Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A puzzler, and no mistake...

This morning, upon awakening, I blurted out "Zombie robot clowns!" rather loudly and for no immediately discernible reason.

This has now got me stumped, because where exactly would zombie robot clowns fit in the Taxonomy of Modern Dangers? Both the zombies and the Killer Space Robots are independents, like the Face-Eating Monkeys, and not tied in with the ninja-vampire faction or the loose pirate-hippie-werewolf collective, but the whole "clown" thing throws an x factor into the calculation...

Also, what gun for zombie robot clowns?

42 comments:

Jim said...

Have you read "It" recently?

Jacopo said...

Garand at 300 yards, 1911 up close?
:-D

pdb said...

What gun? Something hilarious! Like a S&W Performance Center J-Frame, a T/C Contender in 6.5mm Carcano, a .410 shotgun AR or a 1911 LDA in 8mm Nambu.

Anonymous said...

One word.

"Gyrojet."

Tam said...

pdb,

"S&W Performance Center J-Frame"

Little guns benefit from better triggers and chamfered charge holes, too. (Although a steel J is a pretty niche piece.)

Of course, I think a Kel-Tec is hilarious, but people get all butthurt when I make fun of their rabbit's feet, so what do I know?

jesperskibbey said...

Saiga 12

pdb said...

I don't mean just any PC J-frame. I mean one like this.

Personally, I think Kel-Tecs should come with a prepaid Fedex Next Day Air tag in the box, because you know it's gonna go back at least once anyway.

Tam said...

pdb,

I knew which one you were talking about (although it isn't a PC gun, actually.)

The 3" steel J is a belt gun for folks who can't conceal a K (although I'm skeptical on that count) and the small of hand who can't get a proper DA grip on a K/L, which is a larger subset of the population than most think. If someone doesn't wear at least a Men's Size M (and preferably a L) glove, a service-stocked K/L is probably too big for their hand and they're "H-gripping" it to get their joint on the trigger for DA work.

NYPD used to issue the 3" 36 to smaller female officers rather than the 4" 10.

John said...

I think the gun is obvious: a shotgun. The load, however, is rubber shot. Red, squeaky rubber shot, if possible.

Being zombie robots, you may want some of those overpriced taser shells and maybe some normal buckshot, too, I guess.

Bob S. said...

I would have thought that a semi-automatic PIE (hand)Cannon was the obvious way to go.


The clown aspect was the tip off.

Now the filling is questionable, lemon or chocolate meringue?

Weer'd Beard said...

Nuke the site from orbit....

BryanP said...

First you hit them with a tazer. That shorts out the robot and restarts the zombie heart.

Then it's just a clown. And you know what to do with clowns.

Joel said...

Clowns are scary, no matter which sub-phylum they inhabit. Clowns are just frickin' evil.

12 gauge. Go for the big red nose.

Anonymous said...

Paintballs filled with Napalm.

Kevin said...

.50 cal Deagle wif beamz, of course!

Anonymous said...

Shotgun, my ass. I'll position myself with a 360-degree view and a 360 yard range. What gun? I dunno, a Barrett? Something on a turret?

Zombies are easy, robots are our friends, but I ain't getting anywhere near no clowns, or letting them get anywhere near me.

AT

RobertM said...

I think weerdbeard has the best solution, but if small arms are necessary I would think a Garand, M1A, or FAL would do the job. Or you could be all tacticool and use a 7.62 SCAR.

If economy is a concern there is always the AKlone or a good old Nagant.

aczarnowski said...

*shudder*

EMP cannon? Somebody is working on making those real, I hope...

Brad K. said...

I think I would go with a taser marshmallow axe projectile weapon, preferably in a 1" caliber with a 4" magnifier and highlighter for sights, and a potato fork handle for the butt/shoulder piece. Obviously.

