Saturday, February 27, 2010

Fool-Proof Risk Management 101:

How To Avoid...

  1. Death from parachute failure: Don't jump out of airplanes.
  2. Death by bungee-jumping accident: Don't jump off of bridges.
  3. Drowning: Avoid large bodies of water; take showers instead of baths.
  4. Cutting your femoral wide open with a chainsaw: Don't use chainsaws.
  5. Getting eaten by Orcinus orca: Stay away from the big fish tank.

Speaking of O. orca, I had no idea that there were both "nomad" and "villager" killer whale cultures, as it were, and the two do not seem to intermingle.


Carteach said...

Pain is just God's way of saying "Don't Do that!". Sometimes the message is sterner than other times.

Anonymous Pedant said...

6. Accidentally shooting yourself: Stay away from guns.

PS - Orcas aren't fish, they're mammals.

Stranger said...

Reasonable advice.

But a woman I used to work with carried an electrical cord every where she went.

She said that if she was ever in a crashing airplane she intended to whip that wire out of her purse, because it would certainly hang on something and stop her fall before she hit the ground.

Considering the many things Amy found to do with that piece of zip cord, she might be right.

But if staying away from the aquarium with the orcas is not part of the programme, wear a pony tail wig.


Tam said...

"Anonymous Pedant"

1) We all pick our risks, don't we?

2) No shit? Really?

og said...

Shit, the water in fish tanks is not suitable for whales to swim in? Who knew?

Ed Foster said...

Amazing. I had no idea there were different types of killer whales.

Peaceable inshore communities of more intelligent fish eaters, and less intelligent migratory groups that kill and eat other mammals.

Geeze, d'ya think the buttheads at Sea World have been putting their trainers in the water with the nasty kind?

Given the track record of the one that killed the nice lady the other day, perhaps they should start looking at the shape of the dorsal fin before letting people play with it. Or is that ethnic profiling?

Or, if raised and bred in captivity, are they of mixed genotypes? Meaning, forgive me, that they don't know which way to jump?

Seriously, if some orcas think of people as nice folks who give them fish, and others think of them as potentially tasty substitutes for seals and sea lions, shouldn't there be some selectivity involved?

Tam said...

Anybody who thinks that 9 .32" caliber pellets are the proper dose for a 3/4-ton carnivore is just asking to be reincarnated as a steaming pile of scat on an ice floe.

perlhaqr said...

Ed: But even if the mammal eating ones are less intelligent, that still must have been the type that cooperated with the Australian whalers. So, smart enough for that, at any rate.

Tam said...

Nobody said they're less intelligent, Ed, just that their language seems less complex. I've known some very terse people who were smarter'n dammit.

And the "resident" ones kill porpoises and seals too, but not for food. Either for sport or maybe to stop them from poaching fish; keeping pests out of the garden, as it were.

Cargosquid said...

Killer Whales?
Who is importing these Assault Whales? These evil black whales? I ffind it suspicious that they belong to the group ORCA
Could that stand for “Organization for Rapacious Carnivorous Actions?”
We need to re-instate the AWB!! The Assault Whale Ban!!!
Stop the importation of these whales. Their only purpose is to kill! They have no “sporting” purpose!
And children are near them! Do it for the children!
Remember, statistics show that family members are more likely to be eaten by whales, than intruders, in homes with killer whales.

And does PETA have a stand on these creatures? You know, People Eaten by Training Animals?

What? Too soon?

B Smith said...

Ed Foster:"...perhaps they should look at the shape of the dorsal fin before letting people play with it. Or is that ethnic profiling?"

I LOL'ed

alath said...

"two seemingly bigger than life polar bears that are in constant motion, swimming from one side to the other, pushing off and coming back again. Over and over and over. Oblivious to the gawkers at the window, literally an arm's length away, they are in a trance."

There's a clinical name for that. It's called 'stereotyped behavior.' It is often seen in hospitalized psychiatric patients, and in animals slowly going crazy in a zoo. Which is actually kind of the same thing, I guess.

OA said...

"Speaking of O. orca, I had no idea that there were both "nomad" and "villager" killer whale cultures, as it were, and the two do not seem to intermingle."

Aye. Vikings weren't very welcome at Lindisfarne, either.

Tam said...


It's been a while since I last reread my copy of Desmond Morris's The Human Zoo, but now you and Al Terego are going to make me go dig it out.

Anonymous said...

If my dog were to bite, not kill, people on two occasions it would be euthanized by law.

Mega dolphin get’s two confirmed kills and a probable?

Makes me wonder why?


Anonymous said...

Whole damn ocean, full of brains.


PS - Squid - I roffled.

Anonymous said...

that's "nomad, villager, and serial" killer whales
-Pop N Fresh

Netpackrat said...

Gerry: Because it is a KILLER whale. That's what it is supposed to do, and I say that as somebody whose life was probably saved by orcas. Three of us were in a slow, small skiff loaded with a bunch of deer carcasses, and being shadowed by a pod of sea lions, that were getting way too close for comfort. We were getting ready to open fire, when I looked over my shoulder and say a big, black dorsal fin heading our way. Just when I thought we were well and truly fucked, the orcas went right past us and scattered the sea lions.

Ed Foster said...

I bow before CargoSquid, as should we all. And Alath, you thought the same thing I did.

I try not to dabble in anthropomophosis, but what an obscenity that Polar Bear cage must be.

Shoot them if you're hungry and they're all that's available.

Shoot them if they're trying to eat you, or if they're competing against you for limited food supplies.

But don't torture them. Because someday they might just get even.

Anonymous said...


You Bastard,

Chumming for sea lions by using blood is ilegal.

You must use colorful rubber balls.


Anonymous said...

Geeze you guys are harsh.

Here is a lady who died doing the job she loved and was one of the top folks in her profession. Heck there are more Senators then Orca trainers.

Having talked to a lot of the Seaworld Trainers (San Antonio is quite close so we get season passes and go often) they all love their jobs and really are in to the whole deal.

The lady got killed doing the thing she loved and while the last minute of her career sucked, I expect that on the whole she really loved it.

How many firefighters, police officers, doctors, or soldiers died doing their job and no one says a thing? Just part of life, but if the wild animal you are training takes you out, then everyone is up in arms.

Tam said...

Anon 7:18,

"The lady got killed doing the thing she loved and while the last minute of her career sucked, I expect that on the whole she really loved it."

Like I said, "We all pick our risks, don't we?"

staghounds said...

I suspect that she's prefer it to the tumors or cascading system failures that would have been her ultimate fate.

And at least in her own and the orca expert families, she will live forever!

"Who is that in the family album?"

"Oh, that's your great great great aunt Mary, the one who was president. But listen, she was named after your great great great great great aunt Mary! Let me tell you about her, she was killed by a WHALE..."

Geodkyt said...

Cargosquid --

Now I want to build an AR, with a Duracoat paint job to look like Orca markings. . .