Thursday, October 31, 2013

Boo!

Happy Halloween!

Hey, did you hear the one about the prune-faced minder of other people's business in NoDak who has appointed herself Guardian Of The Neighborhood Children's BMI?

Here's hoping that "soaping people's windows" has not fallen out of the local kiddies' skill set and that Cheryl finds out the actual meaning of the oft-mouthed-but-seldom-understood phrase "Trick or Treat!"
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27 comments:

bedlamite said...

Someone needs a flaming bag of poo on her porch.

You should also read this, It gets good on page 3.

8:28 AM, October 31, 2013
TJIC said...

This is how it starts - and pretty soon, people will start criticizing me for handing out airplane bottles of vodka to the kids.

8:46 AM, October 31, 2013
Dwight Brown said...

"...pretty soon, people will start criticizing me for handing out airplane bottles of vodka to the kids."

Well, jeez, TJIC. Really? You're handing out bottles of a neutral grain spirit (with some impurities) to kids? Are you trying to turn them into vodka martini drinkers? Do you realize what you're doing? They're going to grow up and be the kind of people who order "apple-tinis" and "choco-tinis" and other things with "tini" at the end that aren't really martinis at all.

Airline bottles of gin for the children or bust.

(I think I'd also accept handing out bottles of cinnamon schnapps to kids, along with a big handful of Atomic Fireballs for each of them.)

8:54 AM, October 31, 2013
Divemedic said...

Stand on the sidewalk in front of her house with a sign that paraphrases her letter by reading thusly:

You are probably wondering why I am standing here with this sign. Have you ever heard the saying, "Mind your own damned business"?

You are, in my opinion, a busybody with poor spelling skills and a penchant for poking your nose where it doesn't belong.

My hope is that next year, you will simply turn off your porch light and learn to mind your own damned business.

9:04 AM, October 31, 2013
Courer du Bois said...

Quote from Robert Anton Wilson


“Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th candy bar a man on the bench across from him said "Son you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne rot your teeth and make you fat."
Little Tony replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked "Did you grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered "No he minded his own fucking business.”

9:15 AM, October 31, 2013
joethefatman said...

I'd just like to have a concession stand outside her driveway selling rotten eggs and toilet paper. Business might be good

9:34 AM, October 31, 2013
Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

I saw that on the TV in the doctor's office yesterday whilst waiting for my bride, and even the ladies back in the office were saying that was awful and that she should MHOB.

10:44 AM, October 31, 2013
Tierlieb said...

Please enlighten the ignorant foreigner: There is a tradition of going to other folk's places, demanding candy under the threat of (minor) property damage and the person still playing along while expressing her own opinion is the one deserving ridicule and more property damage?

10:47 AM, October 31, 2013
Dominique said...

Nah, soaping windows is way out of vogue. Egging, however, is still quite popular. It may yet be a good Halloween, wherever she is. (For given values of 'good', naturally.)

10:49 AM, October 31, 2013
Armed Texan said...

She sounds like a lovely person. I would like to sit down with her and have a beer...er...wheatgrass smoothie and have her tell me about all of my flaws.

10:50 AM, October 31, 2013
Critter said...

I think we need a "teachable moment".

11:45 AM, October 31, 2013
global village idiot said...

"Fat letters" are the Chick Tracts of our time.

gvi

11:54 AM, October 31, 2013
abnormalist said...

@Tierlieb

In a word, Yes.

This would be considered in immaculately poor taste to adults, and an insult akin to "spitting in their face" to the children. This is a holiday for the children. its celebrated with candy and vandalism. This is just sort of how it goes. what you generally don't do though is preach.

If you don't agree with this holiday, or any part of it you abstain. Go to the movies, out to dinner, leave your porch light off and you're fine. Very rarely is a conscientious objector a target in these cases. Doing this though is grounds for the worst the local young hoodlums can think up.

11:54 AM, October 31, 2013
Goober said...

I wouldn't want to live in such a world.

