Monday, January 17, 2011

Hey, baby, what's your sign?

So, as we all know, some people's zodiac signs were a little mixed up. For instance, all my life, I'd thought I was an Aquarius, which would explain why I...
"...love more than anything to be in the company of other people. One of the friendliest signs of the zodiac, they [Aquarii] are true "people" people."
As it turns out, the Babylonians thought the zodiac was prettier and more symmetrical without that oddball thirteenth constellation in the ecliptic and, since the astronomical knowledge of astrologers has been in a steady decline as we've regressed from Ptolemy to Jackie Stallone, it has taken 'til now to find out that I'm really a Capricorn. My true Capricorn nature would be the reason I am "grounded and practical" and am a "great organizer and planner".

Everybody who actually knows me is getting a good chuckle at this point, because neither horoscope said "You are a surly, disorganized loner with all the finely-honed fiscal acumen of a congressman after a three-martini lunch combined with the driving ambition of a tree sloth."

None of this actually bothers me because I understand that it's all a bunch of poppycock. Thanks to the magic of the inverse-square law, the heavenly bodies exerted less pull on me on the date of my nativity than the contents of the delivery room: When I was born, anesthesiologist was in the house of scrub nurse.

I had always assumed that everyone else bright enough to figure out which end of the spoon went in their mouths felt the same way, so you can imagine my chagrin when I read the following at CNN.com:
After news of the shifting zodiac signs went viral, some people may be rethinking their lucky lotto numbers or reassessing their spouse's compatibility.
"Lucky lotto numbers"? It figures that anybody who seriously believes this twaddle would pay the Stupid Tax. Look, if you are "reassessing" major facets of your life based on this earth-shattering news, will you please do it in the garage with the car running and the door closed? You'll think more clearly in there, I promise. If you won't do that, at least promise me that you won't breed and you'll stay out of voting booths.

30 comments:

og said...

What utter nonsense. This is gonna knock my Chi out of adjustment all day. Maybe a couple of hours of praying in tongues will fix me right up. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh sweet $DEITY, yes.

I've been amazed at the number of people I know, who I previously thought to be of at least average capability, that are actually secretly into this stuff.

I'm quite disturbed by it.

Anonymous said...

"When I was born, anesthesiologist was in the house of scrub nurse."

It seems your delivery was more interesting than that of my two daughters.

Chris

Ritchie said...

Those with poor math skills, little reasoning ability, and no grasp of history still feel the need for guidance. Ooh, look, Democrats!

Anonymous said...

I resemble that remark! The lottery isn't stupid, it's just a tax on people who suck at math.

BGMiller said...

I've had a few of people ask me if my sign changed.

My response? "Yeah, from Hot, Fresh, Now to COLD BEER."

And then they try to explain what they were really asking! Like I'M the moron.

BGM

Tam said...

"And then they try to explain what they were really asking! Like I'M the moron."

LOL! :D

Wolfwood said...

I feel as though there's some trick to astrology that I'm not getting, like not knowing if the Magic Box has a secret compartment or if it's just a hole in the bottom.

One astrology site was offering a free detailed personality analysis based on when and where you were born. On a lark I tried it, and it was about as correct as a Miers-Briggs test. I was concerned it might just be speaking in vague terms applicable to anyone, so I had a friend with an extremely different personality take it, and it got her perfectly as well (and in a way that would have been wrong for me).

Is there an easy trick to this I'm missing?

Also, for an absolutely astounding video of a man using astrology in a scientific way, check out The Star of Bethlehem by Frederick Larson.

ViolentIndifference said...

Apparently mine didn't change. I've been a Tamarian all along.

Owen said...

My dad's girlfriend when I was growing up was really seriously into this. She bought a computer and some very expensive software (while on welfare) so she could do it faster. Also she was worried she was making mistakes with her straight edge and protractor.

Anyhoo, i tried to explain to her the utter bullshit of it all, and of course she responded with, "well of course not, you're a virgo/virgo rising!"

Anonymous said...

Can we fix it so that buying lottery tickets removes makes you ineligible to vote?






Word Verification - katlizer, noun, fertilizer made from ground-up cats.

Joshkie said...

Tam - "You are a surly, disorganized loner with all the finely-honed fiscal acumen of a congressman after a three-martini lunch combined with the driving ambition of a tree sloth."

Ah, I see a fellow sign of the sloth.

:-)

w.v. ratiest ..... hmmmm

Stretch said...

SEE! You let them downgrade Pluto and the whole Universe just goes to Hell!

Chas S. Clifton said...

This controversy has been known to astrologers for .... oh, 2,000 years or so.