I notice that you are assuming the zombie robot clowns are hostiles, and not just superiors. In the much more likely event that the zombie robot clowns are superiors, respond to inane instructions and orders with "Mmm, clank-Honk!" and go about your business. And maybe buy a pair of larger-sized, steel toed, suede work boots to wear. Floppy hat extra. And send in your taxes a couple weeks early for the other zombie robot clowns, just in case some work for the BATFEU and IRS.

Matt G said...

I actually qualified with a M36 2", and carry it on occasion, but usually only when I'm at an in-service class where I'm open-carrying, but won't be on the street.

I keep thinking of the whining of motors, clicking of servos, shuffling sound of giant shoes shambling along, and the tinny sound of a cheap speaker buzzing: "Brainnnnns.... Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk!"

The gun would have to be silly, for sure.

I think of Gunny Schmidt's story about the Bubba-ized chopped-down trapdoor Springfield with a Red Dot JB Welded to it. Like clowns, it would be funny, but it's tragic and scary.

I then think of the hilarity of an American 180 as a defense weapon for zombie robot clowns. Uh, suppressed. Uh, with a red dot, laser, Surefire, and, uh, a bipod.

With a pair of Remington .41 rimfire derringers for close-quarters. In full-sized shoulder holsters.

Newbius said...

I think the weapon of choice will depend on whether the target is funny or not. For a comedic ZRC, maybe .410 shotgun...and work him down slowly. For the un-funny scary clown, no messing around. Use a 20mm Solothurn...from 1000 yards.

Hypnagogue said...

Garand? While I agree that is enough gun for clown, it is not appropriate for zombie robot clown.

What we need is: a megaphone, a fire bell, a garden hose, an iPod with Calliope music (check iTunes), an old Mini Cooper and a stretcher...

Cut out the floor of the Mini with a gas axe and park over an open manhole. Paint it white with a big red cross on each door, place the stretcher on the roof.

Stand on your lawn with the megaphone heckling the zombie robot clowns. When they approach, ring the fire bell. This will cause them to stop, with mouths agape. Spray the garden hose into the mouth of the nearest zombie robot clown. Ignore the others, focus on him.

When the balloon on his head pops, he will fall to the ground dead. START THE CALLIOPE MUSIC NOW. The zombie robot clowns will revert to their programming, loading the dead zombie robot clown onto the stretcher, and piling en masse into the Mini -- and falling into the manhole.

Down there, the gojiras will finish them off. They are natural enemies.

NYEMT said...

I was liking BryanP's suggestion about the Taser...until I got to Hypnagogue. Sorry. That one wins the intarw3bz for today. L..M..F..A..O!! :D

RevolverRob said...

A lever gun in .454 Casull or .500 S&W Magnum is the obvious choice. A revolver in the same is also the other obvious choice.

Finally, this can be backed up by nothing less than the most stomping shotgun one can find, perhaps a side by side 10 or 12 gauge loaded with magnums. In fact a 12-gauge with 3.5" magnum buckshot should do the job.

-Rob

Bob said...

I'd say a bang flag gun, followed by seltzer bottles. If all else fails and they get within biting range, then squirting flowers and handshake buzzers.

Midwest Chick said...

x factor="Killer Clowns from Outer Space". You can link them to the Killer Space Robots, leaving the zombies and Face-Eating Monkeys as independents.

The choice of weapons of Clown destruction I leave to wiser minds than my own.

Mr. Fixit said...

I would like a refresher of the Taxonomy of Modern Dangers (TMOD), please.

I grock the independents; Zombies, Face eating monkeys and killer space robots.
I can kind of understand the Ninja-Vampire camp.
But the Pirate/Hippie/Werewolf camp has me questioning.

Can we go through it all again?

Mr Fixit

Cargosquid said...

And this is why I love this blog....

theirritablearchitect said...

Tap Captain Kirk for his ray guns.

They are the only choice since both your clowns and the ray guns are figments of your imagination, and not real.

Real guns for real threats. ;)

Armed Texan said...

Zombi robot clowns == Borg?

militant_marmot said...

