Friday, December 01, 2006

Blog Stuff: T'hee!

I Was A Zombie Teenage Axe Murderess.

Sucky though it may be, I guess I have to buy the movie.

I actually have an axe. It's a bearded axe, from Hanwei Forge. One time my friend Kaylee was visiting, and she and my downstairs neighbor's daughter were having a "cutting party" on the front porch with their katanas and water-filled two liter coke bottles. Onlookers joined in, and pretty soon I was being heckled to come play, since they all knew I had a half-decent sword collection. I kept begging off, protesting that all my swords were unsharpened, plus I was really engrossed in my book. Finally, I caved and went upstairs and came back down toting my axe. While they were discussing techniques like jodan-no-this and chudan-no-that, I squared up, strode forward with my weak-side foot, led with my hips, and snapped my wrists around. The top half of the bottle went arcing straight up in a spray of water, while the bottom just wobbled in place as the axe zipped through it like it wasn't there. "Where'd you learn that cut?" asked my friend. "Gary Sheffield," I replied.

23 comments:

Zendo Deb said...

Horror schlock can be great stuff. Casper Van Dien has been in many schlocky movies. Starship Troopers was actually one of his BEST films - as bad as it is. (There is one with giant mummies that is a hoot.)

Tam said...

Giant mummies?

Morbid curiousity compels me to ask, were these the mummies of giants, or were they garden-variety mummies that had been somehown made giant post-mummification?

Tam said...

...and the automatic follow-up question that is running through all my reader's minds right now:

"What would be the best gun for giant mummies?"

(If anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis says they didn't have that thought cross their mind, they're a damn liar. ;) )

Gregg said...

GE Minigun

Standard Mischief said...

Slogan:

"We bring good things to life, and cut the undead to pieces"

Sigivald said...

See, now you just need Oleg to take some axe pictures.

(And I thought ST was a great film; as long as one is clear that it is not meant to be an adaptation of the book, but a propaganda film in that setting.)

BryanP said...

I thought about sending you a link to that movie, but realized I'd probably be #3128 to do so.

Starship Troopers movie ... bleargh.

That's a pretty cool axe, btw. Me like. I currently keep an old Kukri on the nightstand (in addition to the .357 - I'm strange, not stupid). That would make a good replacement.

Mulliga said...

Great. Now I have to rent this or grab it on eBay.

TD said...

FN P90 in the background?!? Airsoft?

Tam said...

" FN P90 in the background?!? Airsoft?"

Sharp eye! Yup, it's a Tokyo Marui.

Anonymous said...

I believe they were mummies of the Titans. They left the end of the movie open with the viewer knowing there were several more of these mummies scattered throughout the world. I think they were trying to interest The Sci-Fi Channel in a series.

Brass

Anonymous said...

Whoops. I forgot to mention the the movie was called The Fallen Ones.

Brass

PS I love shlock straight to video movies. Check out The Plague starring James van der Beek.

Conservative Scalawag said...

That looks like one that I bought at the Georgia Ren Fair years ago. I think that yours looks a tad bigger than mine. I have learn to throw it with pretty good accuaccy.

markhb said...

My Celt DNA keeps telling me to get axes.

I haven't listened to it so far. Through there are a number of large pieces of crystal here in Command Alpha which, if struck agains the Command Alpha Command Desk, might just knap themselves into sharp-edged two-kilo hunks of crystal in not a lot of time.

Then again, there's the simple pleasure of the seven-kilo 800-watt Morningstar brand towerpower supply that'd be lying unhooked by the bed...

(Hey, I live in the UK. I do my best).

BobG said...

Your Teutonic genes are showing.

Anonymous said...

Reading this made this story pop into my head.

{If you don't already know SCA is the Society for Creative Anachronism -
medieval reenactment}

One of my friends lives in NYC and participates in the SCA. He's
stereotypical Viking, 6'7" tall, LONG blonde hair, about 350 - 400 lbs of
solid muscle, and looks every bit of it. Well, he was going to a meet in
full getup with long cloak and battle axe and sitting on the subway...
hunched over leaning on the axe with the cloak pulled over it so he
wouldn't scare anybody.

Lo and behold some little punk comes up... MAYBE 5'2", 120 lbs soaking
wet, and brandishes a knife saying "GIMME YOUR MONEY!" Naturally the guy
sits there, somewhat befuddled at the balls of this punk.

"GIMME YOUR *bleepin* MONEY OR ELSE!" and the guy stands up... and up...
and UP. Raising the battle axe over his head, screaming at the top of his
lungs "BLOOD FOR ODIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At this point, the fellow passengers learn the true sound of terror.
Not a scream, no curses, just a simple little "urk" as the guy leaves a
wet spot as he's bolting for anywhere but there.

A couple weeks later our friend is at a club in the men's room, doing what
all guys do when they've had a bit of ale, and looks over and at the next
stall is that SAME PUNK!

Up for a bit of a laugh, the guy leans over, and quietly whispers in the
dude's ear "Blood for Odin!"

The cops catch up with him a couple blocks away.. screaming bloody murder,
running like the hounds of hell are after him, with his pants around his
ankles.

-----------------------

I'm sure it's an urban legend but it makes me smile

Diamondback said...

Best gun for giat mummies? Easy..12 guage loaded with incendiary flares. Mummies are rather dry and covered in rags. They burn nice and bright! I don't have a war axe, just haven't got around to one yet. Survival hatchets yeah.. several. Plenty of swords. Mine are all sharp, but I wouldn't trust half of them if my life depended on it. A few of the nicer Katanas are built for cutting but are unused as of yet. I love a good Zombie flick and have a collection of both domestic and imported that would make a horror geek weep! Stopped counting somewhere around 30-40 movies ago. Most are crap, but a few gems most people haven't heard of stand out. Surprisingly enough most of the really good imports are from Japan and Argentina. Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone has got to be one of my all time favs. And Bio Zombie is up there as well.

BryanP said...


I'm sure it's an urban legend but it makes me smile


Yeah, that SCA story has whiskers on it. The version I've heard most often is related as taking place at an event in Louisiana. But still funny.

phlegmfatale said...

It's a thing of beauty when equipment performs up to snuff.

Gregg said...

Well, sadly I need to rehaft my axe, which will require some extensive work to turn down the right piece of wood.

Though it is worth it. The blade is shaped like a wing, one of the bearded axes that looks like it was used by the Varangian Guard. Oh, and the aerodynamics of that wing shape ... PHENOMENAL, the bearded designs allow you to choke up nicely for those times that one must get up close and personal.

Whoops, my Celtic and Teutonic blood is showing.

triticale said...

What would be the best gun for giant mummies?

With all due respect, I don't think mummies would choose to use guns. When armed, they use swords.

Kristopher said...

I'm sure it is the variety of axe that goes best with a chainmail bikini.

Firehand said...

Mummy?
http://www.sluggy.com/comics/archives/daily/19981213