Thursday, December 23, 2010

In a perfect world...

This is not the best of all possible worlds, because in the best of all possible worlds, I could call in airstrikes and arty on stuff that annoys me.

"Redleg, Redleg, this is VFTP Six. Adjust fire. Target, bad driver in the open..."

I would only use my powers for Good. Such as calling in DPICM on those giant twenty-foot inflatable snowmen in people's yards.

28 comments:

wolfwalker said...

Airstrikes and arty? Kinda showy, don't you think? I'd try to make my vengeance more subtle. For example, a microwave jammer that temporarily fries the jerk's car computer, so that it won't run and there's no sign of why. Then after he's gotten it towed and spent a few hundred bucks on 'diagnostics' that can't find anything, his car suddenly starts working again on its own.

Joe in PNG said...

Nah, I want a massive orbital deathray. Forget boomboom, I want that sucker slagged into glass.

Plus, that way you have fewer holes in the road, and can even smooth things out a bit.

Jim said...

Orbital anvil bombardment. Higher, faster, flatter. Bonus points if they whistle on the way down as a warning to survivors.

Jim

Jim said...

Also, a woman who knows what DPICM is and who deserves it so badly? Pardon I while I swoon a little.

Jim

og said...

Only takes one match to eliminate inflatable anything. Happens so fast it looks like a magic trick. If you empty a butane cartridge into the fan inlet first, it's pretty,all Halloween orange and chimney red


Don't stand close.

John Peddie (Toronto) said...

Don't have my ballistics tables handy, but I'd wager that a FMJ knitting needle of,say, 200 gr. at 2350 fps, launched from an overhead drone would srsly deflate Frosty's ego and other vital parts.

The ultimate reactive target :-)

The Scrooge medal-a prized military gong-will be pinned on the successful mission cmdr., followed by a parade.

Jay G said...

Don't even get me started on other drivers in the snow. SRSLY.

Look, I'm driving a ridiculously overpowered pickup truck. In 2WD. With no weight in the bed. On tires that have 4 years and 45K on 'em.

*I* can make it up the snow-dusted hill just fine.

Your fancy AWD Subaru that couldn't have left the showroom later than last week can, too.

Without stopping, you jerk.

I don't want arty or JDAMs. I want old school, M79 grenade launcher. I want the special touch that only comes from doing it yourself...

Boat Guy said...

Phased plasma weapon. That way I don't have to drive through the debris and fragments (NOT "shrapnel").
Though it's hard to beat the good ol M79 for those moments when folks decide that you really want to hear the bass line in their "music". A 40mm HEPD is just the ticket when someone is blasting that "niggabitchho" stuff across the street.
Though as John Kerry knows (but won't admit) it IS possible you might get a tiny scratch from your own grenade.

Anonymous said...

You could probably pick up some old Silkworm missiles pretty cheap. Paint them Christmas colors and leave the launchers on the cottage front lawn.

Gerry

Bram said...

I saw a "technical" SUV with an AK blasting out the window try to do a drive-by on the First Marine Division'sbase camp in Saudi Arabia.

He sped away through the desert with a Dragon missile in hot pursuit. Turns out the Dragon was faster.

genedunn said...

VFTP Six? Wouldn't you be VFTP Actual?

Tam said...

I'd have the cat calling for fire.

genedunn said...

LOL... I thought maybe you had been running yourself through the photocopier again.

perlhaqr said...

Argh, no kidding. Old people on cell phones while driving are going to be what lands me in jail someday, I swear. Because what could possibly make more sense than crawling up the freeway onramp at 25 mph? Only stopping at the top of course!

Aaaaaaaaaargh.

Joanna said...

Foamy has all your automotive idiocy solutions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GjVy2pMZiY

Dwight Brown said...

I don't disagree with the sentiment, but I do question the wisdom of giving cats the ability to call in close air support.

perlhaqr said...

Dwight: What could possibly go wrong, other than a sudden massive reduction in the world's dog population?

Dwight Brown said...

perlhaqr: What happens if Tam is a little slow filling the bowl in the morning?

ExurbanKevin said...

When your close air support is done carpet-bombing the inflatable Santas in your neighborhood, send them my way. Inflatable Christmas decorations are loud and whiny when they're in use, and when they're not, they look like someone scattered a bunch of XXXXXXXXL used condoms in the front yard.

We need to update "A Charlie Brown Christmas" to mock inflatable Santas instead of aluminum Christmas trees.

Oh, and if the collateral damage takes out the musical reindeer statues, so much the better.

Jim said...

Dwight: I reckon one way or the other she'd only make that mistake once.

Jim

Chas S. Clifton said...

Death to inflatable snowmen!

Just make me 15 years old again and give me an air rifle ...

Laughingdog said...

What's wrong with inflatable snowmen? How else are you supposed to annoy the hell out of the neighborhood busybodies that try to use the HOA as a bludgeon.

I also like to leave some blind half-way up and others closed, just to try to give them an aneurysm.

Weer'd Beard said...

Was just hauling crap with a buddy at work today and I pointed out a decapitated house, and he was immediately distracted from the crumbling Tenement by the massive inflatable snowman. Guess they work. Of course he said they could have probably spent the money better rehabbing their shitbox house...

Will said...

Wolfwalker and boatguy:

I was told that a handheld type stungun applied to the (metal)body of a car will fry any onboard electronics that are in operation: stereo, ignition system, instrument panel, basically anything that contains transistors/chips.
Just need to figure out how to touch them remotely. Maybe an R/C drone?

keith said...

I can deal with the inflatable snowmen and Santas - I'd never have one but at least they are in keeping with the season. But I would be more than happy to incinerate every Xmas Spongebob and Scooby I've seen in the last few weeks.

I'm tempted to try and sew up an inflatable tarantula with a "Merry Christmas" banner to illustrate the absurdity of the practice but I'm afraid it would just start a
"Who can display the most inappropriate seasonal yard balloon?" arms race in my neighborhood.

Keith

Jay G said...

I would *SO* put up a 10' tall inflatable Christmas tarantula...

Cond0010 said...

Annoys you, Tam?

Yikes!!! I better duck and cover!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t039p6xqutU

Happy Festivus to you, Tam.

Ian Argent said...

Wait - with Roberta having a hamshack full of transcievers, you're going to let Huck be your RTO and designated spotter?

(Also, pardon my ignorance if I'm incorrect, but he'd be VFTP Six and she'd be VFTP Six Actual, I thought?)