12:04 PM, October 31, 2013
Anonymous said...

Soaping windows is .... not terribly effective.

Johnson's Paste Wax. It does not simply wash off with water.

Use a good heavy coat, to keep her from being alarmed by others by others' behavior. If she can't see it, mehbe she won't be bothered.

jimbob86


12:13 PM, October 31, 2013
Erin Palette said...

@Tierlieb: If she was really that concerned about the children, she could either not participate (see above) or she could hand out apples, or popcorn balls, or even little toys.

Instead, she gives the children a freaking note for their parents, like they're misbehaving. This is rather like giving someone an empty box for Christmas under the guise of "you need to be less materialistic."

12:17 PM, October 31, 2013
fillyjonk said...

Wow. What an awful person. I guess just opting out wasn't an option for her, no, she's gotta be mean to little kids.

I don't expect many kids coming by tonight (I never get very many any more), but I think I'll drop an extra candy bar in each kid's bag, just as a silent protest against busybodyness and killjoyism.

12:44 PM, October 31, 2013
fillyjonk said...

Another thought:

Is it at all possible this woman is trolling, to get attention, that the whole thing is a hoax?

I'd rather believe I got suckered for a moment than that there's an adult human who thinks this sort of thing is a good idea.

12:45 PM, October 31, 2013
Tam said...

fillyjonk,

"I'd rather believe I got suckered for a moment than that there's an adult human who thinks this sort of thing is a good idea."

You and me both.

1:21 PM, October 31, 2013
mikee said...

My favorite Chick Tract of all time is the one strongly urging readers to worship Cthulu, in hopes of being driven mad upon his emergence from the deeps, thus avoiding the agony of the world's destruction.

Ah, here it is, just in time for the holiday!

http://www.rubbersuitstudios.com/ptcct.htm

And may God have mercy on your immortal souls, for Cthulu will have none!

1:29 PM, October 31, 2013
Texas Mike said...

Finally, a house the children will hate more than the dentist who gives out toothbrushes!

1:43 PM, October 31, 2013
Anonymous said...

Meet Mrs. Bloomberg.

3:18 PM, October 31, 2013
JohninMd.(too late?!??) said...

Methinks Cheryl is asking for it - a and I hope the kiddies deliver, in spades....just sayin'....

5:04 PM, October 31, 2013
Mike_C said...

Jaysus. Stupid "professional" commentary on top of stupid behavior:
North Dakota State University assistant professor of clinical psychology [says] unsolicited fat letters could cause emotional problems for these kids ....

Yeah, it'll be such a traumatic shock because never have these kids been mocked by their classmates for being fat. Because kids just don't do things like that, you know. Why those chubby little snowflakes are probably completely unaware of their adiposity and have never compared themselves to "ideal body images" like people see on TV and in magazines.

That said, handing out "fat letters" for Halloween is pretty damn obnoxious.

@Tierlieb: Speaking of quaint local customs, in the state of Michigan there is the tradition of "Devil's Night" on October 30th, right before Halloween. When I was growing up it was mostly at the level of pestiferous nonsense such as throwing multiple rolls of toilet paper into trees so that the unrolled paper made a big, hanging mess. Of course some denizens of Detroit managed to turn Devil's Night into an annual occasion for major vandalism and arson in the 1980's.

6:05 PM, October 31, 2013
dave said...

I'd rather believe I got suckered for a moment than that there's an adult human who thinks

Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence!

7:29 PM, October 31, 2013
Ed said...

For starters, let her be be in charge of The Neighborhood Children's BM's - delivered to her front door fresh in a burning paper bag.

2:27 AM, November 01, 2013
Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

It occurred to me after a bit of mature thought that we ought to bring outhouses back. Then the kids could do to her what my dad and his pals did to the guy who hid in the outhouse one year to stop them from knocking it over (which they did every year). They knocked it over, all right -- on its door with him inside it.

Hilarity, as they say, ensued.

8:36 AM, November 01, 2013

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