Friday, December 24, 2010

Last minute things...

Had to run to the grocery store today for some last-minute stuff. Actually, grocery stores, since some things would need to come from a real supermarket while most of the food-type stuff could be had at the Fresh Market.

The driving conditions on the side streets had gotten interesting, what with all the snow having been packed down tight, then covered with a glaze of ice last night, and the intermittent sun putting a film of meltwater atop the ice. I brought the Bimmer to a halt at the end of the alley without triggering the ABS, a feat of which I was extraordinarily proud, only to have it start slipping forward down the gentle slope toward the street as soon as the tires had stopped turning.

The parking lot at the store was absolutely jam-packed and, worse luck, had just been strafed by a flying saucer using the area-effect "Morono-Ray", which cuts the IQ of its targets in half. Considering that your average person needs every neuron they can muster just to keep from stopping stock-still in the middle of the grocery store aisle and staring at their cell phone like a duck in thunder, let alone to navigate the family bus around the crowded lot, you can imagine the scene.

Inevitably, after nearly being run over by more than one driver who imagined that rear-view mirrors were for sissies or that it was perfectly okay to take your half of the road from the middle, I got my bare handful of stuff and stood in the express lane while waiting for somebody who was trying to buy a pack of gum, 27 sweet potatoes, and a two liter bottle of ginger ale with a counter check from the First Bank of Bangladesh and using a Blockbuster membership card as their sole piece of ID. When I rule the world, that will be a flogging offense in any retail establishment from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day.

How was your morning?


Cond0011 said...


Mine? Snowing over here in Minneapolis, too.

Expecting Glaciation to start occurring sometime after New Years Eve.

theirritablearchitect said...

"... Considering that your average person needs every neuron they can muster just to keep from stopping stock-still in the middle of the grocery store aisle and staring at their cell phone like a duck in thunder..."

You get stuck behind that same broad at the grocery that I do. She's just sure that the whole fucking enterprise is put there, just for her to park her cart right in the middle of the aisle, all catty-cornered even, when, as plain as day, she can see that there are other patrons coming right at her, but doesn't give one thought to the fact that they may, ya know, need to get around her and her cart.

I just get a head of steam up for ramming her shit out of the way, the while telling her, "Excuse you," in the most indignant tone I can muster.

Those people drive the exact same way.

The Big Three have done FAR too much safety engineering for my taste; Darwin has been cheated his share for several decades, methinks.

However, I've learnt to get to places like that, for the most part, when the numbers are in my favor, reducing the doltage factor to a minimum.

mikee said...

Here in Central Texas we had a light drizzle after more than a month drought - temps in mid 50s (brrrr - cold!).

My daughter took me to help feed her show pig and show lamb at the high school "farm" and while there we coraled an escaped goat - the owner forgot to latch the gate whilst carrying a honey bucket to the compost pile, and was suitably embarrassed her goat needed a-catchin'.

Then we went to Tio's Puffy Taco restaurant for a dozen brunch tacos for the family, and a dozen tamales for Christmas breakfast tomorrow. Yummmmmmmm today and Yummmmmm tomorrow!

Merry Christmas, and thanks for all the entertainment this past year. I appreciate the wit, the quality of the writing, and the mad leet driving skills.

Buffboy said...

My morning was good. I didn't have to go separate any vehicles/persons/critters that had run into each other at OMG thirty and that's always good. I'll join Mikee in thanking you for all the shooty/snarky goodness you have so freely given us this year. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

JimB said...

40 + degres here in Northern NJ... Have the day off.. Picked up tomorrows prime rib... All set for Christmas. Hope ouu have a merry one.. Jim B

Joe in PNG said...

I've only just begun my morning.

However, seems my plan for a Christmas kayak run up the coast is being put on hold due to the southern Pacific version of a white Christmas- it's raining.

Oh, well.

Standard Mischief said...

re: grocery shopping

All I really need is some graham crackers (cheesecake crust). I skipped the grocery when I could see from the outside that they were out of carts.

The line was around the corner at the dollar store.

I will hit the gas station mini-mart on my way home. I just checked here and I don't have anything vaguely cookie-like that would make an ersatz crust unless I decide to bake it myself.

Hat Trick said...

I'm sure that the checkout cashier would agree with you.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

About 1PM, I had the misfortune of having to drive at 86th and Ditch. The last-minute Christmas shoppers were on the road, and they were completely out of their minds.

All I was doing was going to the corner to get my wife a birthday card. Where all these people came from was a complete mystery. And how they ever got driver's licenses was, and remains, even more of a mystery.

Merry Christmas! After we visit friends on the South side tonight, I'm staying holed up at the manse until Monday at the earliest.

Julie said...

HOT !!!!!!!!!

I did the "last minute" thing yesterday and you'ld be "pleased" to note that the "morono-ray" struck here too! :( What is it with people?!?

Have a Great Christmas!!!

Montie said...

I really need add nothing to what you already said. I too found myself having to make a last minute trip to the grocery store and could simply cut and paste your description of events minus the driving portion of the ice capades (astoundingly we have had no snow or even much precip of any type, in Tulsa...yet).

Anonymous said...

I was out for some odds and ends, and I'm afraid the only reaction I have is... meh. It was in fact a bit of an improvement over the average around here, odd as that seems.


w/v: relotose. What you get from hearing boring stories from your relatives?

Home on the Range said...

Phone didn't ring, I didn't burn the oatmeal and Barkley was content to chase squirrels in his sleep. Then I made the mistake of going to Marsh to buy a tiny little ham piece that would serve 1or 2. Almost got run over by a trophy wife wielding a shopping cart. She had a Mimosa BAC of probably double the legal limit for Marsh and about caused a pileup in the soft cheese section.

Have a very merry Christmas. Hollar if you want to do lunch or something on Sunday. I have four wheel drive!

Bruce H. said...

I was out and back before sunrise. The misanthrope's favorite time to shop. It did require some window scraping that I could have avoided later in the day, but that was an acceptable tradeoff.

Old NFO said...

Daughter's computer blew up right after breakfast... Been dealing with DELL all damn day... Trade ya!

FTNuke said...

Well, we don't have the snow as an excuse here in Hawaii, but it still somehow took me an hour to go just one mile yesterday after some last minute Christmas shopping at ye olde gun shoppe. Went in for a pink knife for the wife (fail) and came out with a new aluminum trigger group and extended charging handle for the 10/22, plus a fifty-round drum mag for it, as well as 1000 rounds of 7.62x39 and 200 rounds of 9mm. Of course that meant I had to brave the traffic again today for a suitable stocking stuffer.

Mele Kalikimaka.

rickn8or said...

Only had to stop at the likker store on my way home from work to restock my Zombie Pockyclips wine stash, and the grocery store for a red rose and a lottery ticket. That was plenty; the I.Q. seemed to be dropping with the temperature.

"Merry Christmas, and thanks for all the entertainment this past year. I appreciate the wit, the quality of the writing, and the mad leet driving skills." Oh, yah. You dam betcha for suure.

doubletrouble said...

"...your morning?"

Since you asked- I got a call from the adjacent state's local constabulary advising that my brother had been taken to the hospital with severe head trauma.

But, yours was funnier...