Sunday, February 14, 2010

Not enough machine guns and dead Nazis.

Everybody's talking about the opening ceremonies in Canuckistan, which I didn't watch because I was pretty sure it didn't involve Uzis.

I think a wide variety of entertainments, from halftime marching bands to Olympic opening ceremonies to Cirque du Soleil to most any Broadway musical, would be greatly livened up by random explosions, rabid wolverines loose on the field, drunken Shriners chasing each other around the track in Miatas, and midgets in clown suits that popped out of trap doors on stage and ran up and headbutted the occasional performer right in the junk. That would be just the most awesome spectacle on television; I'd wear Depends rather than risk tearing myself away from the screen for a minute.

17 comments:

Stephen said...

Ah. A portrait painted, better than most. The midget v. junk thing made me wince. But can I have the popcorn concession?

Anonymous said...

There's always the biathlon events to watch.

The Big Guy said...

We had that: Go Google/YouTube the '96 opening ceremonies in Atlanta...
Hi-larious.

TBG

George said...

What a hoot that would be, Tam. Somehow, we've got to wiggle you into a production control job for the next one of these. Hey ... the next Winter Olympics is in Russia. Think there's a chance?

Of course, that dingbat James Cameron could have done the whole thing without involving any humans.

Who want to start the campaign to make Tam ... wait for it ... Opening Ceremony Czar?

Regards.

staghounds said...

Great. You just ruined my pitch to set up the Chicago games in '20...

Anonymous said...

> that dingbat James Cameron

Off-topic, but speaking of James Cameron's latest movie, check out RedLetterMedia's review of Avatar.

Jeff said...

Cirque should hire you to come out here to Vegas and fix a few of their newer shows. Believe would be much better if a midget ran out on stage and headbutted chris angel in the nuts every 15 minutes or so. (I'm surprised they haven't thought of that themselves yet, we only have one midget that I know of.)

Full disclosure, I work at the old cirque show in Vegas.

gievo?

Brigid said...

I'd even turn on the TV for that.

John said...

That biathalon thingy got decent coverage, this go round. Heads are gonna roll for THAT oversight.

I mean, women with guns and sights and operating the damn things with skill and a target counter and seeing the awful bullets hit the target and....well, gosh golly darn...it was just frightening.

There were even those nasty shooty sounds. I guess we'll just have watch re-runs of CSI or LawunOder to see how guns really work.

stsing

Tam said...

"We had that: Go Google/YouTube the '96 opening ceremonies in Atlanta...
Hi-larious.
"

I studiously avoided any and all contact with the '96 Olympics, as did every other self-respecting Atlantan.

Well, I did go watch the torch run by a block from my apt.

Concerned American said...

More rabid wolverines, please.

LMAO....

jesperskibbey said...

So when it comes to dead Nazis what is your definition of "enough"? I suppose when you run out of live ones, then there are enough dead ones.

Kristopher said...

There ya go. It sucked because they didn't hire Quentin Tarantino and Sam Raimie to produce it.

Jason said...

Huh. That surprisingly sounds like my state gov't. job, Tam. Then again, I deal with Illinois politicians all day.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Laughed till I cried! Drunk shriners in Miatas, rabid Wolverines, & midgets in clown suits always do that! At least I didn't soil myself. You're a gem Tamara

global village idiot said...

...midgets in clown suits that popped out of trap doors on stage and ran up and headbutted the occasional performer right in the junk...

Tam, you had me this >< close to losing control of my bladder for the first time since Nixon was President. I haven't laughed so hard in years. Thanks!

gvi

WV: infier - n. troupe name for said midgets during Vancouver games (there's still time for the closing ceremonies!).

Grayson said...

The most impressive part of the opening ceremonies was when Gretzkey lit the outdoor 'cauldron' down by the new Trade and Convention Center. I could have sworn there was a mushroom cloud rising into the sky, and the cameraman couldn't get a wide angle view...
At about that point, my friend Bruce turned to me and said, "Well, there goes our nice green Olympic Games, up in smoke."
Half a dozen people proceeded to hurt themselves from laughing so hard. The eco-enthusiast in the crowd was reported to have walked away with tears streaming down her face.