It's the difference between the "sidereal zodiac" (what you see in the sky) and the "tropical zodiac."

Centuries ago, Western astrology went 90 percent for the tropical zodiac.

Find the Sun's position at the spring equinox (Northern Hemisphere) and mark off 30-degree increments of its annual path. Bingo, there are your "sun signs."

The constellations don't really matter.

The ancients did know about the "precession of the equinox" due to the Earth's axis wobbling, and decided to ignore the visible constellations.

So this flap about "the zodiacal signs are changing" is something you could have heard in the 3rd century CE.

For what it's worth...

Chas S. Clifton said...

@Stretch: Nah, things have gone downhill since the Pole Star stopped being Thuban. Those were shining times.

Tam said...

Chas S. Clifton,

I did actually read up on all that back when this "news" broke, but decided it wasn't as funny as putting Ptolemy and Jackie Stallone in the same sentence. ;)

GuardDuck said...

When I was born, anesthesiologist was in the house of scrub nurse.

'Tis OK, when you were born that wasn't considered workplace sexual harassment.

Ambulance Driver said...

When I was born, anesthesiologist was in the house of scrub nurse.

I was going to say that, considering some anesthesiologists and scrub nurses I've known, that's very likely, but it seems several others beat me to it.

Brigid said...

Today is a good time for making new friends. A good deed may have unforeseen consequences. Don’t upset any druids. You will soon be going on a very strange journey. Your lucky food is small cucumbers. People pointing knives at you are probably up to no good. PS, we really mean it about the druids."
— Terry Pratchett

Steve Skubinna said...

Haven't checked to see if my sign has changed, because I can't be bothered to redevelop rationales for what I do, what I like, and what I say.

So far as I know, I'm still Awkwardius.

But I always knew there was a secret 13th sign. Because otherwise, where are all the assholes? You all know some, but they never show up in astrology. The worst flaws anyone ever gets are along the lines of "You're only fault is that you are too generous." Nobody ever gets a horoscope that says "The reason people hate you is because you're a dickhead, asshole."

Steve Skubinna said...

And I misused "you're." Damn astrology.

No, wait, it's obviously Sarah Palin's fault.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I just found out that I was born under the sign of cheap Brazilian revolvers instead of decent German Cutlery

DirtCrashr said...

Ancient Egyptians astrology had a 12-symbol division, and in Vedic astrology you were born under the sign of the Crocodile.
Anyhow it's all for naught since astral symbology and pseudoriffic-function depends not on the count of cavorting signs in the sky that whizz-by, but on divisions on the ground. While the sky does its twirly thing, the boots make marks on dirt - from burial middens to rocks that line-up just so and point to highs and lows, divided into shoulders and elbows - like minutes on a compass rose. Its the spaces between the Equinoxes and Solstices that get pie'd up - four, eight, twelve, that's why there's no thirteenth sign. Hell even back then they knew there's a bazillion signs in the sky they could have counted.
But how they got to twelve from four and eight hell if I know.

Epsilon Given said...

I'm one of those who's sign is that weird thirteenth sign. I'm rather amused by that: I like to think that I'm weird, and so I take perverse pleasure in that.

I can't remember what that sign was, though, and I'm not sure if I could be bothered enough to look it up. I think I'll continue to say my sign is "The Great Bear", or perhaps just "Stop" or "Yield" or even "Slow -- Deer Crossing Next 3 Miles" or something.

Steve Skubinna said..."But I always knew there was a secret 13th sign. Because otherwise, where are all the assholes? You all know some, but they never show up in astrology. The worst flaws anyone ever gets are along the lines of "You're only fault is that you are too generous." Nobody ever gets a horoscope that says "The reason people hate you is because you're a dickhead, asshole.""

Ouch. Surely I'm not that bad...am I?

My favorite horoscope was given by "Weird Al". Among the gems (I can't remember the wording precisely, so these are just "gists"): "Your co-workers are talking about you behind your back: kill them" and "If I were you, I wouldn't get out of bed today."

Michael said...

There is an idiot tax: The buying of Lottery tickets.

See all things flow into themselves. It is the cycle of human stupidity.

Joseph said...

I'm reminded of the book You We Born under a Rotten Sign and its Meyers--Briggs analog The Brutally-Honest Personality Test.

Dr. StrangeGun said...

If you find yourself rethinking your lucky lotto numbers, they weren't very lucky.

dsmith said...

Hmm. 13th constellation, Ophiuchus. I wonder if they were humans or cylons.

Sounds like a reason for another Battlestar Galatica movie.

Michael said...

Battlestar Galactica is it's own reason for a movie. No other needed.