Seltzer Bottles filled with Holy Water. Or acid, whichever you can find first.
And don't forget the acid squirting flower on the lapel!

Gregg said...

Just the thought of zombie robot clowns is terrifying.

There is only one way to be sure they are no longer a threat.

The "gun" should be the one housed inside a case full of fissionable materials.

Yep, that's right. Nuke 'em from orbit!!!




Did I mention that clowns just really freak me out?

Anonymous said...

I have DEFINITELY been reading this blog too long...I actually understand and endorse Hypnagogue's approach to vermin control...

WV: nessl...just need to throw the Loch Nessl lizard into the mix...

cap'n chumbucket

Caleb said...

Wait, what's 1) an H-grip and 2) what exactly are service stocks?

And I like my steel j-frame. :P

Anonymous said...

Do the zombie robot clowns arrive in the clown car a dozen at the a time?

Weapon of choice = A-10

Gerry

Larry said...

That new-ish shotgun taser round would probably be a good'un for robots.

Tam said...

"Wait, what's 1) an H-grip and 2) what exactly are service stocks?"

H-grip: Rolling the hand around to the right (or left) side of the grip to assist in trigger reach, which results in the backstrap not being centered in the hand and the weapon not being aligned with the bones of the forearm.

Service stocks: What used to be called "splinter grips", more correctly "Magna stocks". Standard S&W wood stocks that cover neither the front or backstrap. Smaller than "Target" or "Combat" stocks.

Matthew said...

Long term use of the H-grip with serious calibers can lead to pain, bone spurs and joint damage.

While those heal/are fixed one does get the chance to polish up their weak-hand shooting. So it's got that going for it, I guess.

WV: herarne - what Maria Shriver calls her husband

Brad K. said...

Armed Texan

"Zombi robot clowns == Borg?"

Nah, I think of a zombie robot clown as more of a Nancy Pelosi, or maybe a Hilary Rodham Clinton. You know, someone like Hilary that might slip something in Bill's breakfast to put his heart on the table, so he won't be gumming up her next White House run.

Rather than Borg, think of a robot clown, like the Disneyland Country Bear Jamboree ("There was blood on the sa-a-dle, and blo-od all around, . . .") What make a zombie robot? Deadline the programming. Install Windows Vista with a real-time Microsoft update and "Real Windows" verification program . . . that fails it's piracy check. You get some basal functions, just nothing useful. Partially resurrected.

But then I consider a clown, loaded to the gills with recreational chemistry, trying, ineptly, to do the "robot" dance.

In that case, the weapon of choice might be a mop and a broom to "Chase that clown outta here!"


But then, this could all have been a wild goose chase. This could have been a Tam code phrase.

"Zombie" of course, being someone without interest in firing a hand gun.

"Robot" being someone that follows someone's lead, without thought, scruple, or heed for consequences. Like Senator Reid.

"Clown", then would be the key to the phrase. My suspicion is that Clown, used here, would be a pejorative term as applied to a disrespected person that would put a .22 rimfire upper on a AR-15 frame. No, no, that doesn't work. A clown often entertains by making silly choices on purpose, by acting disrespectfully, by choosing to exemplify ignorance and stupidity. Again, pretty much like Senator Reid.

What I think happened, was that Tam had a nightmare that B. Hussein Obama, presently styled President of the US, was thwarted unexpectedly in his attempts to unionize and disarm America. And she was dubious about having to acknowledge the Reid/Pelosi/Clinton cabal that blocked Obama. And Tam wasn't sure whether to near-miss of ObamaNation was the nightmare, or having to feel grateful to the combination of the Zombie Robot Clowns.

I know it would make me shudder.

MrWolf. said...

You've been late-night cheese snacking again, haven't you?

Best wishes.

Cybrludite said...

My answer would be a Davy Crockett recoilless rifle. Of course, that's my answer nine times out of nine...

monkeyfan said...

40 kilowatts right on the nose.