Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tired: Starbucks. Wired: Krystal.

So Starbucks has announced that they are now offering free wi-fi to their patrons, with a level of fanfare somewhere between that which attended the discovery of fire and the launch of Apollo 11.

News flash, latte breath: You should have phrased the press release as "We're sorry! Please come back! We have free wi-fi now!" and that way you would have regained some of the customers you lost to frickin' McDonald's when they upgraded their coffee to complement their free wi-fi.

Heck, Krystal has had free wi-fi since back when you could still use the internets to worry about whether this mortgage crisis thing you were hearing noises about was going to maybe mess with your 401k.

13 comments:

Les Jones said...

I guess "Come for the expensive coffee, stay for the expensive wi-fi" wasn't working in this economy.

Breda said...

Dunkin' Donuts has free wifi, even! And bacon sammiches!

Sigivald said...

Yeah, but 95% of the country has never even heard of "Krystal".

Tam said...

Sigivald,

That's 95% of the country's problem, then, isn't it? :D

Dixie said...

That's 95% of the country's problem, then, isn't it?

Krystal the fast food chain with the tiny burgers, right? If so, then yes... nothing beats a bag of tinyburgers for roadtrip food.

Tam said...

Gotta eat 'em fast, though. Like their little chili cheese pups, the half-life of a cheese Krystal is measured in minutes.

Also, their Krystal Chik is a stroke of genius. It's the tastiest fast-food chicken sammich sold anyplace that doesn't use cows for advertising...

DirtCrashr said...

Krystal as in meth? Are they west of the Mississippi?

Justthisguy said...

Oh, God, I wish we had Krystals here, in the ass-end of FL. I want me some gut bombs. Fuckin midwestern damnyankee neurotypical golf trash who run this benighted artificial pretend-town!

D.W. Drang said...

Krystal was the barista who served me at Starbucks this morning...

Dixie said...

Are they west of the Mississippi?

Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas.

Like their little chili cheese pups, the half-life of a cheese Krystal is measured in minutes.

... which is an annoyance to the driver of said roadtrip vehicle. "Damn it, if I reach back there and there's no sliders in that bag, somebody is going into the trunk!"

og said...

If you're not familiar with Krystal, just think White Castle with a different (some say better) taste. Here are two places where they are precisely alike: Some White Castle locations also have wifi, and I can only eat them with cheese, unless I'm actually sitting on the can at the time. The cheese at least provides a certain amount of friction.

White castles have the same aroma in and out. Krystals have a distinctive aroma in, and smell exactly like white castles out.

The brain bleach is under the sink. You're welcome.

Oh, and F starbucks.

reflectoscope said...

I'd sit outside a starbucks for free wi-fi if I really needed it, but otherwise I'll go somewhere and get a cup of something I recognize as coffee.

Jim

Dixie said...

... get a cup of something I recognize as coffee

Heretic. There's no java like Sumatran Blend. Anything Extra Bold, really.