aussie versions- we only get one channel here, and my tv doesn't have an antenna. So DVD's for me!

...Maybe the anime with the chick that has the pink hair...

treefroggy said...

JLTV ? Oy !! I suppose the Mohel segment is handing out tips ????

Buzz said...

Countdown to the Oscar for best picture going to a movie titled "Ass" in 3...2....



captcha = "fanni"
(Clearly, it was time for the Idiocracy reference.)

Anonymous said...

I'd settle for THE HISTORY CHANNEL sans Bigfoot and UFOs.

Anonymous said...

Top Gear Australia is a sad thing and unwatchable. I do love the original. Too bad Clarkson is so rabidly anti-American.
Seems to him, fat American is one word and we've never built a decent car.
He's the kind of guy who, when reviewing a Hummer, takes it to the narrowest village roads instead of a Motorway. Compares a cheap American car to a German one costing twice as much. Rubbishes a Ford F100 because it carries too much. Does his damnedest to insult the folks in Alabama and is surprised when they react (luckily for him mildly for once) You get the idea.
I still watch it just because they're Poms and who cares what they think?

Anonymous said...

Anon--

I'd settle for the History Channel sans Bigfoot, UFOs, and HITLER.

There, I fixed it for ya...

cap'n chumbucket

D.W. Drang said...

Top Gear w/Clarkson reviewing the Ford Fiesta.
Top Gear w/Clarkson in a Range Rover playing hide and go seek w/a Challenger tank.
Top Gear turning cars into amphibians. (For once, Clarkson is on the right track...)
And Clarkson has admitted that we can, in fact, build cars he likes, like the Ford GT.

Zendo Deb said...

If the history channel stops showing stuff about ancient aliens and ghost hunting what will they show?

And I know why SciFi became SyFy... there is no sci-fi left on the network. (Friday night they have pro wrestling.)

Why isn't Top Gear (the new American version) on the Speed Network?

Home and Garden Network is nothing but real estate voyeur shows. Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless.

I'm glad I have escaped the Midwest and am back in Florida where I don't own a TV.

atlharp said...

Yeah I can see it now, Tactical TV. Tam you could have your own show!

Call it: "Tactical Wookiesuit"

Today's Topic: "The abomination of full length guide rods."

Hell even I would tune if I wasn't getting rid of my DirecTV.

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, yeah, I see lots of women and whitebread names in there, too, so I guess that Lifetime and GodTV have been around the whole time too..."

There's the Ms. Prickly we all think we know and love!

AT

GuardDuck said...

Wait a minute, I thought Seinfeld was JTV?

Ian Argent said...

But Hitler made the History Channel. Not for nothing were they known as the Hitler channel

MikeMcDaniel said...

Well, Andy Warhol did say that everyone would be famous for 15 minutes.

tom-the-impaler said...

I get the Siames efaith healer's network!

The News and weather from peruu!

I get celebrity Hockey!

The raquetball channel too!

Tam said...

They're just jealous
'Cause I've seen Porky's
Twenty-seven times this week!

LabRat said...

I was profoundly unimpressed with the American Top Gear. What makes the original work so well is the three presenters and the way they bounce off each other, and the three dudes they got for the American show have all the exciting and vigorous chemistry of argon.

I don't give a damn that Clarkson dislikes America and Americans, as Clarkson dislikes the entire world outside of Britain and most of Britain as well. That he's a loud gasbag is both trivial and acknowledged within the show. He's still hysterically funny, and never more so than when karma is giving him a two-by-four across the back of the head.